[SJ Fic] Holy Freaking Matrimony
Holy Freaking Matrimony: Siwon/Donghae, Kyuhyun/Sungmin, Tiffany/Siwon (4488 Words)
When Donghae found out Siwon was going to elope with the minister's daughter, his first instinct was to wallow in self pity. His second instinct was to get her fat.
They used to joke about who would be the first one to get married in their little posse back in high school. Well, more like they used to joke about who’d get forced into a shotgun wedding back in high school, but according to Heechul ‘is there any other reason for marriage that isn’t money or pregnancy?’. That was when Hyukjae would attempt to be deep and go ‘love’ which would just get him laughed at and condemned for girlifying the moment.
There was also the time they placed a vote on who seemed to be the straightest out of them all. It was a tie between Siwon and Sungmin, but due to Kyuhyun’s persistent protests that the ballot box was clearly rigged, the result was nullified. And Kyuhyun disregarded all arguments that ‘your claim has no backing behind it!’ -- but no one wanted to pursue the cause further, because no one was sure they could pass midterms without Kyuhyun. So it was decided that everyone was asexual and that was that.
So it wasn’t that none of them had given any thought into marriage, or that they were blind to the prospect of it. And as Donghae finished pumping petrol into Heechul’s black Rolls Royce, he reasoned that if it was any other case he’d probably be completely supportive. It’s just that, it was so soon, and unprepared, and Sungmin kept on poking his back and-
“WHO THE HECK GETS MARRIED AT 19!”
A hand slapped the back of his head and Donghae turned to give a dirty glare to Sungmin, who pointed to the front window of the car where Heechul was mouthing something along the lines of ‘hurry it up, douche’.
- - -
Ideally, these wouldn’t be his chosen companions for carpooling, but there’s only so many of them who’ve been trusted with a car, and when your friend decides he’s going to elope with the minister’s daughter tomorrow, everything else kind of loses priority. Though Donghae would much rather be in the silver Mercedes up ahead with Hyukjae, Siwon and the rest, he comforted himself with the fact that it was Kibum driving now, rather than Heechul who somehow thought that just because they were on a deserted highway it was okay for him to try doing a wheelie because he was bored. Also, at least he didn’t have to ride in the bridal car like poor, pitiful Jongwoon.
Sungmin’s head was resting on Shindong’s shoulder and his feet were pressed up against Donghae’s thighs -- which was very inconvenient because Sungmin was a kicker. And every once in a while he’d blurt out something along the lines of ‘asdfghjkl’ which was preceded with a forceful kick.
“Are we there yet?” drawled Donghae. At that moment Sungmin let out a muffled ‘ajibajajaja!’ and his foot collided with Donghae’s forehead. “Is it even legal for him to sleep like this in a car?!” he complained, rubbing his sore forehead. “I mean, what if we crash, he could be thrown right out the window!” If only.
“Who’s going to fine us? The dirt? The tufts of grass? Tumbleweed?” Heechul snorted and went back to chanting ‘faster! faster! faster!’, in Kibum’s ear. Sungmin was now very restless and his foot was rubbing against Donghae’s cheek.
“Hey guys. Kyuhyun says we might have to pull over at the next gas station. They’re short of supplies” said Shindong, sifting through his text messages.
“What supplies?” Sungmin said tiredly.
“Welcome back to the conscious world” greeted Kibum.
Sungmin blinked in fake confusion before sending a smirk in Donghae’s direction. “What world? I was awake this whole time”
Heechul was right, Donghae thought, who was there to fine him? He took his seatbelt off and pounced.
- - -
“Tiffany! You’re going to elope with Tiffany” Kibum gaped incredulously at him.
Donghae, who chose that time to take a sip of his cola, began choking and coughing violently. Sungmin decided to help by slapping his back, a bit too enthusiastically at that.
“That’s crazy! Why would you want to elope with her? Your parents love her, her parents love you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they secretly got both of you hitched when you were five” offered Heechul.
They were sitting on Heechul’s front porch, enjoying the morning sun and thinking up which would be the cruelest way to wake Hyukjae up. That was before Siwon decided to kill the moment by saying he wanted to be a rebel without a cause and get married at 19.
“Um, I think I need to go/” Donghae stood up quickly, accidentally knocking Hyukjae’s head against the white fencing of the porch.
“Concussion to the head. Why didn’t we think of that?” laughed Heechul.
- - -
Donghae picked up a block of particularly rich chocolate. “You know. Maybe if I get her fat...”
“Sungmin tried to do that to Changmin in eleventh grade,” replied Kyuhyun, laying down the items on the checkout counter.
“And?”
“Nothing" Kyuhyun stated matter of factly.
“He got diabetes!” corrected Sungmin.
“No he didn’t. You convinced yourself that. And if he does have it, it’s not because of you.” Kyuhyun countered. Sungmin pouted and walked over to Donghae’s side.
“Well, then go marry him in all his undiabetetic glory!” He humphed and crossed his arms over his chest. “But when his toes fall off don’t try crawling back to me.”
Kyuhyun sighed, irritated. “Whatever makes you happy- you know, if the idea of giving one of your old high school classmates diabetes makes you happy.”
“It makes me ecstatic”
Donghae played with the packaging of the chocolate in the silence that followed, finding the tangent they had gone on a tad bit uncomfortable. “So like. Should I make her fat or not?”
- - -
He was flattered when Siwon chose him as his best man. Even if technically he was only a rebound best man, since Heechul had abused his best man privileges ten minutes in by trying to hold a bachelor party at a strip club.
“And as best man,” Siwon had explained “it is up to you to invite people to this wedding slash roadtrip on my behalf so that I can avoid awkward questions.”
Donghae fiddled with the strings on his hoodie as he entered the music store. Sungmin was on his heels muttering something about how he was sixty per cent sure Tiffany was knocked up.
“Why are you following me?” asked Donghae, exasperated.
Sungmin blinked innocently, “I’m not following you! I’m-” he ran ahead of Donghae and hugged the young man at the counter of the music store. “Here to visit my dear Ryeowook.” Sungmin cooed. Ryeowook looked like this had happened way too many times. Jongwoon emerged from the supply closet at the back of the store and yanked Sungmin away by the collar.
Donghae clapped to get their attention. “Boys! I have important news. Don’t ask questions. Siwon and Tiffany are getting eloped tomorrow, and as close friends of his, he cordially invites you, through me, to attend his roadtrip slash wedding thing. Are you in or are you out?”
Ryeowook and Jongwoon gave Donghae an almost patronising look. “Do you really expect us to not ask questions?” asked Jongwoon.
Donghae sighed. “No” he mumbled, feeling almost defeated.
“Siwon is straight” Ryeowook gasped.
Sungmin laughed. “I know right!”
- - -
They were standing in the bitter cold outside an old shabby motel, waiting for Heechul to persuade the clerk that the ‘no vacancy’ sign outside was an obvious mistake. With the assistance of a wad of cash.
“How many of you are there?” asked the clerk whilst puffing on a cigar.
“Ten. Plus the ladies which are five-”
“Enough, please” begged Jongwoon.
“So fifteen altogether” finished Heechul.
The clerk raised his dirty eyebrow, and gave a diseased sounding chuckle. “Two to one. That’s brave of you. And kinky”
“We aren’t hookers!” exclaimed Jessica. “We are respectable men and women who need a place to stay for the night! Now sir, can you make room for us or not!”
The clerk narrowed his eyes at Jessica who returned the favour with a snarl. “Looky here. The sign says ‘No Vacancy’, or don’t they teach you to read at that whore house” he threw the used cigar at the foot of Jessica’s heels before storming back of into the dilapidated motel.
“Why that!”, Taeyeon exclaimed. Siwon held her back, muttering something about being the bigger person.
Tiffany groaned. “Maybe god just doesn’t approve of eloping”
Donghae fought the urge to agree.
- - -
The girls minus Jongwoon had retreated back to Taeyeon’s car, discussing something in hushed voices. Donghae watched them with bitterness, he bet none of them had to sleep with Sungmin’s feet in their face. Then again, they had to share a car with Jongwoon, and Donghae wasn’t sure whether he had enough self control to not touch their philtrims whilst they were sleeping. They obviously didn’t think so, which was why Jongwoon was banished to spend the night with Ryeowook in the Mercedes. Not that either party was complaining.
“I’m sure I saw a movie like this once.” muttered Sungmin.
“What?” snapped Donghae.
“The best man who’s secretly in love with the groom. And must save him from committing the biggest mistake of his life.”
Donghae snorted and looked back towards the girls’ car, where he could distinguish four feminine sillhoutes gossiping in the dark. “I wonder what they’re talking about.” he murmured.
Sungmin readjusted himself so that he was sitting up. “Why don’t you join them? Get some gossip. Like maybe Tiffany is really in love with me and this whole things a sham to get me jealous.”
Donghae scoffed. “Or maybe, we need some sleep.”
- - -Donghae opened the front door of Taeyeon’s Camry. “Hello there, ladies”
“Out”, ordered Jessica.
- - -
It turns out God was on their side at least a tiny bit because when Kyuhyun left the car for a leak, he ran into an old friend Zhoumi, at the back of an old bar. Zhoumi not only directed Kyuhyun to a place to relieve himself but also insisted that Siwon needed a bachelor party.
“No really, I’m fine!” insisted Siwon.
Zhoumi gave Siwon a once over and concluded. “No. You need a bachelor party.”
And so they were at a local karaoke club, and Heechul was complaining of the injustice of it all.
“Is this what I have to do to get a say? Transfer to China, lose contact for a few years and then suddenly make an unannounced appearance!”
Siwon beckoned Heechul to look around the club. “Heechul. What do you see?”
“No strippers”
“Exactly”
Hangeng patted Heechul’s back in comfort, while Heechul continued arguing his point. “Siwon, I have a whole harem to give me a lap dance. The strippers were for you, the least you could do is appreciate my thoughtfulness.”
Donghae buried his face in his hand. “I think I need a shot.”
Siwon looked at him concerned “What’s wrong?”
“He got shot down by Jessica”, piped up Hyukjae. Well, it sounded better than ‘his plan to somehow stop your wedding was crushed before it could even begin’.
Siwon raised an eyebrow and passed Donghae a glass of white liquid. “No alcohol, but Milk helps build strong bones.”
“And strong bones are a real turn on”, added Heechul sarcastically.
- - -
“Elope? Wow. That was unexpected”, said Kyuhyun, typing absent mindedly at his laptop. “Anyway. Yeah, I’ll go.”
Donghae sat up from where he was staring at the ceiling on Kyuhyun’s bed. “What? Just like that?”, he was hoping from some protest, some rationality, some reason.
“Yeah. My parents are planning to send me to my sister’s place for the weekend. This can be my irrational way of saying ‘No! I’d rather run away from home’”
Donghae kicked the back of Kyuhyun’s chair as to have the younger boy’s undivided attention. “Your sister lives two blocks away!”
Kyuhyun shook his head at Donghae’s naivety. “But she has no wi-fi. She might as well be living with the Sherpas in Nepal”
“Kyuhyun, you can’t just run away from your problems!”, Donghae thought it was time to bring in the ‘stop wasting your life away’ lecture that he had heard so many times from his mother.
“If I were you, I’d spend less time reprimanding me and more time watching My Best Friend’s Wedding and figuring out where Julia Roberts went wrong”
“I’m not going to take romantic advice from someone who’s dating Sungmin!”, exclaimed Donghae, outraged at Kyuhyun’s nerve to make such a ridiculously true comment.
“We aren’t dating. We’re just banging around the bush”, replied Kyuhyun casually.
“The idioms ‘beating around the bush’”, shot back Donghae, wasting no time in the opportunity to outsmart Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun nodded. “I know. But I meant banging”
Donghae took that as his cue to leave.
- - -Even he had to admit the bachelor party was kind of sissy. But it did wear him out, singing six ABBA songs in a row can do that to you. And when he woke up, he was sporting a milk moustache and lying haphazardly across one of the karaoke bar’s tables.
“I can not believe this knocked us out!”, exclaimed Shindong. “When did we become so wussy!”
Because he was now kind of obliged, and because he really believed Zhoumi earnt it, Siwon invited him to join them on their journey to Siwon’s marital bliss. “Old friends really don’t fade”, sniffed Siwon, wrapping Zhoumi in a bear crushing hug. Heechul looked like the sugary scene gave him a cavity.
When they returned to where they had parked their cars, they were ushered inside any random vehicle by Taeyeon and Sunny. “No time. We need to leave!”
And so Donghae found himself sitting on Hyukjae’s lap, in between Zhoumi and (‘internal squeal’ he thought) Siwon. Sunny was driving the Mercedes maniacally while Heechul was screeching ‘HE’S GETTING CLOSER!’. He found he rather liked this arrangement. Not that Hyukjae’s lap was any substitute for soft leather, but it was a minor improvement from Sungmin’s feet. That was until the crazy motel clerk, who apparently had his business TP-ed, knocked into the side of their car with his large truck and Donghae was pushed against Siwon. That was when he decided he really liked this arrangement.
- - -
In the end they managed to lose the psycho motel owner by taking a few unexpected exits. As a result though, they were in the middle of nowhere.
Heechul placed a hand on Sunny’s shoulders “You do not know how proud I am of you. But really, next time, think of the bigger picture. Does it really matter if a shady motel clerk thinks you’re a bunch of whores”
Sunny huffed. “It’s about principal. He needs to learn he can’t get away with such vile behaviour.”
“If it’s any consolation, he thinks we’re into three-ways”, added Hyukjae.
The rest of the gang found their way to them by following the skid marks created by Sunny’s driving. “That’s our Sunny”, said Tiffany proudly.
- - -
Eventually, after a few wrong turns, they managed to find their way to a small town with a court house. Which was a step down from their original destination- Seoul, but it was better than nothing. Siwon and Tiffany were at wits end and were seriously considering just waltzing in and pleading the judge to marry them so that, as Siwon said, ‘they could be on their way and move up to the hillside, live in a caravan park and have twenty kids and liver problems’. Or something along those lines.
“How do I look”, Tiffany asked, spinning once.
Siwon kissed her forehead, Donghae died a bit inside. “You look great.”
Tiffany smiled up at him before turning her gaze towards the entrance of the courthouse. “Okay, are you ready?”, she gripped Siwon’s hand and pulled him towards the entrance.
“I object!”, yelled Donghae. A heavy awkward silence followed. “Umm. I mean. This is your only chance to get married, the nearest town after this is probably five hundred kilometres away-”
“Actually it’s only seventy- ow!”, Donghae elbowed Jongwoon in the stomach, because no one needed to hear any unnecessary information.
“I mean”, he pretended to give both of them a once over. “At least make yourselves look presentable for the judge.”
Tiffany considered this. “True, we need to make a good impression.”. She turned to Siwon. “What do you think?”
Siwon simply shrugged. “Best man knows best”
- - -
“Would it be too much if I try and convince Siwon to wear a wifebeater? I mean, no judge could deny those guns matrimony.”, Heechul rambled, sifting through the store’s clothes rack.
Donghae was pretending to be deep in thought about a pair of leather boots. ‘Say...”, he attempted to sound as off-hand as he could. “What happened to that threesome with Siwon you were planning in college?”
Heechul let out an exaggerated sigh. “You mean the ‘SiHanChul Triad?’, it was going to be so epic. I even named it. But Siwon found out about it and gave us this lecture about morality and how he can’t look me in the eyes anymore or something.”
Donghae spluttered. “You mean Siwon didn’t even know! What were you going to do? Molest him in his sleep?”
Heechul scoffed “Hangeng would never allow that.” he turned around, holding two matching vests side by side. “What do you think? Blue or green?”
Donghae groaned and let his head rest on the shoe rack in front of him. “I don’t know”, he whined.
There were only two times when Heechul ever became sympathetic. One was when someone lost a best friend, since Heechul had been through that and back when Hangeng was about to move to China. The other was apparently when someone’s object of desire was about to get married and so far seemed straighter than anyone actually thought.
Heechul placed a comforting hand on Donghae’s back. “If it helps. Siwon didn’t seem as disgusted as I expected when I suggest we do it and Hangeng just watch.”
- - -
Jessica had found Tiffany an adorable pair of heels and a slim black dress which was just oozing with hotness. Jongwoon’s words, he swears. And as for Siwon, well, none of the guys really cared that much in the first place so they all just settled for letting Zhoumi take care of the fashion. Donghae played with the ring, spinning it around his index finger. Wondering if ‘accidentally’ dropping it down the drain was enough to stop this marriage.
“You look like you’re the one about the get married.”, laughed Kibum.
“If being tied down to a life of despair and regrets means marriage. Then yes, Kibum, yes. I am getting married.”
Kibum was beginning to get a little worried. “Are you okay?”
“Is there a way to object to a wedding that says to the bride ‘it’s not you, it’s me’”, Donghae thought out loud.
Kibum came to the conclusion that whatever the problem was, Donghae had been taking advice from the wrong people, most probably Sungmin. “You know, it’s common knowledge that when you really like someone. As in, like like. Their happiness always brings you happiness, even when their happiness hurts you. That’s the best kind of love.” Donghae remained silent for a while, and Kibum wasn’t sure he was really listening until-
“Like like? What are you? Five?”, he scoffed but began to smile. “But you know, that’s probably the most useful thing I’ve heard all day.” Kibum was pleased with himself. He had done well.
- - -
Donghae flung open the door of the men’s bathroom. “Sungmin! I’ve decided to become Siwon’s mistress instead- oh”
Sungmin stood in front of the mirror, a pink comb in the middle of taming Tiffany’s black locks. Tiffany cocked her head at Donghae and Donghae wished he had a heart attack there and then. He also wished it was his birthday, because no one could get mad at him on his birthday.
Sungmin shuffled uncomfortably. Eyes darting from Donghae to Tiffany. “Um. Gasp! Never saw this twist! Anyway, I better be off. Ta!”, he scurried off through the bathroom door.
Donghae cleared his throat. “Urm. I better follow him. To make sure he doesn’t burn something.”, he made a dash for the door before Tiffany caught his wrist.
“Wait!”
Donghae wasn’t sure he could bare to look her in the eyes. Despite spending the last 56 hours brainstorming ways to subtly shave her head and make her fat, he really did like her. He just wanted to make her unattractive so Siwon would do the eloping equivalent of ditching her at the altar. Plus, if they were going to have the ‘you ruined my wedding day’ talk, they should be having it somewhere nice and decorative, not the local bar’s men's bathroom.
“Can we talk”, she pleaded.
“Um, about what? Heechul? Oh, he’s a great guy, slightly on the psycho side but he-”
“I was thinking off the whole unrequited crush on Siwon thing”, Tiffany interrupted.
Donghae let out a forced, awkward laugh. “Oh. Oh that”, he giggled. “That- that’s nothing. Really, it’s nothing. It’s so insignificant, its only consumed my life for the last... four... years...” he trailed off and slumped against the bathroom’s door. Tiffany knelt down beside him.
“I’m not sure they really do objecting anymore. So this is as good as you’re going to get”, Tiffany sighed. “Just make sure he doesn’t try drowning himself in Holy Water when you two hook up”, she joked.
Donghae’s head snapped up and he turned to look at her with wide eyes. “Wait- what?”
Tiffany played with the hem of her shirt, avoiding eye contact. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life anticipating the day when my husband wakes up and decides to finally shave his gay beard.”
Donghae blinked in rapid succession, as if it would help him absorb Tiffany’s words faster.”His what beard?”
“You need to hand it to Siwon’s defense mechanism. He really goes all the way. Most men would go on numerous one night stands. He proposes to his best female friend.”
“Wait, did Siwon tell you this?”, Donghae raised a quizzical eyebrow.
Tiffany finally lifted her head to look at him, she seemed more relieved than upset. “Nope, but I can tell.”
Donghae snorted, and went back to staring at the bathroom tiles. “Yeah right. He loves you. I can tell. I’m his best man.”
“I know he loves me, but only so much. The way he looks at you. It’s different. He doesn’t force himself to stare at your boobs.”, Donghae burst into laughter and Tiffany soon joined in. They giggled themselves into a comfortable silence.
“I’m sorry”, Donghae started. “Even if he didn’t-”
Tiffany placed her hands over her ears. “I don’t want to hear it. But you can do me one favour.”
Donghae nodded eagerly. ‘Anything!”
“If anyone asks, I left him at the altar. Capiche?”
- - -
In the end, no one was really surprised when Tiffany decided ‘Siwon. I’m just not ready for commitment.’ and no one was surprised either when Siwon complied a bit too easily. But everyone was understandably a bit annoyed that their 56 hour roadtrip had resulted in nothing.
On the bright side, Kyuhyun had found some free Wi-Fi near a gas station on the way back home. “This really was a good day”, he concluded, browsing the net from his phone. Donghae stood beside him, watching Siwon whilst sipping on cheap convenient store coffee. Internally debating whether to approach him or not. “Donghae, can I borrow ten bucks?”
Donghae continued staring in Siwon’s general direction, he was being head locked by Hangeng now. He needed a sign to tell him it was okay to approach, something small, like a lightning bolt or the sun splitting would do it. “Why?”
“Because, Starcraft VII is out, and this bitch is trying to outbid me on eBay, and I need ten bucks so I can stick it in his noob face”
“Fine, you can borrow ten dollars”
Kyuhyun gave a sigh of relief. “Thank god. Now. We wait”, he continued giving his touch screen his undivided attention while Donghae continued anticipating the splitting of the sun.
Sungmin dropped his coffee cup in sudden realisation. “Crap. I forgot to tell my mom I was going away”
Donghae choked on his coffee. “And you realise today? Really?” Sungmin preceded to have a silent fit.
“Shes probably called the police by now!”
Donghae attempted to comfort Sungmin who looked like he was about to spontaneously combust. “Don’t worry, she probably called one of our parents who explained the whole thing to her”
Sungmin turned to glare at Donghae, who was slightly taken aback. “Great, thanks. At least then I could pass as running away from home. Now I’m just irresponsible!” He cupped his face in his hands. “What am I going to do! She’ll kill me! She’ll probably send me to Youngwoon’s place for a month, or North Korea, or worse- Youngwoon’s place.”
Kyuhyun thrust his phone in front of Sungmin’s face, who just scowled at him. “What am I meant to do with that?”
Kyuhyun shrugged. “Call her, grovel, use your imagination. Just figure something out.”
Sungmin eyed the phone hesitantly, making sure it wasn’t about to explode. “What about your bid?”
“Call your mom first. The game... can wait”, Kyuhyun looked like he was about to cry. And Donghae just looked uncomfortable, since this was probably the Kyuhyun version of PDA.
“Um... t-thanks”, stuttered Sungmin, at a loss for words. And Donghae realised this was probably a bigger sign than he could have hoped.
- - -Donghae approached Siwon later and pulled him into a one armed hug. “I’m sorry man, but you know. Women.” Siwon shrugged.
“No. No I don’t know.”, he gave Donghae a quick side glance, enough to let Donghae know that Tiffany’s words in the bathroom hadn’t been fabricated. Donghae decided to test the waters.
“So... you and Tiffany, huh?”, he spoke slowly and deliberately, hoping that Siwon would get the hint and not think Donghae was rather slow on the uptake.
Siwon thought for a moment before choosing his words. “No. Not at all, actually.” Donghae rested his head on Siwon’s shoulder and felt the taller man stiffen beside him, which basically confirmed that he knew Donghae knew that he knew. “So... You and someone else who’s not me, huh?”
Donghae smiled to himself. “No. Not at all actually.”
- - -
Fin
a/n: Aah, it's done. Excuse any minor grammar mistakes please, I think they might be particularly prevalent in the bits that were written in the wee hours of the night. I've realised that I can't really write when I try, I can only write whilst watching How I Met Your Mother reruns and listening to I Write Sins and Tragedies on repeat. A song which, if I had a playlist for this, would be the only song on it.
I think I''ve pretty much ruined Heechul and Sungmin's personalities. Oh well, its not like they'll read this. Hopefully. Please. no.
When Donghae found out Siwon was going to elope with the minister's daughter, his first instinct was to wallow in self pity. His second instinct was to get her fat.
They used to joke about who would be the first one to get married in their little posse back in high school. Well, more like they used to joke about who’d get forced into a shotgun wedding back in high school, but according to Heechul ‘is there any other reason for marriage that isn’t money or pregnancy?’. That was when Hyukjae would attempt to be deep and go ‘love’ which would just get him laughed at and condemned for girlifying the moment.
There was also the time they placed a vote on who seemed to be the straightest out of them all. It was a tie between Siwon and Sungmin, but due to Kyuhyun’s persistent protests that the ballot box was clearly rigged, the result was nullified. And Kyuhyun disregarded all arguments that ‘your claim has no backing behind it!’ -- but no one wanted to pursue the cause further, because no one was sure they could pass midterms without Kyuhyun. So it was decided that everyone was asexual and that was that.
So it wasn’t that none of them had given any thought into marriage, or that they were blind to the prospect of it. And as Donghae finished pumping petrol into Heechul’s black Rolls Royce, he reasoned that if it was any other case he’d probably be completely supportive. It’s just that, it was so soon, and unprepared, and Sungmin kept on poking his back and-
“WHO THE HECK GETS MARRIED AT 19!”
A hand slapped the back of his head and Donghae turned to give a dirty glare to Sungmin, who pointed to the front window of the car where Heechul was mouthing something along the lines of ‘hurry it up, douche’.
- - -
Ideally, these wouldn’t be his chosen companions for carpooling, but there’s only so many of them who’ve been trusted with a car, and when your friend decides he’s going to elope with the minister’s daughter tomorrow, everything else kind of loses priority. Though Donghae would much rather be in the silver Mercedes up ahead with Hyukjae, Siwon and the rest, he comforted himself with the fact that it was Kibum driving now, rather than Heechul who somehow thought that just because they were on a deserted highway it was okay for him to try doing a wheelie because he was bored. Also, at least he didn’t have to ride in the bridal car like poor, pitiful Jongwoon.
Sungmin’s head was resting on Shindong’s shoulder and his feet were pressed up against Donghae’s thighs -- which was very inconvenient because Sungmin was a kicker. And every once in a while he’d blurt out something along the lines of ‘asdfghjkl’ which was preceded with a forceful kick.
“Are we there yet?” drawled Donghae. At that moment Sungmin let out a muffled ‘ajibajajaja!’ and his foot collided with Donghae’s forehead. “Is it even legal for him to sleep like this in a car?!” he complained, rubbing his sore forehead. “I mean, what if we crash, he could be thrown right out the window!” If only.
“Who’s going to fine us? The dirt? The tufts of grass? Tumbleweed?” Heechul snorted and went back to chanting ‘faster! faster! faster!’, in Kibum’s ear. Sungmin was now very restless and his foot was rubbing against Donghae’s cheek.
“Hey guys. Kyuhyun says we might have to pull over at the next gas station. They’re short of supplies” said Shindong, sifting through his text messages.
“What supplies?” Sungmin said tiredly.
“Welcome back to the conscious world” greeted Kibum.
Sungmin blinked in fake confusion before sending a smirk in Donghae’s direction. “What world? I was awake this whole time”
Heechul was right, Donghae thought, who was there to fine him? He took his seatbelt off and pounced.
- - -
“Tiffany! You’re going to elope with Tiffany” Kibum gaped incredulously at him.
Donghae, who chose that time to take a sip of his cola, began choking and coughing violently. Sungmin decided to help by slapping his back, a bit too enthusiastically at that.
“That’s crazy! Why would you want to elope with her? Your parents love her, her parents love you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they secretly got both of you hitched when you were five” offered Heechul.
They were sitting on Heechul’s front porch, enjoying the morning sun and thinking up which would be the cruelest way to wake Hyukjae up. That was before Siwon decided to kill the moment by saying he wanted to be a rebel without a cause and get married at 19.
“Um, I think I need to go/” Donghae stood up quickly, accidentally knocking Hyukjae’s head against the white fencing of the porch.
“Concussion to the head. Why didn’t we think of that?” laughed Heechul.
- - -
Donghae picked up a block of particularly rich chocolate. “You know. Maybe if I get her fat...”
“Sungmin tried to do that to Changmin in eleventh grade,” replied Kyuhyun, laying down the items on the checkout counter.
“And?”
“Nothing" Kyuhyun stated matter of factly.
“He got diabetes!” corrected Sungmin.
“No he didn’t. You convinced yourself that. And if he does have it, it’s not because of you.” Kyuhyun countered. Sungmin pouted and walked over to Donghae’s side.
“Well, then go marry him in all his undiabetetic glory!” He humphed and crossed his arms over his chest. “But when his toes fall off don’t try crawling back to me.”
Kyuhyun sighed, irritated. “Whatever makes you happy- you know, if the idea of giving one of your old high school classmates diabetes makes you happy.”
“It makes me ecstatic”
Donghae played with the packaging of the chocolate in the silence that followed, finding the tangent they had gone on a tad bit uncomfortable. “So like. Should I make her fat or not?”
- - -
He was flattered when Siwon chose him as his best man. Even if technically he was only a rebound best man, since Heechul had abused his best man privileges ten minutes in by trying to hold a bachelor party at a strip club.
“And as best man,” Siwon had explained “it is up to you to invite people to this wedding slash roadtrip on my behalf so that I can avoid awkward questions.”
Donghae fiddled with the strings on his hoodie as he entered the music store. Sungmin was on his heels muttering something about how he was sixty per cent sure Tiffany was knocked up.
“Why are you following me?” asked Donghae, exasperated.
Sungmin blinked innocently, “I’m not following you! I’m-” he ran ahead of Donghae and hugged the young man at the counter of the music store. “Here to visit my dear Ryeowook.” Sungmin cooed. Ryeowook looked like this had happened way too many times. Jongwoon emerged from the supply closet at the back of the store and yanked Sungmin away by the collar.
Donghae clapped to get their attention. “Boys! I have important news. Don’t ask questions. Siwon and Tiffany are getting eloped tomorrow, and as close friends of his, he cordially invites you, through me, to attend his roadtrip slash wedding thing. Are you in or are you out?”
Ryeowook and Jongwoon gave Donghae an almost patronising look. “Do you really expect us to not ask questions?” asked Jongwoon.
Donghae sighed. “No” he mumbled, feeling almost defeated.
“Siwon is straight” Ryeowook gasped.
Sungmin laughed. “I know right!”
- - -
They were standing in the bitter cold outside an old shabby motel, waiting for Heechul to persuade the clerk that the ‘no vacancy’ sign outside was an obvious mistake. With the assistance of a wad of cash.
“How many of you are there?” asked the clerk whilst puffing on a cigar.
“Ten. Plus the ladies which are five-”
“Enough, please” begged Jongwoon.
“So fifteen altogether” finished Heechul.
The clerk raised his dirty eyebrow, and gave a diseased sounding chuckle. “Two to one. That’s brave of you. And kinky”
“We aren’t hookers!” exclaimed Jessica. “We are respectable men and women who need a place to stay for the night! Now sir, can you make room for us or not!”
The clerk narrowed his eyes at Jessica who returned the favour with a snarl. “Looky here. The sign says ‘No Vacancy’, or don’t they teach you to read at that whore house” he threw the used cigar at the foot of Jessica’s heels before storming back of into the dilapidated motel.
“Why that!”, Taeyeon exclaimed. Siwon held her back, muttering something about being the bigger person.
Tiffany groaned. “Maybe god just doesn’t approve of eloping”
Donghae fought the urge to agree.
- - -
The girls minus Jongwoon had retreated back to Taeyeon’s car, discussing something in hushed voices. Donghae watched them with bitterness, he bet none of them had to sleep with Sungmin’s feet in their face. Then again, they had to share a car with Jongwoon, and Donghae wasn’t sure whether he had enough self control to not touch their philtrims whilst they were sleeping. They obviously didn’t think so, which was why Jongwoon was banished to spend the night with Ryeowook in the Mercedes. Not that either party was complaining.
“I’m sure I saw a movie like this once.” muttered Sungmin.
“What?” snapped Donghae.
“The best man who’s secretly in love with the groom. And must save him from committing the biggest mistake of his life.”
Donghae snorted and looked back towards the girls’ car, where he could distinguish four feminine sillhoutes gossiping in the dark. “I wonder what they’re talking about.” he murmured.
Sungmin readjusted himself so that he was sitting up. “Why don’t you join them? Get some gossip. Like maybe Tiffany is really in love with me and this whole things a sham to get me jealous.”
Donghae scoffed. “Or maybe, we need some sleep.”
- - -Donghae opened the front door of Taeyeon’s Camry. “Hello there, ladies”
“Out”, ordered Jessica.
- - -
It turns out God was on their side at least a tiny bit because when Kyuhyun left the car for a leak, he ran into an old friend Zhoumi, at the back of an old bar. Zhoumi not only directed Kyuhyun to a place to relieve himself but also insisted that Siwon needed a bachelor party.
“No really, I’m fine!” insisted Siwon.
Zhoumi gave Siwon a once over and concluded. “No. You need a bachelor party.”
And so they were at a local karaoke club, and Heechul was complaining of the injustice of it all.
“Is this what I have to do to get a say? Transfer to China, lose contact for a few years and then suddenly make an unannounced appearance!”
Siwon beckoned Heechul to look around the club. “Heechul. What do you see?”
“No strippers”
“Exactly”
Hangeng patted Heechul’s back in comfort, while Heechul continued arguing his point. “Siwon, I have a whole harem to give me a lap dance. The strippers were for you, the least you could do is appreciate my thoughtfulness.”
Donghae buried his face in his hand. “I think I need a shot.”
Siwon looked at him concerned “What’s wrong?”
“He got shot down by Jessica”, piped up Hyukjae. Well, it sounded better than ‘his plan to somehow stop your wedding was crushed before it could even begin’.
Siwon raised an eyebrow and passed Donghae a glass of white liquid. “No alcohol, but Milk helps build strong bones.”
“And strong bones are a real turn on”, added Heechul sarcastically.
- - -
“Elope? Wow. That was unexpected”, said Kyuhyun, typing absent mindedly at his laptop. “Anyway. Yeah, I’ll go.”
Donghae sat up from where he was staring at the ceiling on Kyuhyun’s bed. “What? Just like that?”, he was hoping from some protest, some rationality, some reason.
“Yeah. My parents are planning to send me to my sister’s place for the weekend. This can be my irrational way of saying ‘No! I’d rather run away from home’”
Donghae kicked the back of Kyuhyun’s chair as to have the younger boy’s undivided attention. “Your sister lives two blocks away!”
Kyuhyun shook his head at Donghae’s naivety. “But she has no wi-fi. She might as well be living with the Sherpas in Nepal”
“Kyuhyun, you can’t just run away from your problems!”, Donghae thought it was time to bring in the ‘stop wasting your life away’ lecture that he had heard so many times from his mother.
“If I were you, I’d spend less time reprimanding me and more time watching My Best Friend’s Wedding and figuring out where Julia Roberts went wrong”
“I’m not going to take romantic advice from someone who’s dating Sungmin!”, exclaimed Donghae, outraged at Kyuhyun’s nerve to make such a ridiculously true comment.
“We aren’t dating. We’re just banging around the bush”, replied Kyuhyun casually.
“The idioms ‘beating around the bush’”, shot back Donghae, wasting no time in the opportunity to outsmart Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun nodded. “I know. But I meant banging”
Donghae took that as his cue to leave.
- - -Even he had to admit the bachelor party was kind of sissy. But it did wear him out, singing six ABBA songs in a row can do that to you. And when he woke up, he was sporting a milk moustache and lying haphazardly across one of the karaoke bar’s tables.
“I can not believe this knocked us out!”, exclaimed Shindong. “When did we become so wussy!”
Because he was now kind of obliged, and because he really believed Zhoumi earnt it, Siwon invited him to join them on their journey to Siwon’s marital bliss. “Old friends really don’t fade”, sniffed Siwon, wrapping Zhoumi in a bear crushing hug. Heechul looked like the sugary scene gave him a cavity.
When they returned to where they had parked their cars, they were ushered inside any random vehicle by Taeyeon and Sunny. “No time. We need to leave!”
And so Donghae found himself sitting on Hyukjae’s lap, in between Zhoumi and (‘internal squeal’ he thought) Siwon. Sunny was driving the Mercedes maniacally while Heechul was screeching ‘HE’S GETTING CLOSER!’. He found he rather liked this arrangement. Not that Hyukjae’s lap was any substitute for soft leather, but it was a minor improvement from Sungmin’s feet. That was until the crazy motel clerk, who apparently had his business TP-ed, knocked into the side of their car with his large truck and Donghae was pushed against Siwon. That was when he decided he really liked this arrangement.
- - -
In the end they managed to lose the psycho motel owner by taking a few unexpected exits. As a result though, they were in the middle of nowhere.
Heechul placed a hand on Sunny’s shoulders “You do not know how proud I am of you. But really, next time, think of the bigger picture. Does it really matter if a shady motel clerk thinks you’re a bunch of whores”
Sunny huffed. “It’s about principal. He needs to learn he can’t get away with such vile behaviour.”
“If it’s any consolation, he thinks we’re into three-ways”, added Hyukjae.
The rest of the gang found their way to them by following the skid marks created by Sunny’s driving. “That’s our Sunny”, said Tiffany proudly.
- - -
Eventually, after a few wrong turns, they managed to find their way to a small town with a court house. Which was a step down from their original destination- Seoul, but it was better than nothing. Siwon and Tiffany were at wits end and were seriously considering just waltzing in and pleading the judge to marry them so that, as Siwon said, ‘they could be on their way and move up to the hillside, live in a caravan park and have twenty kids and liver problems’. Or something along those lines.
“How do I look”, Tiffany asked, spinning once.
Siwon kissed her forehead, Donghae died a bit inside. “You look great.”
Tiffany smiled up at him before turning her gaze towards the entrance of the courthouse. “Okay, are you ready?”, she gripped Siwon’s hand and pulled him towards the entrance.
“I object!”, yelled Donghae. A heavy awkward silence followed. “Umm. I mean. This is your only chance to get married, the nearest town after this is probably five hundred kilometres away-”
“Actually it’s only seventy- ow!”, Donghae elbowed Jongwoon in the stomach, because no one needed to hear any unnecessary information.
“I mean”, he pretended to give both of them a once over. “At least make yourselves look presentable for the judge.”
Tiffany considered this. “True, we need to make a good impression.”. She turned to Siwon. “What do you think?”
Siwon simply shrugged. “Best man knows best”
- - -
“Would it be too much if I try and convince Siwon to wear a wifebeater? I mean, no judge could deny those guns matrimony.”, Heechul rambled, sifting through the store’s clothes rack.
Donghae was pretending to be deep in thought about a pair of leather boots. ‘Say...”, he attempted to sound as off-hand as he could. “What happened to that threesome with Siwon you were planning in college?”
Heechul let out an exaggerated sigh. “You mean the ‘SiHanChul Triad?’, it was going to be so epic. I even named it. But Siwon found out about it and gave us this lecture about morality and how he can’t look me in the eyes anymore or something.”
Donghae spluttered. “You mean Siwon didn’t even know! What were you going to do? Molest him in his sleep?”
Heechul scoffed “Hangeng would never allow that.” he turned around, holding two matching vests side by side. “What do you think? Blue or green?”
Donghae groaned and let his head rest on the shoe rack in front of him. “I don’t know”, he whined.
There were only two times when Heechul ever became sympathetic. One was when someone lost a best friend, since Heechul had been through that and back when Hangeng was about to move to China. The other was apparently when someone’s object of desire was about to get married and so far seemed straighter than anyone actually thought.
Heechul placed a comforting hand on Donghae’s back. “If it helps. Siwon didn’t seem as disgusted as I expected when I suggest we do it and Hangeng just watch.”
- - -
Jessica had found Tiffany an adorable pair of heels and a slim black dress which was just oozing with hotness. Jongwoon’s words, he swears. And as for Siwon, well, none of the guys really cared that much in the first place so they all just settled for letting Zhoumi take care of the fashion. Donghae played with the ring, spinning it around his index finger. Wondering if ‘accidentally’ dropping it down the drain was enough to stop this marriage.
“You look like you’re the one about the get married.”, laughed Kibum.
“If being tied down to a life of despair and regrets means marriage. Then yes, Kibum, yes. I am getting married.”
Kibum was beginning to get a little worried. “Are you okay?”
“Is there a way to object to a wedding that says to the bride ‘it’s not you, it’s me’”, Donghae thought out loud.
Kibum came to the conclusion that whatever the problem was, Donghae had been taking advice from the wrong people, most probably Sungmin. “You know, it’s common knowledge that when you really like someone. As in, like like. Their happiness always brings you happiness, even when their happiness hurts you. That’s the best kind of love.” Donghae remained silent for a while, and Kibum wasn’t sure he was really listening until-
“Like like? What are you? Five?”, he scoffed but began to smile. “But you know, that’s probably the most useful thing I’ve heard all day.” Kibum was pleased with himself. He had done well.
- - -
Donghae flung open the door of the men’s bathroom. “Sungmin! I’ve decided to become Siwon’s mistress instead- oh”
Sungmin stood in front of the mirror, a pink comb in the middle of taming Tiffany’s black locks. Tiffany cocked her head at Donghae and Donghae wished he had a heart attack there and then. He also wished it was his birthday, because no one could get mad at him on his birthday.
Sungmin shuffled uncomfortably. Eyes darting from Donghae to Tiffany. “Um. Gasp! Never saw this twist! Anyway, I better be off. Ta!”, he scurried off through the bathroom door.
Donghae cleared his throat. “Urm. I better follow him. To make sure he doesn’t burn something.”, he made a dash for the door before Tiffany caught his wrist.
“Wait!”
Donghae wasn’t sure he could bare to look her in the eyes. Despite spending the last 56 hours brainstorming ways to subtly shave her head and make her fat, he really did like her. He just wanted to make her unattractive so Siwon would do the eloping equivalent of ditching her at the altar. Plus, if they were going to have the ‘you ruined my wedding day’ talk, they should be having it somewhere nice and decorative, not the local bar’s men's bathroom.
“Can we talk”, she pleaded.
“Um, about what? Heechul? Oh, he’s a great guy, slightly on the psycho side but he-”
“I was thinking off the whole unrequited crush on Siwon thing”, Tiffany interrupted.
Donghae let out a forced, awkward laugh. “Oh. Oh that”, he giggled. “That- that’s nothing. Really, it’s nothing. It’s so insignificant, its only consumed my life for the last... four... years...” he trailed off and slumped against the bathroom’s door. Tiffany knelt down beside him.
“I’m not sure they really do objecting anymore. So this is as good as you’re going to get”, Tiffany sighed. “Just make sure he doesn’t try drowning himself in Holy Water when you two hook up”, she joked.
Donghae’s head snapped up and he turned to look at her with wide eyes. “Wait- what?”
Tiffany played with the hem of her shirt, avoiding eye contact. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life anticipating the day when my husband wakes up and decides to finally shave his gay beard.”
Donghae blinked in rapid succession, as if it would help him absorb Tiffany’s words faster.”His what beard?”
“You need to hand it to Siwon’s defense mechanism. He really goes all the way. Most men would go on numerous one night stands. He proposes to his best female friend.”
“Wait, did Siwon tell you this?”, Donghae raised a quizzical eyebrow.
Tiffany finally lifted her head to look at him, she seemed more relieved than upset. “Nope, but I can tell.”
Donghae snorted, and went back to staring at the bathroom tiles. “Yeah right. He loves you. I can tell. I’m his best man.”
“I know he loves me, but only so much. The way he looks at you. It’s different. He doesn’t force himself to stare at your boobs.”, Donghae burst into laughter and Tiffany soon joined in. They giggled themselves into a comfortable silence.
“I’m sorry”, Donghae started. “Even if he didn’t-”
Tiffany placed her hands over her ears. “I don’t want to hear it. But you can do me one favour.”
Donghae nodded eagerly. ‘Anything!”
“If anyone asks, I left him at the altar. Capiche?”
- - -
In the end, no one was really surprised when Tiffany decided ‘Siwon. I’m just not ready for commitment.’ and no one was surprised either when Siwon complied a bit too easily. But everyone was understandably a bit annoyed that their 56 hour roadtrip had resulted in nothing.
On the bright side, Kyuhyun had found some free Wi-Fi near a gas station on the way back home. “This really was a good day”, he concluded, browsing the net from his phone. Donghae stood beside him, watching Siwon whilst sipping on cheap convenient store coffee. Internally debating whether to approach him or not. “Donghae, can I borrow ten bucks?”
Donghae continued staring in Siwon’s general direction, he was being head locked by Hangeng now. He needed a sign to tell him it was okay to approach, something small, like a lightning bolt or the sun splitting would do it. “Why?”
“Because, Starcraft VII is out, and this bitch is trying to outbid me on eBay, and I need ten bucks so I can stick it in his noob face”
“Fine, you can borrow ten dollars”
Kyuhyun gave a sigh of relief. “Thank god. Now. We wait”, he continued giving his touch screen his undivided attention while Donghae continued anticipating the splitting of the sun.
Sungmin dropped his coffee cup in sudden realisation. “Crap. I forgot to tell my mom I was going away”
Donghae choked on his coffee. “And you realise today? Really?” Sungmin preceded to have a silent fit.
“Shes probably called the police by now!”
Donghae attempted to comfort Sungmin who looked like he was about to spontaneously combust. “Don’t worry, she probably called one of our parents who explained the whole thing to her”
Sungmin turned to glare at Donghae, who was slightly taken aback. “Great, thanks. At least then I could pass as running away from home. Now I’m just irresponsible!” He cupped his face in his hands. “What am I going to do! She’ll kill me! She’ll probably send me to Youngwoon’s place for a month, or North Korea, or worse- Youngwoon’s place.”
Kyuhyun thrust his phone in front of Sungmin’s face, who just scowled at him. “What am I meant to do with that?”
Kyuhyun shrugged. “Call her, grovel, use your imagination. Just figure something out.”
Sungmin eyed the phone hesitantly, making sure it wasn’t about to explode. “What about your bid?”
“Call your mom first. The game... can wait”, Kyuhyun looked like he was about to cry. And Donghae just looked uncomfortable, since this was probably the Kyuhyun version of PDA.
“Um... t-thanks”, stuttered Sungmin, at a loss for words. And Donghae realised this was probably a bigger sign than he could have hoped.
- - -Donghae approached Siwon later and pulled him into a one armed hug. “I’m sorry man, but you know. Women.” Siwon shrugged.
“No. No I don’t know.”, he gave Donghae a quick side glance, enough to let Donghae know that Tiffany’s words in the bathroom hadn’t been fabricated. Donghae decided to test the waters.
“So... you and Tiffany, huh?”, he spoke slowly and deliberately, hoping that Siwon would get the hint and not think Donghae was rather slow on the uptake.
Siwon thought for a moment before choosing his words. “No. Not at all, actually.” Donghae rested his head on Siwon’s shoulder and felt the taller man stiffen beside him, which basically confirmed that he knew Donghae knew that he knew. “So... You and someone else who’s not me, huh?”
Donghae smiled to himself. “No. Not at all actually.”
- - -
Fin
a/n: Aah, it's done. Excuse any minor grammar mistakes please, I think they might be particularly prevalent in the bits that were written in the wee hours of the night. I've realised that I can't really write when I try, I can only write whilst watching How I Met Your Mother reruns and listening to I Write Sins and Tragedies on repeat. A song which, if I had a playlist for this, would be the only song on it.
I think I''ve pretty much ruined Heechul and Sungmin's personalities. Oh well, its not like they'll read this. Hopefully. Please. no.