What does love feel like?
Dear Captain Jack
What does love feel like?
I guess this is a stupid question.
- Megan
--------------
There are many different types of love and I'm an expert in all of them! Wow, sometimes I think I'm a fool for love.
What Time Agent isn't? We have romantic jobs. We roam around the universe being heroic in period costume. Capes. Cravats. Spacesuits. Leather hoods. Rollerskates...
When we had a case in the 16th century, I wore a ruff. You can't avoid being poetic when you are wearing a ruff. Poetry just pours out of you! I was rhyming shit like nobody's business.
Do you know how many princesses I've rescued from towers? Probably four or five. If you count skyscrapers as "towers" and businessmen as "princesses", the number is more like eight or nine.
Of course, I grew up loving my Moms and Mums and Dad. That kind of love is like comfort food. If I were to pick a snack to describe that love that it would be Reconstituted Selenium Flakes.
"Flakes" is a brand that Earth won't have for ages, but trust me, every little boy loves to get flake paste in his lunch pod! Smoothing out the flakes with the little plastic paddle... Adding drops of salt water to get the right texture...Punching other kids who try to snatch your flakes... That's childhood in a paragraph, really.
Most special of all to Little Jack (the person, not the cock) was my younger brother Grey. I'm all sad face sitting here typing out my feelings. I love Grey a lot even though he is technically a psychopath and a murderer. It's not his fault. He was accidentally raised that way!
The best way to describe brotherly love is that when you feel it you want to chloroform your bro in the face instead of shoot your bro in the face. Then you want to freeze the whole problem and not think about it for decades. Maybe centuries, if your refrigeration unit is Torchwood-quality.
When I joined the Space Corps and went to war (the first time), I loved a lot of people. I don't think I want to list them all as it makes Ianto twitchy. It also makes Gwen's eyes widen. They don't need to be any bigger than they already are.
I'll skip to John Hart. What's it like to be in love with John Hart? I have to dredge up the memories because I'm so out of love with his broke-down ass. Which incidentally, left a trail of margarine on the Rift monitor this morning. I could see the division between crack and cheek. Disgusting.
Most of the words I would use to describe my relationship with Hart don't translate well into English. Fortunately, that's what images are for...
It was exactly what it looked like.
It's only a hop, skip and a warp over people I can't remember before I hit Rose and the Doctor!
That was a magical time. The feeling I got from loving the Doctor was like the feeling a hobo gets when he squishes his dirty, unloved face against a window and peers in at a happy family sitting by the fire.
So, a Christmas-y kind of feeling, really!
When I was abandoned on Earth, I was entirely without resources. I could only rely on my immortality and my good looks until Torchwood scooped me up.
Working with Alice and the gang opened up a new realm of possibilities in interacting with people. I found out there was more to a relationship than 'con-man and victim'. There was now 'rescuer and victim'!
Did you know I got married in 1912? Denise was awesome! Being in love with your wife is a lot like being in love with your girlfriend, except you have to pose for more daguerreotypes.
She used to tell me: "Just one more, Jack. Look stiffer, it's 1912 not 1908."
Unfortunately, love has bad moments. When your wife is trampled by a run-away fire engine (they were pulled by horses back then) it is so fucking depressing. I could barely love again! I wandered the streets for a week, distraught, having sex with nothing (practically).
Fortunately, wars are a fabulous distraction for the love-lorn. Is there anything cosier than resting your head on your best lieutenant's shoulder as the mortar shells rain down? A war is also a good excuse if you fall in love again "too soon" and need to skedaddle out of a situation. SORRY ESTELLE.
Same excuse applies when smooching a stranger on the floor of a WWII dance hall. I fall hard and fast, it's just my thing. I can't help it! SORRY REAL CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS.
It wasn't until Alex put me in charge of Torchwood that I really discovered what it's like to love a hot sexy team of your very own. What kind of love is the love you have for your employees?
Sexual, definitely, but only on the surface. It's almost paternal. Not super-paternal like the love I have for the baby I carried for those lesbians. I guess I should just mark the feeling down as "Boss-type Affection".
Hey, Torchwood team-love can be summed up in an image too:
Care Bear stare!
Suzie, Owen, Toshiko --- Two/thirds of them were great kids. If they weren't dead I'd want to interview them for this piece in my column. I'd ask them to explain: "What does it feel like to love Captain Jack Harkness so much?"
That's a question I'd throw out to Dr. Martha Jones too. When you bond with a friend through shared trauma that's another kind of love. I call it "situational"!
It's super that we're both awesome people or else the morning after the year of trauma could be pretty awkward...My Martha doesn't know the meaning of the word awkward. Have you met her boyfriend?
Skip back to Gwen Cooper. I could tell she was special right away. If she was a vampire, she'd sparkle in the sunlight. There'd be sparkles all over the place!
Loving Gwen is a lot like loving myself. We both have amazing hair. We both want our way all the fucking time. It must be a joy for Ianto to work with Type-A personalities like ours.
Speaking of Ianto Jones, I had to leave him to last. When Ianto first joined us I didn't notice him unless he was feeding or fucking me. I sure noticed him when his cyberwoman tried to take over the world, though. That was hard to miss!
After I fixed his traumas with my cock it turns out he has this minxy little personality all his own. Then I started noticing when he wasn't around. That's when you know you're really gone for someone, Megan. When you get pissed off because your significant other isn't there.
It was late one night when I had this revelation. Am I in love (again)? It woke me from my sexy slumber.
I shot straight-up in bed, dislodging the tray of cheese and crackers on my lap.
"Ianto, I love you!" I hollered in his direction. "Hey, are you awake?"
"Please don't holler," said Ianto. His voice was muffled by his blanket burrito.
As I sank back into the pillows, chewing on a cracker thoughtfully, I knew I had to trap that boy in a lasting marriage...And here we are: Mission Accomplished!
Did this help, Megan? I must say, I highly recommend love.
If I had to rate love overall I'd give it ****1/2 to ***** stars!
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
PS: PC Andy Davidson, before you fucking start...Of course I love you too. In a vague, "Do I know that guy?" kind of way.
I just don't want to lead you on. It will break T's heart if you think you've got a shot with me.
(You don't have a shot with me.)
What does love feel like?
I guess this is a stupid question.
- Megan
--------------
There are many different types of love and I'm an expert in all of them! Wow, sometimes I think I'm a fool for love.
What Time Agent isn't? We have romantic jobs. We roam around the universe being heroic in period costume. Capes. Cravats. Spacesuits. Leather hoods. Rollerskates...
When we had a case in the 16th century, I wore a ruff. You can't avoid being poetic when you are wearing a ruff. Poetry just pours out of you! I was rhyming shit like nobody's business.
Do you know how many princesses I've rescued from towers? Probably four or five. If you count skyscrapers as "towers" and businessmen as "princesses", the number is more like eight or nine.
Of course, I grew up loving my Moms and Mums and Dad. That kind of love is like comfort food. If I were to pick a snack to describe that love that it would be Reconstituted Selenium Flakes.
"Flakes" is a brand that Earth won't have for ages, but trust me, every little boy loves to get flake paste in his lunch pod! Smoothing out the flakes with the little plastic paddle... Adding drops of salt water to get the right texture...Punching other kids who try to snatch your flakes... That's childhood in a paragraph, really.
Most special of all to Little Jack (the person, not the cock) was my younger brother Grey. I'm all sad face sitting here typing out my feelings. I love Grey a lot even though he is technically a psychopath and a murderer. It's not his fault. He was accidentally raised that way!
The best way to describe brotherly love is that when you feel it you want to chloroform your bro in the face instead of shoot your bro in the face. Then you want to freeze the whole problem and not think about it for decades. Maybe centuries, if your refrigeration unit is Torchwood-quality.
When I joined the Space Corps and went to war (the first time), I loved a lot of people. I don't think I want to list them all as it makes Ianto twitchy. It also makes Gwen's eyes widen. They don't need to be any bigger than they already are.
I'll skip to John Hart. What's it like to be in love with John Hart? I have to dredge up the memories because I'm so out of love with his broke-down ass. Which incidentally, left a trail of margarine on the Rift monitor this morning. I could see the division between crack and cheek. Disgusting.
Most of the words I would use to describe my relationship with Hart don't translate well into English. Fortunately, that's what images are for...
It was exactly what it looked like.
It's only a hop, skip and a warp over people I can't remember before I hit Rose and the Doctor!
That was a magical time. The feeling I got from loving the Doctor was like the feeling a hobo gets when he squishes his dirty, unloved face against a window and peers in at a happy family sitting by the fire.
So, a Christmas-y kind of feeling, really!
When I was abandoned on Earth, I was entirely without resources. I could only rely on my immortality and my good looks until Torchwood scooped me up.
Working with Alice and the gang opened up a new realm of possibilities in interacting with people. I found out there was more to a relationship than 'con-man and victim'. There was now 'rescuer and victim'!
Did you know I got married in 1912? Denise was awesome! Being in love with your wife is a lot like being in love with your girlfriend, except you have to pose for more daguerreotypes.
She used to tell me: "Just one more, Jack. Look stiffer, it's 1912 not 1908."
Unfortunately, love has bad moments. When your wife is trampled by a run-away fire engine (they were pulled by horses back then) it is so fucking depressing. I could barely love again! I wandered the streets for a week, distraught, having sex with nothing (practically).
Fortunately, wars are a fabulous distraction for the love-lorn. Is there anything cosier than resting your head on your best lieutenant's shoulder as the mortar shells rain down? A war is also a good excuse if you fall in love again "too soon" and need to skedaddle out of a situation. SORRY ESTELLE.
Same excuse applies when smooching a stranger on the floor of a WWII dance hall. I fall hard and fast, it's just my thing. I can't help it! SORRY REAL CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS.
It wasn't until Alex put me in charge of Torchwood that I really discovered what it's like to love a hot sexy team of your very own. What kind of love is the love you have for your employees?
Sexual, definitely, but only on the surface. It's almost paternal. Not super-paternal like the love I have for the baby I carried for those lesbians. I guess I should just mark the feeling down as "Boss-type Affection".
Hey, Torchwood team-love can be summed up in an image too:
Care Bear stare!
Suzie, Owen, Toshiko --- Two/thirds of them were great kids. If they weren't dead I'd want to interview them for this piece in my column. I'd ask them to explain: "What does it feel like to love Captain Jack Harkness so much?"
That's a question I'd throw out to Dr. Martha Jones too. When you bond with a friend through shared trauma that's another kind of love. I call it "situational"!
It's super that we're both awesome people or else the morning after the year of trauma could be pretty awkward...My Martha doesn't know the meaning of the word awkward. Have you met her boyfriend?
Skip back to Gwen Cooper. I could tell she was special right away. If she was a vampire, she'd sparkle in the sunlight. There'd be sparkles all over the place!
Loving Gwen is a lot like loving myself. We both have amazing hair. We both want our way all the fucking time. It must be a joy for Ianto to work with Type-A personalities like ours.
Speaking of Ianto Jones, I had to leave him to last. When Ianto first joined us I didn't notice him unless he was feeding or fucking me. I sure noticed him when his cyberwoman tried to take over the world, though. That was hard to miss!
After I fixed his traumas with my cock it turns out he has this minxy little personality all his own. Then I started noticing when he wasn't around. That's when you know you're really gone for someone, Megan. When you get pissed off because your significant other isn't there.
It was late one night when I had this revelation. Am I in love (again)? It woke me from my sexy slumber.
I shot straight-up in bed, dislodging the tray of cheese and crackers on my lap.
"Ianto, I love you!" I hollered in his direction. "Hey, are you awake?"
"Please don't holler," said Ianto. His voice was muffled by his blanket burrito.
As I sank back into the pillows, chewing on a cracker thoughtfully, I knew I had to trap that boy in a lasting marriage...And here we are: Mission Accomplished!
Did this help, Megan? I must say, I highly recommend love.
If I had to rate love overall I'd give it ****1/2 to ***** stars!
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
PS: PC Andy Davidson, before you fucking start...Of course I love you too. In a vague, "Do I know that guy?" kind of way.
I just don't want to lead you on. It will break T's heart if you think you've got a shot with me.
(You don't have a shot with me.)