gone to never return.

[asisittyping]

so it has been like a billion years since i have used this; but no matter it hasn't changed.

so i feel rather vacant lately. i want so much to feel my joy that i have abandoned with hopes in the falsity of this world. now i wake up each morning trying to figure out how to slake my lust that will never be satisfied even though the sensation is not at all what it once was. my relationships are suffering and i see it and mourn them but i don't exercise my ability to rekindle. i stew in my betrayal and turn it on them with it being about me all along. i have seen so many people do this and i try to lend a hand then it eventually brought me down. i am no longer on the outside. i am tracing the trail of crumbs i left of bread that does not satisfy. lord jesus help me over this great divide.

i have adopted a great cynicism towards the coorperate church. i have seen it eat my friends and their passion and was blinded in my fury and now i try to fight it with harsh instead of positive forward motion i am not loving her as the bride that she is. and i feel that the same harshness will be displayed on me.
i am bored with life. i sometimes wonder what it would be like to die but i think that to live would be a greater mystery to me as of late.