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[ex_swaggerd]

Sorry to be spamming you guys with my ~issues. I'm just really conflicted right now and I need some guidance from those who have more (or any) experience with dating.

Comments

[cat_the_knife]

You sound a lot like I did when I was a dating n00b myself. I was always worried about hurting people's feelings. I overlooked major red flags that sincerely bothered me, telling myself I wouldn't want others to judge me based on the fact that I'm not perfect so I really had no right to judge others. I dated men I wasn't attracted to and really didn't like -- in some cases for months or years -- literally because I couldn't think of a good enough reason not to. (Apparently "I don't like him" wasn't a good enough reason for me back then.)

Yeah... learn from my mistakes and save yourself the trouble, because I guarantee it will keep you out of a lot of unsavory dating situations in the future. You don't owe this guy your time or anything else. It's clear you don't really dig him, but for some reason, you don't seem to feel that's a good enough reason not to go on the date when it's actually the best reason. It's not your job to worry about his feelings. The fact that you're not attracted to him does not make you a bad person. If he tries to act all dickish about your cancelling, ignore his ass. Like I said... you don't owe him a damn thing. Don't let him make you think that you do.

[ex_swaggerd]

Thanks. This gave me the ladyballs to tell him I wasn't interested. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I still feel bad but I know going along with something out of a feeling of obligation would have made me feel a whole lot worse.

[cat_the_knife]

You're welcome! Happy to help.

And I'm not surprised that you feel like a weight has been lifted. It really sounded like you were making yourself responsible for any possible feelings of inadequacy this person might have about himself, his feelings, his emotional well-being, and Lord only knows what else. Those things aren't your problem or anyone else's. People need to deal with possible self esteem issues along those lines on their own.

If it makes you feel any better, think of it this way. Going on a pity date with someone isn't really doing them any favors or doing the "right" thing... especially if it's allowed to progress into more dates or even a relationship (like some of my situations did) for the same reasons. That's robbing you both of the chance to connect with people you might really click with.

[ex_swaggerd]

Seriously, preach it. As much as I hate to admit it, I do care about what other people think and feel. I didn't want to seem all "hot one second and cold the next" but really, I just couldn't justify it any longer. Again, thanks for the insight! I greatly appreciate it.

[cat_the_knife]

Yeah, I hear that! It's a good thing to care about people's feelings and to not want to hurt others -- a very good thing. I'm the same way. However, you can't forget to care about your own feelings and needs at the same time. Making someone else feel good should feel good to you, too. If it doesn't, then perhaps it's not the right thing to do after all... or at least that's the benchmark I use.

[ex_swaggerd]

Well that's a very good benchmark I intend to adopt immediately as well. <3