General Support Log, Week 11
General Support Log
v. 1, week 11
Hart, who did you bribe/threaten/fuck to get your hArt Project on the wall at the Louvre?
Monitoring:
Captain Jack Harkness (ask_captainjack)
Senior Agent PC Gwen Cooper and Executive Husband Rhys Williams (gwen_e_cooper, therant_willask)
Junior Senior Ianto Jones (ask_aboutcoffee)
Senior Junior Agent Doctor Martha Jones (ask_arealdoctor)
Junior Junior Agent Captain John Hart (oh_doask)
Costume Players T and Andy (timeagency and dontask_pcandy)
HRH Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor and Butler Harold Putnam (inquireof_liz)
Time Lords The Doctor (askfor_bananas) and Jenny (askmydad)
Myfanwy the Dinosaur, Max the Beagle, and Tomb Raider the cat.
Alien Activity: Nobody puts Bebe in a corner! The stable rift in Martha's desk drawer to a fruitstand somewhere seems to be holding. T taught us about Planet Sock Monkey, where our socknology looks godlike to them.
The Doctor had an adventure involving a mind-control snake, but when he tried to tell us about it he kept getting spoilers. Later on in the week the Shadow Proclamation sent some Judoon after him. Gwen helped him save Wales with mobiles!
ZOMBIE ATTACK: And then there were zombies. We leapt into action! Even the civs joined in, though Tomb Raider was useless. Jack warned us to be cautious, especially against the undead ducks. He was not happy with how disobedient the zombies were. Gwen just wanted to make sure none of us had to behead an undead Tosh. Then Donna got hold of me and we had to use the flamethrower, which is why I now have hair by Harkness (Martha's hair was also of concern, but I told her to expense her salon fees). Thinking positive, my damaged clothes mean a possible Savile Row shopping trip!
Having survived the zombie assault, it was communal shower time, complete with anti-decomp-smell lemons from Martha's fruit drawer. Jack says the photo of the shower is one for the treasure box, but Rhys might not be happy about it. Poor T was not invited to the shower despite pitching in during the attack.
Staff: A reminder to all staff: oversharing is mandatory. Unless you're Hart and Martha, in which case, you really really don't have to. Not that you're bad in bed, Martha! It's just... details. :( Especially on twitter! Besides, Hart had to work out some issues this week. With Jack. Twice. And Gwen. And me ( twice, until Gwen broke us up). And Max. He did get commendably busy on Ebay, even if he can't spell and he worries and hits on the civilians. Sometimes...I do think sometimes he's really falling for Martha.
Gwen has some trouble multitasking but is still keeping us human! Martha told us about her athletic youth and cleaned out old stock after I explained that Owen had hoarding issues. This could be why she has a cold and is receiving lovely fairy cakes, sympathy, and duvets. It's okay to blame me, though!
When he runs, Jack's hands are like BLADES! Even when chasing geese (and swans).
Allied Organisations: Andy found some new-old clothes in the TARDIS, and made the brave choice to wear fashionable vegetables. He and I are planning a film night but the civs seem to be getting ahead of us! Jack has his eye on T especially after she rickrolled him. We reminisced about Rhys's muffins (and photography) and discussed with T whether monkeys are evil.
Security: HRH is concerned about Misha Collins being captured by Queen Impersonators. Is this something we should look into? I showed off new snaps of us, and Jack declared he liked Gwen's buckles. His hair puzzled him, though, and Andy teased him about it, so he wrote a fanfiction!! Jack also reminded us of Panic Button procedure.
IANTO ON ICE: I had a little... time travel incident, and after sheltering with some lesbian flappers ended up in cryogenics. Jack freaked the fuck out but the team immediately unfroze me (with unnecessary tongues, very necessary coffee beans, utterly gratuitous flamethrowers; at least they didn't use the hairdryer). Martha freaked out too, but she brought me coffee. Why is everyone overlooking that she brought me coffee? T thinks all this timey-wimey explains a few things, perhaps even Jack's strange "dream" about meeting me at the Electro in 1920. Met Gwen's gran, she was lovely. Harold Putnam was well-prepared for my return, and I even got a Get Well card from a civ!
During my recovery, Jack hacked my journal. He printed out my email (all of my email) and spoiled Gwen, but also traumatised her. Gwen pointed out just how to tell Jack's "going ballistic" face from his "freaking the fuck out" face. Jack has more important shit to do than be observant, anyway.
Supplies/Technology: I had some issues with mainframe this week, which Jack didn't help along any. Gwen's desk holding up well under stress testing. I guess it's probably time to take Hart off the instant and start serving him real coffee as well. He did buy us a meteorite.
Community Outreach: Hart got annoyed that nobody made him a fanfiction cover, but I feel Jack's reaction to his annoyance was only proportional. To shut him up one of our civilians made him a cover, which he, uh, "hart"ed. Jack power-beta'd Gwen's fanfiction. One of our civs made me (ME!) a postcard that accurately depicts the Brecon Beacons.
We taught civs how to redirect Jack. Martha found out what Rainbow Parties are. I'm so sorry, Martha.
Jack offered firearms instruction to all comers, and taught using cleavage, cricket bats, Gwen's tears, hands, imaginary fairies, posture, roofs, SHOUTING, technical terms, and trebuchets. I didn't need any help, but we all know how much I enjoy target practice. I love the smell of gunpowder in the morning (also baked bread)!
Jack also advised a Californian on spirit animals. His is the mighty tiger, not the pathetic cat! I am a dolphin. Apparently there is fanfiction about this? Gwen is a Tarsier, AND I LOLED. Martha is a medically trained Timber Wolf! Andy, sheep though you may be, possibly it's not good to get into sheep-shagging territory, as a Welshman? Some of our civilians tried to correct him, because they are witches. Witches who need sexual handbooks! He told a great many of our civs what their power animals were, but I'm not going to link them because I am only one man.
Spoilers and Historical Notes: Andy had a dream about getting run over and breaking an arm. Prophetic perhaps? Gwen interpreted it. We learned a lot about Torchwood's history and even about the time Jack biplane'd a barn HARD. T also told a story about blowing up a robot in Paris, complete with Hart getting abandoned and Jack's issues with foreign food. He is wrong about French-Welsh fusion! He probably deserved the stick raids from Moe, even if he was BEIGE BOOT.
Personal Notes: Just a note: STILL NOT PREGNANT, still a mythological fucking hero! Also: not made for muppethood, though smug is a good look for both me and Jack. Our bed is brilliant. Even if I have to beat Hart away from it with Ikea furniture.
Why can't I help the tasteless jokes I make? Or the puns about lifts? I think the bear puns were the worst, though.
Thank you, by the way, to those anonymous donors who sent me the handcuffs and the whip as bedwarming presents. Quality kit!