[SJ Fic] To Narcissism and Beyond
To Narcissism and Beyond: Hankyung/Heechul, Kyuhyun/Donghae (4026 Words)
So the inevitable happens- Heechul falls in love with himself. And Hankyung's pride won't let him consider this even remotely a love triangle.It was standing in the kitchen when it was first found. Naked. Nobody really thought much of it, they just presumed Heechul had finished doing whatever nasty things he does and came here for a midnight snack. Or to look for something that could be used as an aphrodisiac. Everyone just ignored it and averted their gaze elsewhere, or in Siwon’s case- muttered silent prayers while fighting an inner battle on whether to look or not to look.
It wasn’t until Eunhyuk started complaining that if he wasn’t allowed to walk around freely in his boxers then Heechul shouldn’t be allowed to stand stark naked in their kitchen, that they realised something was wrong.
Leeteuk stumbled into the kitchen, one hand clamped firmly over his eyes. “Heechul, we’re just wondering when you’re planning to put some clothes on?”
No answer.
Leeteuk peeked through the gap in his fingers, and saw Heechul properly for the first time before letting out a piercing shriek. The Super Junior members gathered to the crime scene, all talking at once and asking Leeteuk what was wrong before looking up at Heechul and wondering how they didn’t notice this before.
“Boobs”, Shindong deadpanned, staring at the being that looked like Heechul but obviously wasn’t Heechul.
The female Heechul thing began shivering, the cold being too much for her bare skin.
“Two boobs”, Donghae nodded, eyes wide open.
“Boobs is a plural you moron. And seriously, what- are we having an orgy in the kitchen without me- SHIT!”, Heechul entered the kitchen, fully clothed and male. All heads turned to look at him before turning their attention back to his female counterpart.
“Can we keep her?”, asked Hankyung.
- - -
Heechul had ushered everyone out of the kitchen, reprimanding them for eye molesting the being they had all silently agreed to deem ‘Shechul’.
“What happened to shame, boys?”, Heechul asked, shaking his head in disappointment. No one wanted to point out the hypocrisy in that statement, because inside, no one wanted to ruin their chances with Shechul. They just stayed silent and bowed their heads while Heechul led Shechul- who was shivering violently from the cold- into his room.
Kangin waited for the soft click of Heechul’s bedroom door before saying. “Can I please just confirm, that I am not the only one who is slightly attracted to... it.”
“Her name is Shechul!”, Kyuhyun yelled. Everyone looked at him. “And um... yes.”
Kangin cleared his throat, deliberating on whether to ask his question or not. “So wait, are we straight or just really gay in denial?”
Leeteuk buried his face in his hands and groaned. “Everyone, go back to sleep. Maybe when I wake up it’ll all be a dream, and I’ll be in the military.”
- - -They did sleep and wake up. And when Hankyung walked in on Shechul and Heechul making breakfast together, he slapped himself five times to make sure he was really awake. He felt a soft hand on his left cheek and suddenly met Shechul’s eyes.
“Don’t hurt yourself. Come, I made pancakes.”, Shechul sang, beckoning Hankyung to take a seat.
“Y-you can talk!”, Hankyung stated, visibly flabbergasted.
Heechul snorted. ‘Of course she can! She’s a human being, Hankyung. One that was molded after the greatest one on Earth.”
Hankyung turned red and began apologising to Shechul, embarrassed at his lack of mannerisms. “S-sorry, it’s just that. Last night you didn’t-”
“Who would talk in that situation. She was naked in the kitchen, and had 12 shameless men eye rape her. There’s not much to say, Hankyung.”, Heechul tsked before stealing some of Hankyung’s pancakes.
Kyuhyun waltzed into the kitchen next, bright and happy with a dozen roses in his hand. “Hi Shechul!”, he chirped.
Shechul quirked her eyebrows. “Who’s Shechul? Is that my name?”
Kyuhyun stopped in his tracks. “Um. I don’t know. is it?”, he asked.
Shechul giggled. “It is now!”, she noticed the flowers in Kyuhyun’s arms. “Are those for me?”, she asked.
Kyuhyun- their Kyuhyun, who was more or less asexual to them, turned beet red before holding the flowers out to Shechul and looking away shyly.
“Aaw”, Shechul cooed, pinching Kyuhyun’s cheeks. “That’s just so sweet.”
Kyuhyun scratched the back of his neck, still smiling like a young school boy. “Hi, I’m Kyuhyun.”
“And you”, Shechul tapped Kyuhyun’s nose and he emitted a high pitched giggle. “Are going to try some of my pancakes.” Kyuhyun nodded and wandered over to take a seat next to Hankyung.
“Are you okay?”, Hankyung asked. Kyuhyun simply sighed and stared at Shechul, who was dancing around the kitchen humming a song to herself.
- - -
Kangin came running into the living room. Heechul was watching T.V with his feet up on the couch, sipping a diet cola.
“Hey, um where’s Shechul?”, he asked.
“She’s getting ready for church.”, Heechul answered.
“Church?”
“Yeah, she’s a Christian apparently.”, Heechul sipped at his drink nonchalantly. At that moment Shechul came spinning into the room, sporting a pink knee-length dress- one that Kangin recognised to be from Heechul’s collection.
“How do I look”, she asked Heechul.
Heechul gave her a thumbs up, eyes still glued on the T.V. “Great.”
Siwon followed after her, dressed in a suit and smelling of cologne. “Are you ready, Shechul?” He asked, excited- because he had finally found a church buddy who wouldn’t try and sneak their PSP into the service.
Shechul nodded eagerly. “Heechul, why don’t you join me and Siwon. Get out of the house for a bit.”
Heechul groaned, “Do I have to?”
“It would be nice”, Shechul gave him her puppy eyes, and not even Heechul could resist his own puppy eyes.
“Okay”, he lifted himself of the couch. “But I’m not changing”
Shechul jumped up and down excitedly. “Goody! Would you like the join us Kangin?”
Kangin, who was busy not staring at Shechul’s lady lumps, was slightly taken aback. “Um, no thanks. I- I have to workout. You know, Korea’s number one strong man...”, he trailed off lamely. Shechul just gave him a smile and mouthed ‘Hwaiting!’.
“I’ll go! I’m free!”, Kyuhyun stumbled into the living room, clearly eavesdropping. Before Kangin could protest, Heechul interrupted.
“Nah ah, kid. Threes already a crowd.”, Heechul led Siwon and Shechul out the door, leaving Kyuhyun and Kangin to bask in awkward silence.
Kyuhyun turned to face Kangin. “Working out. Subtle.”, he snorted.
Kangin laughed, “Isn’t it your nap time?”
They shot daggers at each other from across the room. Hankyung watched the whole thing unfold from the kitchen and decided it had gone too far.
- - -
“They’re fighting over going to Church, Leeteuk! It’s gone too far!”, Hankyung was pacing around Leeteuk and Donghae’s room, listing all the reasons why he thought Shechul was an escaped prostitute.
Donghae was kicking a soccer ball absent mindedly on his bed. “I think she’s nice. She played soccer with me today when Heechul wouldn’t.”
Hankyung lifted his hands in the air, exasperated. “She’s Heechul’s opposite! Take all his personality traits, and spin them around- and you get her!”
“In other words, she’s perfect.”, Leeteuk concluded. “Hankyung, she hasn’t done anything bad to you. Give her a chance.”
Hankyung sighed, giving into reason. “Fine, but I’m getting a bad vibe from her. And don’t you think everybody is taking this a little too casually.”
“Whisky helps”, Leeteuk offered.
- - -
Heechul slipped into Hankyung’s room that night, nudging his shoulders from over the blanket. “Hankyung, psst, Hankyung.”
Hankyung turned to face Heechul, his eyes laced with sleep. “What Heechul?”
“I’m in love.”
“What?!”, Heechul placed his hands over Hankyung’s mouth, glaring at him.
“Shh. Listen, no one knows yet.”
Hankyung sat up, eyes boring into Heechul who was looking a bit uncomfortable- and was he blushing? ”Is this because you went to Church?”, asked Hankyung, hoping Heechul was talking about his new found love for Jesus or something.
“Church? Oh that, no I bailed and took Shechul with me. No counterpart of mine shall freely be able to believe in God.”
“Um, in love with what? Life? Cats? Kimchi? Siwon?”, he could deal with Siwon, because that’d more than certainly be one sided and being the best friend he was, Hankyung was completely ready to take advantage of Heechul whilst he was vulnerable.
“No...”, Heechul’s eyes began darting around the room. “With, Shechul.”
Saying he was a bit disturbed wasn’t enough to describe the emotions flooding through Hankyung. “Holy crap! Are you serious?”
Heechul waved his hands in a frenzy, indicating Hankyung to keep his voice down, and even more disturbing was that Heechul actually seemed to be bashful about the whole thing. “Yes, I am. I’m not proud of it you know. I’m actually... conflicted.”
Hankyung clutched his head tightly, trying to squeeze all reason out of his mind. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if he was insane. “You...”, he starts slowly. “Are in love with yourself.” The idea was almost hilarious but Hankyung couldn’t bring himself to laugh. Because, ew.
“Well when you put it that way, it actually seems reasonable.”, Heechul nodded, slightly at ease.
Hankyung was left dumbstruck “Reasonable? What was the original problem then?”
Heechul rolled his eyes patronisingly at Hankyung. “It’s obvious Kangin has a thing for her. Bros before hoes you know.”, Hankyung had to give him credit, Heechul had his priorities. “But, you’re right! Shechul has my body, and no one should be allowed to ravish it except me.”
“Oh god! Stop talking!”, Hankyung fell back into his mattress, attempting to suffocate himself with his pillow.
- - -
One thing was made for sure in the Super Junior dorm, subtlety was not in Kim Heechul’s dictionary. However, the members of their band weren’t exactly renown for being observant, so it cancelled out quite well. However there were the few exceptions, like Kyuhyun.
“Does he really think he has a shot with her?”, Kyuhyun scoffed. “I mean, they aren’t compatible at all! They’re nothing alike.” Hankyung gave Kyuhyun a questioning look. “I mean, aside from the exact physical appearance. But it’s the inside that counts!”
Truthfully, Kyuhyun hooking up with Shechul wasn’t exactly on top of Hankyung’s lists of worries, but it would put an abrupt stop to what held number one on that list.
“So, you’re just going to let him take her?”, prodded Hankyung.
“What?”, asked Kyuhyun sharply.
“I mean, whining won’t do anything. Shechul wants real men, ones who take action.”
Kyuhyun nodded, taking in what Hankyung had said. “You’re right, I’m going to have to take this into my own hands!”
“And out of mine”, Hankyung murmured to himself.
- - -
Hankyung decided that whatever Kyuhyun was planning to do, he wasn’t doing it fast enough. Everytime Hankyung had silently suggested Shechul was beginning to take an actual interest in Heechul, Kyuhyun would simply chuckle darkly before secluding himself in the bathroom. He asked Sungmin what he could possibly be doing in there, and when he promptly replied ‘I don’t know, probably jerking off to her image’, Hankyung decided that he needed to take drastic measures. Meaning Kangin.
“So you’re perfectly okay with this?”, inquired Hankyung, leaning against the door-frame. Kangin lay sprawled on his bed, lifting weights with his right arm.
“Okay with what?”, he asked.
Hankyung cleared his throat. “With Heechul’s twisted narcissism.”
Kangin sighed sitting up on his bed and pouting in a very unmanly fashion. “So, they really are a thing, huh?” He exhaled loudly before flopping back down onto his mattress. “You know, I really thought we had something... special. Like I’d look at her, and I could just imagine our whole life playing out-”
“They don’t have to be a thing!”, interrupted Hankyung, becoming disturbed and not wanting to delve further into Kangin’s girlish fantasies. “Show her you care about her more than Heechul ever will. Show her how a... person should be treated.”
Kangin seemed to be contemplating this idea for a while until an explicit moan sounded from the living room, causing an awkward silence to disperse around the whole dorm. Hankyung shut his eyes tightly and took several deep breaths, praying that it wasn’t what it sounded like.
“OH, HEECHUL!”, came a loud gasp. It seemed God knew Hankyung was an atheist, and liked to spite him in every way possible.
Kangin sat cross-legged and shell shocked, eyes as wide and saucers, and if he didn’t know any better, Hankyung could swear he saw his lower lip wibble. He motioned for Kangin to stay put while he ran to the living room, ready to scold Heechul for shattering the boundaries of PDA. However, Leeteuk beat him to it.
“No! No more! No ones having sex in the living room. Not again.”, he shrieked before pausing abruptly at the sight he was met with. Hankyung stopped next to him, mentally slamming his forehead against a wall.
“Why hello there Leeteuk.”, Heechul smiled innocently. “Hankyung.” he briefly acknowledged. Hankyung snarled.
Shechul’s head popped up from behind Heechul. “Hello! Sorry, did I disturb you? I was helping Heechul practice for his new drama.”
Hankyung snorted in disbelief and Leeteuk narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “What drama?”, he inquired.
Heechul waved his hand dismissively and turned back to Shechul. “It’s in pre-production, the titles in the works.”.
Leeteuk put his hands on his hip, attempting to assert is authority. “Whatever it is Kim Heechul, I hope it’s PG-13. You know we have a sensitive fanbase, some as young as thirteen. And Donghae.” he quickly added.
“Oh yeah, this is Disney shit. In fact, it’s a Sleeping Beauty remake. We’re doing the scene where she gets pricked by a spindle needle.”, Heechul demonstrated by prodding Shechul’s shoulder, igniting a moan from his female counterpart.
Leeteuk’s jaw dropped and Hankyung looked away in disgust, beckoning them to stop. “You’re vile!”, he complained. He staggered away from the scene, not wanting to look back.
“Hankyung! Don’t leave me!”, whined Leeteuk, chasing after him. Hankyung stepped into Kangin’s bedroom and slammed the door in the leader’s face before turning back to the aforementioned who was currently curled up in fetal position.
“Um, don’t worry.”, Hankyung comforted. “They’re just practicing for a Sleeping Beauty remake”, he mumbled.
Kangin took his thumb out of his mouth long enough to murmur. “Sounds kinky.” Hankyung shuddered and decided to leave the room, not wanting to witness the slow deterioration of Kangin’s manly pride.
- - -
Hankyung had to give props to Kangin, because he worked much faster than Kyuhyun. And while Kyuhyun was busy doing whatever he was doing in the bathroom (‘jerking off’, Sungmin persisted.) Kangin had arranged a whole banquet in honour of Shechul’s three week anniversary with them.
“A toast!” Kangin proclaimed. “To the one blessing god has bestowed on this effed up band”
A round of hesitant applause began, with Shechul beaming brightly and Heechul seething beside her. Leeteuk had his hands buried in his face, most probably trying to find his happy place. Kyuhyun, not surprisingly, was nowhere to be seen.
“What’s so significant about three weeks? I mean, maybe if it was a week anniversary, it’d be somewhat relevant. Or even a month. But three weeks is just like you desperately wanted an excuse to impress someone.” Commented Eunhyuk.
“Or an excuse to eat!” Added Shindong, who wasted no time in indulging in the feast.
“Three weeks is significant, because it is a week before a month.”, answered Kangin through gritted teeth.
“If you really wanted to eat, you could have just asked me to make you food.” Said Ryeowook quietly, prodding the steak laid out in front of him.
“I didn’t want to eat!” Yelled Kangin, frustrated.
Donghae stood up quickly and pounded his fist on the table, causing the plated delicacies to quiver lightly and Shechul to wince. “Kangin is not fat!”, he exclaimed.
“No... no one said that Donghae”, Kangin responded. Donghae blinked twice before letting out an ‘Oh’ and sitting back down, delving in his dinner as if nothing happened.
Heechul pulled at his hair. “You know what! This is a waste of time! Come on Shechul!” He pulled Shechul up forcefully, the latter not resisting, and pulled her towards the door. Kangin made to block their path and stared down at Heechul.
“If you want to leave, then leave! But don’t drag Shechul with you!” Kangin snarled, latching onto Shechul’s other arm. What happened next resembled a childish game of tug-o-war, with random insertions of ‘Boys! Make love! Not hate!’, by Shechul- who apart from that, looked apathetic to being treated like a rag-doll.
“Aren’t you going to stop them”, whispered Hankyung into Leeteuk’s ear.
Leeteuk took a deep sip from his wine glass, and wiped his mouth gracefully with his sleeve. “I’ve given up on life. I’m just going to die a sad alcoholic.”
“Hey where’s Kyuhyun?” Yesung asked.
“Not here, that’s all that matters”, replied Leeteuk, refiling his wine glass.
Hankyung looked softly at the older male, concerned. “You do know that’s not actually alcohol, right?”
“Can’t I just pretend something in my life is right!” Growled Leeteuk. Hankyung nodded quickly, and tried to find someone sane to make conversation with. If luck liked him, maybe Heechul and Kangin would tear Shechul in half.
“So Donghae...”, he started. Donghae raised a hand and stared intently at the trio whose conflict had taken a slightly different turn.
“Look! Why don’t we just have a threesome!
“That is vile! No!”
“But Kangin... if it would make all of us happy...”
Hankyung shivered and turned back to Donghae who was mouthing something slowly, hopefully an enchantment to turn Shechul into a frog.
“3. 2. 1”, said Donghae and a knock on the door followed.
Heechul and Kangin stopped arguing long enough to turn towards Leeteuk. “Aren’t you going to get that?”, they asked in unison. Leeteuk responded by raising his middle finger.
“I’ll get it!” chirped Shechul, prancing to the front door and opening it slowly. The name that slipped out of her mouth caused everyone to freeze. “Yunho!”, she exclaimed. Eunhyuk spat out the water he was drinking. Shechul clutched at her head, her eyes becoming glazed over. “I- I remember now.”
Jung Yunho stood in the doorway, a sheepish smile on his face. He waved shyly at the Super Junior members who were looking at him with judgemental glares. “Um, hi guys!” He pulled Shechul towards him and wrapped an arm around her waist.
Heechul looked horrified. “What the fu-”
“Um, do you mind explaining?” interrupted Hankyung. “Please”
Yunho looked away coyly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, I really missed Heechul. And I have needs...”
He continued his long winded explanation of why he had had a female version of Heechul in his arms. Expressions of disgust filled the room, and Leeteuk spent much of the explanation covering some of the younger member’s ears. Halfway through, Heechul stopped becoming horrified and began feeling flattered. And Hankyung was slightly impressed at the mention of Junsu attempting to create a female Heechul hybrid using only Heechul’s saliva. But mostly he was disturbed, and took the liberty of feeling violated on behalf of Heechul and the rest of the human race. It was when Yunho began describing the things Shechul was capable of to it’s full extent that Leeteuk decided it was best he leave and ushered him and Shechul both out of the room quickly. Hankyung muffled Kangin’s screams of ‘keep in touch okay!’
- - -“And you guys insist I’m creepy”, said Yesung after Yunho had left. Everyone ignored him, because everyone was trying to pretend nothing had happened.
“I took her to church”, sobbed Siwon, looking scandalized.
Donghae continued his dinner, unfazed by the previous proceedings. Hankyung stared at him admiringly. “How did you know?” He questioned.
The younger boy shrugged. “I didn’t. I just called Yunho to whine about how this chick who looked like Heechul was whoring around our band and he sort of just broke down. So I told him to crash Kangin’s dinner party”
Hankyung raised an eyebrow at Donghae, who was chewing on his steak casually. “Wait, I thought you liked Shechul? What happened?”
Donghae’s face darkened, and he lowered his head. “Well-”
The lights turned off unexpectedly and soft music began resounding through the room. The dorm was shrouded with darkness and naturally, panic ensued.
“Oh my god! It’s the ghost of Shechul! She’s come to take revenge”
“She’s not dead you moron!”
“Donghae, did you take my kimchi?”
“I knew it. You guys pulled me into hell.”
The lights that illuminated the hallway relit, revealing Kyuhyun’s slim figure walking towards the group of befuddled men. He was decked in a smart tuxedo, and his hair was gelled to lay flat. Kyuhyun took a deep breath and produced a small, expensive looking box from his pocket.
“Oh my god.”, Hankyung shut his eyes in second hand embarrassment.
“Shechul!”, the maknae exclaimed, eyes shut in anticipation. “Will you marry me!”, he pulled opened the box to reveal a rusty ring, which looked like it was hastily made out of paperclips.
Heechul scoffed. “You were going to propose to me with that”, he pointed at the ring as if it was carrying some kind of contagious disease. Which it probably was by the looks of it.
Kyuhyun opened one eye and scanned the room. “Hey, where’s Shechul?”, he asked.
“Hopefully, faraway. Very faraway.” replied Leeteuk.
Kyuhyun’s face fell, and he sat down on an unoccupied chair, defeated. “Aw man!”, he stomped his foot in annoyance. Donghae patted his back reassuringly.
“Don’t worry Kyuhyunnie, there’s other men out there.” He comforted, putting extra emphasis on the word men. And suddenly Donghae’s motives became a lot clearer.
“Wait. So this was your plan to woo over Shechul? To propose?”, asked Hankyung. Kyuhyun nodded solemnly. “Then why were you in the bathroom so much these days?”
Kyuhyun shrugged. “Jerking off” he answered. Hankyung played deaf to Sungmin’s ‘I TOLD YOU!’.
- - -
“Are you okay?”, Hankyung knocked on Heechul’s door softly.
“Come in.”, drawled Heechul.
Hankyung stepped inside. Heechul was lying on his stomach on the bed, face buried into a pillow. Hankyung approached him hesitantly, choosing his words carefully before speaking. “I know you liked her a lot. But maybe this is for the best.”
Heechul let out a dramatised sigh and beckoned for Hankyung to come over. “I’m okay. Maybe this was a learning experience for all of us.”
Hankyung sat down beside Heechul and ran his fingers through his hair. “Um, how?”
“Donghae learnt about Kyuhyun’s ideal type. Siwon learnt that no one likes God without a catch. Kangin learnt that I’m not really that great of a friend. Leeteuk learnt that he’s lying to himself and he really does hate all of us. And Kyuhyun learnt that he should just stop trying.”
Hankyung chuckled at his member’s supposed life lessons. “And may I ask, what have you learnt?”
Heechul lifted his face off the pillow and sat upright, eyeing Hankyung carefully before bringing his face closer to his. Hankyung blinked in rapid succession, evidently caught of guard. “That you, Hankyung. Are almost as unsubtle as me.” he smirked before closing the distance between them.
- - -
Donghae ran to catch up with Kyuhyun who was taking fast strides towards the airport’s check-in. “Kyuhyun, is this really necessary? She doesn’t want you!”
Kyuhyun simply snarled in response. “And she wants Yunho?!”
“Apparently!”
Kyuhyun shook his head in denial before coming to an abrupt stop in the middle of the airport. “No! She’s not suited for Japan! She belongs here with me”, his voice quivered during the last sentence.
Donghae sighed and wrapped the younger in his arms, letting him sob quietly into his jacket. “You know what? Maybe she won’t even make it past quarantine.” Kyuhyun looked at him hopefully and sniffed.
“R-really?”
Donghae nodded and ruffled Kyuhyun’s hair. He lead him out of the airport, crossing his fingers that Shechul would be detained by airport security and taken into a lab for testing.
- - -
a/n: I. AM. SO. SORRY. This is just pure crack. And I made Yunho such a creeper here, I don’t even ;_; Anyway, this was originally done for the 100 Fic Challenge, under Heechul/Heechul: Shiver, but along the way I broke so many rules it was just like- ‘dude’.
I think a lot of it is really incoherent. And if the style changes halfway, that’s my fault. I started this, then scrapped it for months, then I started it again against my better judgement. And yes, the ending is rushed, I wanted to get it over with. Also, why can't I write PROPER KyuHae? D: Maybe it's because they're already so perfect in real life?