For musesandlyrics | 6.12 Star Trek II Quote
6.12. "How to deal with death is at least as important as how to deal with life."
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Co-written with pullmysteth
[Follows THIS and THIS]
At the bar of a quiet little, cosy pub in a back street of Princeton, Riley had somewhat of a production line going in front of him. First there was his cell phone in case Harri called him back, then there was his stethoscope which he had absentmindedly left hanging around his throat when he left the hospital, then there was the peanut bowl which he had no appetite for touching, then there was a pint of beer followed by four shots containing different spirits ending in Absinthe for a heavy and hard hit that he decided he needed. At the end of it, his hand rested on the bar beside his twin sister's. He had been mostly silent since she picked him up from PPTH. Outwardly, the events of the night had well caught up with him. His face was pale and he had heavy dark smudges under his eyes that emphasised the way he was blinking slowly as he contemplated the yet untouched booze in front of him. He hadn't eaten since the evening before, so he could be about to enter interesting territory, but he couldn't find it in him to care. His lips were dry and his shoulders slumped, his curly hair unruly from the amount of times he had threaded his fingers through it over the night.
With a small exhalation, he cleared his throat and moved his hand to wrap his fingers around Tab's hand, giving it a small squeeze, reminding himself that he wasn't alone and he didn't need to be. With what happened just a few short hours before, the whole HIV thing had been shoved abruptly to the forefront of his mind. It always felt like he was back to square one, but was fighting not to quite get there because he knew how bad it had been. He had a wife and children now to think about. He couldn't fall off the wagon because they needed him, even if he felt like he was teetering on the edge of it. Dr Cuddy had requested a meeting with him after she had heard about some damage to equipment in the morgue. Riley had blankly and numbly told her what happened, not lying and not hedging any of it. She understood, and admitted to him that she probably would have expected him to react a lot worse. Then she congratulated him on keeping his head and professionalism to do all he could for the patient, and to head the emergency with the duel-casualty car accident involving Nurse Preston. Riley had just watched her blankly, lacking emotion, and nodding when he needed to. Her praise went unheard considering the circumstances. At the end of the meeting, as she suggested he take the rest of his paternity leave without being on call and to see the staff counsellor for debrief, Riley requested extended leave on medical grounds. As he signed the forms, there was a disconcerting feeling that he really might not return to being a doctor again. It just made him feel sick inside. He never wanted to doubt his skills as a doctor, and ever since he got attacked, it had always been there. Maybe it really had been a mistake going back?
He could feel Tab's eyes on him, but he was quiet still for a few more moments. She didn't know. She just thought he was taking Pat and Aiden's accident really hard, and he was. It was just another thing to compound and he was so tired. He was still waiting to hear if Aiden was out of danger. Until he heard, there was no way to just assume he would be. "I... um... lost a patient last night," he finally told her through another long release of breath.
Tab nodded a little as she listened, her eyes still on her brother. She hadn't asked him anything, hadn't even really tried to talk to him since she picked him up. She'd chosen the pub from having been here a few weeks ago with Elliot. The two of them had gone on a mini-bender while Riley and Evie were expecting the twins, and Luke had been caught up with work. It had culminated in a noisy AC/DC jam session that may have gotten them into a little trouble with a sleep deprived and pregnant sister-in-law, but she'd made up for it since then with her supreme aunty skills.
She really did think Riley's funk had been to do with Aiden, and Pat, but now she wasn't so sure. He'd lost patients before but none of them had sent her brother into this much of a depression before. Maybe it was just the fact that it had been the same night his best friend had come into the hospital, but her twin senses were tingling, and she just wanted to know the deal. "I'm sorry, beanpole," she murmured.
"I'm not," Riley found falling out of his mouth before he could stop and he put a hand up to cover it for a few moments. But he soon let it drop back onto the bar heavily and picked up the first shot, throwing it back with ease. He didn't stop there, though. All four shots soon suffered the same fate, and he was waving down the barman for refills. The absinthe burned going down, stinging the back of his nose and causing him to cough a little and tear up from the strength of it. It was only just after lunch, probably way too early for heavy liquor, but the day had melted into the night and was repeated the process all over again. Riley didn't know what time it was, and he didn't care, either.
Tab blinked, frowning a little as she ignored her own shot. Since she was still the one driving, she couldn't afford to get pissed. Even sober she had still had an accident all those months ago. In fact, it had to be a least a year ago, or more, and so much had changed. She gripped Riley's hand tightly and tilted her head as she arched an eyebrow and made sure his shots weren't about to come back up, and all over the bar. "Why not?"
Riley rested his elbow on the bar and put his head in his hand. His palm was squished up against his nose at first, but he pushed it up, fingers once again scraping through the front of his hair. He peered at her from under his hand. "Because I hate him." It sounded even harsh to his ears as he said it. He never was sure in his life he was capable of hating anyone, and had tried not to let that emotion grow inside him. But it was true, the words were completely honest as the were verbalised. He gave a slight, humourless laugh and put his face into his hands, fighting the urge to pick up one of the glasses and throw it at the wall. "A fucking waste... it's all been for nothing."
Tab's eyebrows went up as a shudder ran down her spine and she tried not to outwardly react to it. She'd never heard her brother talk like this about anyone, not since... Something clicked, and her lips curled back in a fierce sneer as she all but growled. "It was him, wasn't it? It was that fucking HIV-riddled shit bag! The bastard that pricked you... Fuck. If he hadn't died, I would have fucking killed him myself."
The barman was still busy, so Riley picked up his pint and took a long drink of it. Anything that was booze would be fine. Strangely now, the whole event was a haze, like it had been some bad dream. He couldn't remember all the finer details, or exactly what he had done. But what if he hadn't deliberately done enough? The tox report aside, the guy was a hardened drug addict, this couldn't have been the first time he took a hit of meth like that, right? Maybe Riley really did kill him? The thought sent a cold shiver through him and his skin pricked with goosebumps. Was it really possible to subsconciously kill someone? Could he even be capable of that? By the time he even got to the patient, he was tired following the heavy resus with Aiden. At one point, Riley had actually been close to knelt over Pat's husband keeping his heart pumping until it became evident he would need a trachy. After that, had he just lost his compassion for the drug addict? Was it even possible to feel compassion for someone who gave you a death sentence? "He OD'ed. The time in jail, the rehab... all that fucking bullshit," he spat, "what was supposed to be punishment for what he did to me. For fucking nothing!"
Tab huffed out a breath as she tried to get her own anger under control. She could feel Riley's radiating out from him, her own blood starting to boil in response. She finally glanced down at her shot of tequila and knocked it back in one go. She was tempted to call Luke now to tell him she wasn't going to drive home because she wanted to get just as wiped as her brother. But she didn't. She just waited until the barman could take their orders so she could get a Coke. "You think it's nothing because he came in after an overdose, or because he's dead and now there's nothing to show for it? Riley, I hate to be Devil's Advocate, but he was a drug addict. How many of them actually stay clean after being down so low for so long? As far as I'm concerned he should have died in the first place. At least now he won't have a chance to fuck anyone else over. And he is dead... It's a pretty major punishment as far as things go."
Riley was almost shaking as he tried to fight off the anger. His hands were tremoring, so he just wrapped them both about the glass of beer. He had to bite down on the inside of his lip to try and stop himself just exploding irrationally. Tab wasn't the one to be angry at, she did nothing wrong, she had copped his misdirected anger far too much in the past, and this was what he hated about the whole fucking horrible scenario. He soon, ironically, tasted blood from the intensity of the bite, and cursed under his breath, picking up a napkin to hold it against his lip. He waved his hand a little at his twin. "Don't share any of my glasses," he mumbled, pulling his own production line closer to him so she didn't pick any up by mistake. He checked the napkin, finding bright blood there and he just shook his head. "I just... I-I needed some fucking hope that this was just for some purpose. To get him locked up, rehab, maybe turn his life around. I could cope as long as I thought there was a chance he'd clean up, not risk anyone else. Not that he can risk anyone else dead," he said with a small, wry snort. Before he realised what was happening, tears were trickling down his cheeks, but he just let them come. "B-But he was there, lying in front of me arresting and I... didn't want to save him. I was scared to even touch him, but there was no one else. And I just... I... I don't know if I did enough to save him. I don't think I wanted to. Maybe I'm a murderer... no better than him at all. Right now I just hate myself. I never, ever wanted to hate a patient so much I didn't care, but I did, and being a doctor just... what's the point?" he finally ended with a harsh bite to his words.
Tab's anger shifted, and she felt a sudden surge of sadness as she watched Riley, tears building up in her own eyes. She blinked, and they spilled over down her cheeks. She didn't care, she also made sure to take note of which glasses were Riley's. She wasn't going to ignore his order when it came to risking his HIV. She knew he was beyond cautious about that. He was always scared of hurting someone, even if she was sure Evie had taken it in and just acted like half the stuff was second nature to her. She watched her brother, and his wife, and just knew he really was in good hands. Just right now he was back in hers, and she rubbed her hand against his back as she rest her head on his shoulder to try and comfort him. Not that there was much comfort to give right then. Tab was internally floundering with what to tell him. She wad glad the needle prick was dead, that he wouldn't be an issue in their lives any more, but she also understood what Riley was saying. What was the point if the jerk couldn't even get clean? "You'll always be better than him, beanpole. Always. Look at what you've managed to do. You got married, you had fucking twins! Two beautiful kids despite everything. You were happy in your job, you weren't letting the HIV get the best of you. You were rising above it. Don't let him pull it all undone again, okay? Just don't. I know it sucks, and I know your head's going to keep playing tricks on you for a while, but just... You would have done your best. I know you, Riley. Being a doctor's the only thing you've ever wanted to be, and even with a massive dick splash like him on your table, you would have done anything in your power to save him. It only seems like you haven't because you're wondering what it was all for just to have him wind up dead in front of you." Tab took a breath, and glanced up at him from under her fringe. "How many people have you saved? How many lives have you changed for the better? How many babies have you just brought into the world? There's plenty of point."
Riley came to rest his forehead in his hands again. He sat like that for a long while, quiet, not even really sure he could find more words. "I'm just... so tired." He didn't know how else to explain it. It wasn't lack of sleep, it was that exhausting weight he had managed to shrug off in the past few months. But now it was back. "Angry," he had to add, feeling it still bubbling under the surface. At least he wasn't trying to bottle it all up, though. He had an awareness somewhere that this time, he went to Tab for help, even if there wasn't a specific way she could help but just be with him. The first time, it ended in disaster and for a split second, he had wanted to take his own life. Still had the scars to tell the tale. "I don't feel like I can cope right now. It's just brought it all to the forefront. That ticking stop watch on my life... the pills... the sickness... the fucking condoms..." His hand gripped tightly around the napkin, his knuckles turning white.
Tab shifted, practically kneeling on top of her stool so she was more level with her brother as she enveloped him in a hug, her head resting on his back as she held him tightly. She pulled her mouth to the side as she tried to think of something that would stop her from crying, but her heart was breaking for her twin, a sudden exhaustion threatening to drag her down with him. She and Riley had never had the same level of twin ESP that the Prestons did, or other identical twins, but they had definitely always been connected. And when emotions were heightened there was no denying that they seemed to pick up easily on each other's moods. "You don't always need to cope..." she murmured so only he could hear. "You got me, you got Evie... you got a whole family now to take the weight. I know it's hard, I know it's wearing you thin, but we need you to keep taking those pills because I'd rather you alive than dead. You just need to find something inside to give you the strength to keep going, but it's okay to just need to... slow down. Just don't stop, okay? Never stop..." Her own mind went to when Riley had tried to take his own life in a moment of desperation, and she'd be lying if she didn't admit she was scared the same thing could happen again.
Riley couldn't help it. He just gave into it all and started to cry. At least it seemed to release some of that coiled tension inside him. His arms hugged around Tab's as he just accepted the hug. He needed it probably more than anything right then. He was thankful now that they didn't choose The Bondi to get drunk at. He didn't care about the odd random loner or the friendly looking barman seeing him lose it, but Luke's bar would just have made him feel more exposed and more like he wanted to hide. This had turned into one of those days where he just couldn't easily accept he was Positive. It was like some bad dream he was watching play out in a movie, how could it possibly be his life? He knew some days were bad, the days where the infection took it's toll and made him ill, gave him a fever, brought him down. But even recently with his support group, he had been able to cope with that and let the HIV sit in the back of his mind, not right at the front where it ruled him. Now it was the opposite. He felt like it was a ball and chain shackled around his feet making it hard to cope with anything. "How am I going to do any of this? Evie doesn't need this. She doesn't. It was supposed to be both of us doing this, but I... I can't. I can't face it. I know I got back up before, but what if I can't do it again? I don't know if I have the energy anymore."
"She needs you, beanpole. Just you. Haven't you even worked that out yet? Has she ever once said she couldn't handle this? Couldn't handle you, HIV and all? If she wanted to run, she had her chance when you got the test results back." Tab kept a hold of her brother, closing her eyes against the tears she knew were there. "She's stayed through all of it. She's helped through all of it, and hasn't complained once. She loves you, Riley. She loves you more than I thought any woman could, and she's more than deserving of being your wife, and the mother to your kids. She's your One. Then get her to life you up. Ask her... Let her know you need it. Or I'll bloody give you a shove up the arse myself. You're a Dad. A fucking father. You got those gorgeous twins to think about. Cat'll more than scream if her Dad's not around. She's already starting to be Daddy's Little Girl."
"I know... I know..." Riley said quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper as he tried to sniffle and pushed away the tears with the palm of his hand. They just kept coming, though. He was running on empty and no sleep. It was taking it's toll. "And I wish I could just use that to shove all the shit away and say hey, shit happens. But I can't. I'm trying, but it's taking more effort trying to tap into those feelings than it is to try and stop myself smashing someone in the face right now. I know all of that, and it's not lost on me. It's just not going to erase the bad shit, it's not going to make me well. I feel like it's swallowing me up and I don't know how to fight it. It's like I'm right back there at square one and I just... don't know how to fix it. I want to turn it off, and be able to head home and act like none of it even bothers me, but I'm not that strong. I need help," he admitted through a small gasp. It was a shock for him to admit that. He never managed to admit it when he first got the diagnosis, so at least there was some small plus here.
Tab pulled back enough to look at his face, and brushed her fingers through her brother's hair before kissing his forehead. "Then we'll get you help, big bro. We'll get you anything you need. Including more drinks, and you know what? It's okay to go home when things aren't all sunshiney. It's okay to go home without the puppies, and rainbows, and fluffy bunny bullshit. No one expects you to just act like a fucking Stepford Riley. They expect you to just be... you. However you feel. It's okay to drown sometimes, just so long as you let someone to stick you on a floaty to keep you going until you're strong enough to tread water again. It's okay to be angry, and sad, and tired. It's okay, Riley..."
Riley had to laugh, even if it just came out sounding more like a congested cough than anything else. He needed a smoke, and he was already fishing around in the pocket of his jacket to find his pack. "I've got weird images of you trying to wrestle me into floaties now. It's not pretty," he decided with a hint of a smirk. His eyes and cheeks were still damp, and he still felt like he got hit by the Shit Bus, but if he didn't chill just a little he was going to explode and he didn't want to land in hospital with a breakdown or worse. The last thing he wanted to deal with was another psych examination. He'd rather stick to the psychologist he knew... hell, he might even offload to Lachlan. They might be good mates, but at least he knew where he stood with him. His hands were shaking, but he managed to light up the smoke, putting it to his lips and hoping the nicotine would do what it was supposed to do. "I feel like I'm letting her down."
Tab huffed out a breath as she grinned, unable to deny her mental imagery was just as amusing to her. She ruffled her brother's unruly curls affectionately, and kissed his temple. "I can't help it if you'd be massively uncoordinated, and give me no help at all." She fell quiet again, and when the barman finally came over she ordered for them both, still managing to order a Coke for herself, and not something stronger, even if she did want it. Riley's smoking had never bothered her, so she didn't move away when he lit up. "How?"
Riley picked up the fresh shot of something clear. It could be tequila or vodka, but he really didn't care either way. He kept the cigarette balanced between his shaking fingers as he threw the shot back, squeezing his eyes shut. Tequila, and it was burning going down. The burn was good, though. Reminded him that he wasn't the one lying on a cold slab in the morgue. He could feel a deep worry in his gut settle about Pat and Aiden too now that the booze was kicking in. There was a chance Aiden might not recover. He could have post-surgery complications. That was the downside to being a doctor and treating someone you knew and loved, part of your family. You knew the good, the bad, and the ugly of the prognosis. He hadn't heard anything of how the surgery went, but the surgeons were dabbling with an extremely sensitive part of the body. One wrong move, and Aiden's spinal cord could be damaged, his vocal cords, the nerves leading to all his senses. If the glass cut any higher, it would have hit the carotid artery and Aiden would have bled to death before Pat even regained consciousness to save him. Pat would have known that, and to be trapped in a car with your husband almost bleeding to death... Riley just couldn't even fathom. This whole ordeal could be so taxing on Pat, it could fuck with his MS, maybe even causing permanent damage. It was only a matter of waiting on the outcome. Riley was hoping Aiden's surgery would be a success and with plastic surgery to repair what would normally be horrific scars on his throat, he would walk away with barely a scratch once he healed. "We're supposed to be in this together. I promised her we would be when we got married, when we agreed to the IVF, when we realised we were having twins. I told her I would be there for her no matter what and we would do it all together, the whole way. Now I'm not even sure that once I go to bed, I'm gonna want to get up in the morning. I'm not gonna just check out of them, of course I'm not. But I... I don't want them affected by this."
Tab sat there and frowned, trying to come up with some kind of sisterly pearl of wisdom. She was hardly on expert on relationships. It had taken Luke to get her to realise they weren't all that bad, and she wasn't going to wake up in an exploded mess of guts if she did fall in love, and get married. In fact, she'd proposed to him. Part of her wished he was here just so she could ask him what to say. The other part was already planning on going home to him, and seeking comfort sex. She was missing him terribly right in that moment. "Riley, I know you promised, and that's okay... But how were you supposed to see this in your future? Evie will understand. All you ever really need to do is take one day at a time. And if you can't get out of bed tomorrow, you'll both deal with it somehow. It's not like she's alone, anyway. There's still me and Luke around when we can be. She might even need to call Emma and get her help. I know she and Josh will be at the hospital, but sometimes sisterly duties come first."
Riley sighed and shook his head. "Maybe once they know Aiden's okay, but with Cameron out of action and Isabel with her hands full with her twins, Pat could really use Josh and Emma's help. I can't get hold of Harri, I keep getting her voicemail. If anything happens to Aiden in that surgery..." He wet his lips, checking his phone again in case he had somehow miraculously missed it ringing right in front of him. The screen was blank, though. "I just wish she'd call. I was there, I know what happened, how he was when he was moved to surgery. I should be the one to tell her. But I don't have the energy to keep waiting for her to call back. I've asked Lachlan to talk to her if I can't. Better that than hearing it from a stranger." When he took the shots this time, it was slower. He could already feel the alcohol going to his head, making him feel woozy. "We... should probably head home. If I'm going to pass out, I don't want it to be on a bar or in a gutter. I just... I wanna go home."
Tab looped her arm around her brother's waist to support him, even if she was a lot smaller than him. She wouldn't let him fall over if she could help it. They were still sitting though, so she picked up her Coke with her free hand and worked on downing it in quickly. "She'll call. Once she hears that voicemail there's no way she wouldn't. Harri will probably work it out for herself, too. She's a smart cookie, and what other reason would you be calling? You know what they say about no news being good news... Alright, so no Josh and Emma. Looks like it's all on me and Luke. But then he should be at the hospital with Aiden... Shit, does he know?"
Riley did stumble a little when he got up off the bar stool, but it was more the exhaustion and being on his feet all night than the booze. He waved the barman down, pulling some notes out of his wallet and chucking them onto the bar. "Give me a couple of bottle of beers to go, dude," he requested tiredly, and then downed the last of his lined up shots. The cigarette was still hanging out the corner of his mouth, he wasn't ready to give that up yet. "Work what out? I didn't tell her anything. I just told her to call me because it was urgent. I don't tell anyone anything on voicemail. Never have, and never will. There could be loads of reasons I'm calling. I'm her doctor, I'm her kid's doctor, half her family is in Princeton. I don't know. Does he? I've only got one mouth, you know," he mumbled, collecting the beer bottles when they were brought over. He shoved one into the pocket of his jacket and kept the other one in his hand. He wasn't nearly drunk enough yet.
Tab waved her thanks to the barman as she kept a hold of Riley. If her twin brother was getting drunk, then she definitely wasn't letting go. Thankfully the car wasn't too far away, so it wasn't like they had to do a lot of walking. "Yeah, but come on... Her main family is Aiden. They're like brother and sister. Or sister and sister. But see? You are all those things. Who else is Harri going to trust if you just stop being her doctor, and her kid's doctor. She doesn't seem like she trusts very easily and she trusted you... even knowing the HIV thing. I don't know, I only just found out from you online! I called Luke, but got his voicemail, and when I called the bar some dude I didn't know picked up and rambled on about Luke being busy before just hanging up on me without taking a fucking message. Wanker." Tab couldn't help but start to laugh. "I don't know, I've heard your other mouth speak. It can be pretty fucking loud after you've had eggs."
Riley winced slightly at the HIV disclaimer. So nice to have a patient trust him despite it. Not many people at the hospital actually knew he had it. Some tried to deduce it, considering he returned to PPTH after his long term absence sporting a MedicAlert bracelet, but it was only his superiors who knew. Part of him wondered if he could trust some of the more devious gossips not to belt him over the head and knock him out to have a reason to look at the bracelet. "Could've been about Cameron. They used to fuck, did fuck when Harri was pregnant. His arse should be the only fucking one in a hospital bed right now. I'm all for twin closeness and sibling rivalry, but Pat's taking it a bit far..." he joked and then gave a small snort when there was absolutely no humour behind it and he just stood there for a moment, putting a hand over his face to try and maintain the little composure he was hanging onto. "You should call him... go see him... something. I'll get a cab home. He's one of Aiden's closest friends, he should know. And for the record, I don't make a habit of farting on friends or family of my patients either."
"Just twin sisters that don't really deserve the biological hazard known as your arse all over them," Tab replied with a small smirk. She rubbed her hand against Riley's back. "No, it's okay. I'll drop you home then go find him. I just want to make sure you get in okay. Maybe even just give Evie a little bit of warning. She'll be waking up to three babies when your hangover kicks in. C'mon, beanpole, I said I'd look after you. Luke's still got at least another hour of his shift, and it doesn't take us that long to get home. You're right though, it could have been a call about Cameron, but I don't think so. Still can't believe they fucked while she was pregnant, but given how Evie kept wanting your arse while she was knocked up, I'm not that surprised."
"You chose to share a womb with me, you get to put up with the good, the bad, and the ugly," Riley returned, looking over at the door and wondering how he was even going to have the energy to walk there. He drew in a breath, trying to pull his shoulders back, but they seemed set on remaining slumped. No thinking, just one foot in front of the other and he'd eventually make it to the car. "I'll talk to her... try to talk to her... it's getting hazy already. I feel like I could sleep for a month. I don't think Cameron felt so smart about it when he was done. It was weird for him, knowing it was James' kid in there after everything that went down. He's taken it in his stride, though. I think he's going to be a good father. As much as I hate to say this, I'm so glad she's not still pregnant right now. I don't even want to think about sex."
"I didn't choose! I got no say in the womb sharing, beanpole. You crashed in on my womb. I would have been all happy without you in there." For a moment she smiled, but then it faltered and she shook her head. "No, I wouldn't have been. I'd be lost without my big brother, farts and all. That's why you can't leave me. You don't get to check out on me. You can sleep, just so long as you wake up again. I'm sure Evie will listen whenever you're ready to talk. She's pretty good like that. It would be super weird! I couldn't do it... I mean, I know sometimes people just wind up single and pregnant, or whatever, but shagging the ex of the ex that your ex slept with? No way." Tab looked at her brother with a slight smirk as she patted his arm. "I don't think she does either, just so you don't feel so bad."
Riley could feel that sick, weak feeling set in and he closed his eyes briefly, letting out a slow breath. "Well, I'm glad I crashed in on it, because I can't do this on my own, squirt. I just can't," he mumbled, his hand finding hers with a tight grip like he never wanted to let go.
Words: 5920
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Co-written with pullmysteth
[Follows THIS and THIS]
At the bar of a quiet little, cosy pub in a back street of Princeton, Riley had somewhat of a production line going in front of him. First there was his cell phone in case Harri called him back, then there was his stethoscope which he had absentmindedly left hanging around his throat when he left the hospital, then there was the peanut bowl which he had no appetite for touching, then there was a pint of beer followed by four shots containing different spirits ending in Absinthe for a heavy and hard hit that he decided he needed. At the end of it, his hand rested on the bar beside his twin sister's. He had been mostly silent since she picked him up from PPTH. Outwardly, the events of the night had well caught up with him. His face was pale and he had heavy dark smudges under his eyes that emphasised the way he was blinking slowly as he contemplated the yet untouched booze in front of him. He hadn't eaten since the evening before, so he could be about to enter interesting territory, but he couldn't find it in him to care. His lips were dry and his shoulders slumped, his curly hair unruly from the amount of times he had threaded his fingers through it over the night.
With a small exhalation, he cleared his throat and moved his hand to wrap his fingers around Tab's hand, giving it a small squeeze, reminding himself that he wasn't alone and he didn't need to be. With what happened just a few short hours before, the whole HIV thing had been shoved abruptly to the forefront of his mind. It always felt like he was back to square one, but was fighting not to quite get there because he knew how bad it had been. He had a wife and children now to think about. He couldn't fall off the wagon because they needed him, even if he felt like he was teetering on the edge of it. Dr Cuddy had requested a meeting with him after she had heard about some damage to equipment in the morgue. Riley had blankly and numbly told her what happened, not lying and not hedging any of it. She understood, and admitted to him that she probably would have expected him to react a lot worse. Then she congratulated him on keeping his head and professionalism to do all he could for the patient, and to head the emergency with the duel-casualty car accident involving Nurse Preston. Riley had just watched her blankly, lacking emotion, and nodding when he needed to. Her praise went unheard considering the circumstances. At the end of the meeting, as she suggested he take the rest of his paternity leave without being on call and to see the staff counsellor for debrief, Riley requested extended leave on medical grounds. As he signed the forms, there was a disconcerting feeling that he really might not return to being a doctor again. It just made him feel sick inside. He never wanted to doubt his skills as a doctor, and ever since he got attacked, it had always been there. Maybe it really had been a mistake going back?
He could feel Tab's eyes on him, but he was quiet still for a few more moments. She didn't know. She just thought he was taking Pat and Aiden's accident really hard, and he was. It was just another thing to compound and he was so tired. He was still waiting to hear if Aiden was out of danger. Until he heard, there was no way to just assume he would be. "I... um... lost a patient last night," he finally told her through another long release of breath.
Tab nodded a little as she listened, her eyes still on her brother. She hadn't asked him anything, hadn't even really tried to talk to him since she picked him up. She'd chosen the pub from having been here a few weeks ago with Elliot. The two of them had gone on a mini-bender while Riley and Evie were expecting the twins, and Luke had been caught up with work. It had culminated in a noisy AC/DC jam session that may have gotten them into a little trouble with a sleep deprived and pregnant sister-in-law, but she'd made up for it since then with her supreme aunty skills.
She really did think Riley's funk had been to do with Aiden, and Pat, but now she wasn't so sure. He'd lost patients before but none of them had sent her brother into this much of a depression before. Maybe it was just the fact that it had been the same night his best friend had come into the hospital, but her twin senses were tingling, and she just wanted to know the deal. "I'm sorry, beanpole," she murmured.
"I'm not," Riley found falling out of his mouth before he could stop and he put a hand up to cover it for a few moments. But he soon let it drop back onto the bar heavily and picked up the first shot, throwing it back with ease. He didn't stop there, though. All four shots soon suffered the same fate, and he was waving down the barman for refills. The absinthe burned going down, stinging the back of his nose and causing him to cough a little and tear up from the strength of it. It was only just after lunch, probably way too early for heavy liquor, but the day had melted into the night and was repeated the process all over again. Riley didn't know what time it was, and he didn't care, either.
Tab blinked, frowning a little as she ignored her own shot. Since she was still the one driving, she couldn't afford to get pissed. Even sober she had still had an accident all those months ago. In fact, it had to be a least a year ago, or more, and so much had changed. She gripped Riley's hand tightly and tilted her head as she arched an eyebrow and made sure his shots weren't about to come back up, and all over the bar. "Why not?"
Riley rested his elbow on the bar and put his head in his hand. His palm was squished up against his nose at first, but he pushed it up, fingers once again scraping through the front of his hair. He peered at her from under his hand. "Because I hate him." It sounded even harsh to his ears as he said it. He never was sure in his life he was capable of hating anyone, and had tried not to let that emotion grow inside him. But it was true, the words were completely honest as the were verbalised. He gave a slight, humourless laugh and put his face into his hands, fighting the urge to pick up one of the glasses and throw it at the wall. "A fucking waste... it's all been for nothing."
Tab's eyebrows went up as a shudder ran down her spine and she tried not to outwardly react to it. She'd never heard her brother talk like this about anyone, not since... Something clicked, and her lips curled back in a fierce sneer as she all but growled. "It was him, wasn't it? It was that fucking HIV-riddled shit bag! The bastard that pricked you... Fuck. If he hadn't died, I would have fucking killed him myself."
The barman was still busy, so Riley picked up his pint and took a long drink of it. Anything that was booze would be fine. Strangely now, the whole event was a haze, like it had been some bad dream. He couldn't remember all the finer details, or exactly what he had done. But what if he hadn't deliberately done enough? The tox report aside, the guy was a hardened drug addict, this couldn't have been the first time he took a hit of meth like that, right? Maybe Riley really did kill him? The thought sent a cold shiver through him and his skin pricked with goosebumps. Was it really possible to subsconciously kill someone? Could he even be capable of that? By the time he even got to the patient, he was tired following the heavy resus with Aiden. At one point, Riley had actually been close to knelt over Pat's husband keeping his heart pumping until it became evident he would need a trachy. After that, had he just lost his compassion for the drug addict? Was it even possible to feel compassion for someone who gave you a death sentence? "He OD'ed. The time in jail, the rehab... all that fucking bullshit," he spat, "what was supposed to be punishment for what he did to me. For fucking nothing!"
Tab huffed out a breath as she tried to get her own anger under control. She could feel Riley's radiating out from him, her own blood starting to boil in response. She finally glanced down at her shot of tequila and knocked it back in one go. She was tempted to call Luke now to tell him she wasn't going to drive home because she wanted to get just as wiped as her brother. But she didn't. She just waited until the barman could take their orders so she could get a Coke. "You think it's nothing because he came in after an overdose, or because he's dead and now there's nothing to show for it? Riley, I hate to be Devil's Advocate, but he was a drug addict. How many of them actually stay clean after being down so low for so long? As far as I'm concerned he should have died in the first place. At least now he won't have a chance to fuck anyone else over. And he is dead... It's a pretty major punishment as far as things go."
Riley was almost shaking as he tried to fight off the anger. His hands were tremoring, so he just wrapped them both about the glass of beer. He had to bite down on the inside of his lip to try and stop himself just exploding irrationally. Tab wasn't the one to be angry at, she did nothing wrong, she had copped his misdirected anger far too much in the past, and this was what he hated about the whole fucking horrible scenario. He soon, ironically, tasted blood from the intensity of the bite, and cursed under his breath, picking up a napkin to hold it against his lip. He waved his hand a little at his twin. "Don't share any of my glasses," he mumbled, pulling his own production line closer to him so she didn't pick any up by mistake. He checked the napkin, finding bright blood there and he just shook his head. "I just... I-I needed some fucking hope that this was just for some purpose. To get him locked up, rehab, maybe turn his life around. I could cope as long as I thought there was a chance he'd clean up, not risk anyone else. Not that he can risk anyone else dead," he said with a small, wry snort. Before he realised what was happening, tears were trickling down his cheeks, but he just let them come. "B-But he was there, lying in front of me arresting and I... didn't want to save him. I was scared to even touch him, but there was no one else. And I just... I... I don't know if I did enough to save him. I don't think I wanted to. Maybe I'm a murderer... no better than him at all. Right now I just hate myself. I never, ever wanted to hate a patient so much I didn't care, but I did, and being a doctor just... what's the point?" he finally ended with a harsh bite to his words.
Tab's anger shifted, and she felt a sudden surge of sadness as she watched Riley, tears building up in her own eyes. She blinked, and they spilled over down her cheeks. She didn't care, she also made sure to take note of which glasses were Riley's. She wasn't going to ignore his order when it came to risking his HIV. She knew he was beyond cautious about that. He was always scared of hurting someone, even if she was sure Evie had taken it in and just acted like half the stuff was second nature to her. She watched her brother, and his wife, and just knew he really was in good hands. Just right now he was back in hers, and she rubbed her hand against his back as she rest her head on his shoulder to try and comfort him. Not that there was much comfort to give right then. Tab was internally floundering with what to tell him. She wad glad the needle prick was dead, that he wouldn't be an issue in their lives any more, but she also understood what Riley was saying. What was the point if the jerk couldn't even get clean? "You'll always be better than him, beanpole. Always. Look at what you've managed to do. You got married, you had fucking twins! Two beautiful kids despite everything. You were happy in your job, you weren't letting the HIV get the best of you. You were rising above it. Don't let him pull it all undone again, okay? Just don't. I know it sucks, and I know your head's going to keep playing tricks on you for a while, but just... You would have done your best. I know you, Riley. Being a doctor's the only thing you've ever wanted to be, and even with a massive dick splash like him on your table, you would have done anything in your power to save him. It only seems like you haven't because you're wondering what it was all for just to have him wind up dead in front of you." Tab took a breath, and glanced up at him from under her fringe. "How many people have you saved? How many lives have you changed for the better? How many babies have you just brought into the world? There's plenty of point."
Riley came to rest his forehead in his hands again. He sat like that for a long while, quiet, not even really sure he could find more words. "I'm just... so tired." He didn't know how else to explain it. It wasn't lack of sleep, it was that exhausting weight he had managed to shrug off in the past few months. But now it was back. "Angry," he had to add, feeling it still bubbling under the surface. At least he wasn't trying to bottle it all up, though. He had an awareness somewhere that this time, he went to Tab for help, even if there wasn't a specific way she could help but just be with him. The first time, it ended in disaster and for a split second, he had wanted to take his own life. Still had the scars to tell the tale. "I don't feel like I can cope right now. It's just brought it all to the forefront. That ticking stop watch on my life... the pills... the sickness... the fucking condoms..." His hand gripped tightly around the napkin, his knuckles turning white.
Tab shifted, practically kneeling on top of her stool so she was more level with her brother as she enveloped him in a hug, her head resting on his back as she held him tightly. She pulled her mouth to the side as she tried to think of something that would stop her from crying, but her heart was breaking for her twin, a sudden exhaustion threatening to drag her down with him. She and Riley had never had the same level of twin ESP that the Prestons did, or other identical twins, but they had definitely always been connected. And when emotions were heightened there was no denying that they seemed to pick up easily on each other's moods. "You don't always need to cope..." she murmured so only he could hear. "You got me, you got Evie... you got a whole family now to take the weight. I know it's hard, I know it's wearing you thin, but we need you to keep taking those pills because I'd rather you alive than dead. You just need to find something inside to give you the strength to keep going, but it's okay to just need to... slow down. Just don't stop, okay? Never stop..." Her own mind went to when Riley had tried to take his own life in a moment of desperation, and she'd be lying if she didn't admit she was scared the same thing could happen again.
Riley couldn't help it. He just gave into it all and started to cry. At least it seemed to release some of that coiled tension inside him. His arms hugged around Tab's as he just accepted the hug. He needed it probably more than anything right then. He was thankful now that they didn't choose The Bondi to get drunk at. He didn't care about the odd random loner or the friendly looking barman seeing him lose it, but Luke's bar would just have made him feel more exposed and more like he wanted to hide. This had turned into one of those days where he just couldn't easily accept he was Positive. It was like some bad dream he was watching play out in a movie, how could it possibly be his life? He knew some days were bad, the days where the infection took it's toll and made him ill, gave him a fever, brought him down. But even recently with his support group, he had been able to cope with that and let the HIV sit in the back of his mind, not right at the front where it ruled him. Now it was the opposite. He felt like it was a ball and chain shackled around his feet making it hard to cope with anything. "How am I going to do any of this? Evie doesn't need this. She doesn't. It was supposed to be both of us doing this, but I... I can't. I can't face it. I know I got back up before, but what if I can't do it again? I don't know if I have the energy anymore."
"She needs you, beanpole. Just you. Haven't you even worked that out yet? Has she ever once said she couldn't handle this? Couldn't handle you, HIV and all? If she wanted to run, she had her chance when you got the test results back." Tab kept a hold of her brother, closing her eyes against the tears she knew were there. "She's stayed through all of it. She's helped through all of it, and hasn't complained once. She loves you, Riley. She loves you more than I thought any woman could, and she's more than deserving of being your wife, and the mother to your kids. She's your One. Then get her to life you up. Ask her... Let her know you need it. Or I'll bloody give you a shove up the arse myself. You're a Dad. A fucking father. You got those gorgeous twins to think about. Cat'll more than scream if her Dad's not around. She's already starting to be Daddy's Little Girl."
"I know... I know..." Riley said quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper as he tried to sniffle and pushed away the tears with the palm of his hand. They just kept coming, though. He was running on empty and no sleep. It was taking it's toll. "And I wish I could just use that to shove all the shit away and say hey, shit happens. But I can't. I'm trying, but it's taking more effort trying to tap into those feelings than it is to try and stop myself smashing someone in the face right now. I know all of that, and it's not lost on me. It's just not going to erase the bad shit, it's not going to make me well. I feel like it's swallowing me up and I don't know how to fight it. It's like I'm right back there at square one and I just... don't know how to fix it. I want to turn it off, and be able to head home and act like none of it even bothers me, but I'm not that strong. I need help," he admitted through a small gasp. It was a shock for him to admit that. He never managed to admit it when he first got the diagnosis, so at least there was some small plus here.
Tab pulled back enough to look at his face, and brushed her fingers through her brother's hair before kissing his forehead. "Then we'll get you help, big bro. We'll get you anything you need. Including more drinks, and you know what? It's okay to go home when things aren't all sunshiney. It's okay to go home without the puppies, and rainbows, and fluffy bunny bullshit. No one expects you to just act like a fucking Stepford Riley. They expect you to just be... you. However you feel. It's okay to drown sometimes, just so long as you let someone to stick you on a floaty to keep you going until you're strong enough to tread water again. It's okay to be angry, and sad, and tired. It's okay, Riley..."
Riley had to laugh, even if it just came out sounding more like a congested cough than anything else. He needed a smoke, and he was already fishing around in the pocket of his jacket to find his pack. "I've got weird images of you trying to wrestle me into floaties now. It's not pretty," he decided with a hint of a smirk. His eyes and cheeks were still damp, and he still felt like he got hit by the Shit Bus, but if he didn't chill just a little he was going to explode and he didn't want to land in hospital with a breakdown or worse. The last thing he wanted to deal with was another psych examination. He'd rather stick to the psychologist he knew... hell, he might even offload to Lachlan. They might be good mates, but at least he knew where he stood with him. His hands were shaking, but he managed to light up the smoke, putting it to his lips and hoping the nicotine would do what it was supposed to do. "I feel like I'm letting her down."
Tab huffed out a breath as she grinned, unable to deny her mental imagery was just as amusing to her. She ruffled her brother's unruly curls affectionately, and kissed his temple. "I can't help it if you'd be massively uncoordinated, and give me no help at all." She fell quiet again, and when the barman finally came over she ordered for them both, still managing to order a Coke for herself, and not something stronger, even if she did want it. Riley's smoking had never bothered her, so she didn't move away when he lit up. "How?"
Riley picked up the fresh shot of something clear. It could be tequila or vodka, but he really didn't care either way. He kept the cigarette balanced between his shaking fingers as he threw the shot back, squeezing his eyes shut. Tequila, and it was burning going down. The burn was good, though. Reminded him that he wasn't the one lying on a cold slab in the morgue. He could feel a deep worry in his gut settle about Pat and Aiden too now that the booze was kicking in. There was a chance Aiden might not recover. He could have post-surgery complications. That was the downside to being a doctor and treating someone you knew and loved, part of your family. You knew the good, the bad, and the ugly of the prognosis. He hadn't heard anything of how the surgery went, but the surgeons were dabbling with an extremely sensitive part of the body. One wrong move, and Aiden's spinal cord could be damaged, his vocal cords, the nerves leading to all his senses. If the glass cut any higher, it would have hit the carotid artery and Aiden would have bled to death before Pat even regained consciousness to save him. Pat would have known that, and to be trapped in a car with your husband almost bleeding to death... Riley just couldn't even fathom. This whole ordeal could be so taxing on Pat, it could fuck with his MS, maybe even causing permanent damage. It was only a matter of waiting on the outcome. Riley was hoping Aiden's surgery would be a success and with plastic surgery to repair what would normally be horrific scars on his throat, he would walk away with barely a scratch once he healed. "We're supposed to be in this together. I promised her we would be when we got married, when we agreed to the IVF, when we realised we were having twins. I told her I would be there for her no matter what and we would do it all together, the whole way. Now I'm not even sure that once I go to bed, I'm gonna want to get up in the morning. I'm not gonna just check out of them, of course I'm not. But I... I don't want them affected by this."
Tab sat there and frowned, trying to come up with some kind of sisterly pearl of wisdom. She was hardly on expert on relationships. It had taken Luke to get her to realise they weren't all that bad, and she wasn't going to wake up in an exploded mess of guts if she did fall in love, and get married. In fact, she'd proposed to him. Part of her wished he was here just so she could ask him what to say. The other part was already planning on going home to him, and seeking comfort sex. She was missing him terribly right in that moment. "Riley, I know you promised, and that's okay... But how were you supposed to see this in your future? Evie will understand. All you ever really need to do is take one day at a time. And if you can't get out of bed tomorrow, you'll both deal with it somehow. It's not like she's alone, anyway. There's still me and Luke around when we can be. She might even need to call Emma and get her help. I know she and Josh will be at the hospital, but sometimes sisterly duties come first."
Riley sighed and shook his head. "Maybe once they know Aiden's okay, but with Cameron out of action and Isabel with her hands full with her twins, Pat could really use Josh and Emma's help. I can't get hold of Harri, I keep getting her voicemail. If anything happens to Aiden in that surgery..." He wet his lips, checking his phone again in case he had somehow miraculously missed it ringing right in front of him. The screen was blank, though. "I just wish she'd call. I was there, I know what happened, how he was when he was moved to surgery. I should be the one to tell her. But I don't have the energy to keep waiting for her to call back. I've asked Lachlan to talk to her if I can't. Better that than hearing it from a stranger." When he took the shots this time, it was slower. He could already feel the alcohol going to his head, making him feel woozy. "We... should probably head home. If I'm going to pass out, I don't want it to be on a bar or in a gutter. I just... I wanna go home."
Tab looped her arm around her brother's waist to support him, even if she was a lot smaller than him. She wouldn't let him fall over if she could help it. They were still sitting though, so she picked up her Coke with her free hand and worked on downing it in quickly. "She'll call. Once she hears that voicemail there's no way she wouldn't. Harri will probably work it out for herself, too. She's a smart cookie, and what other reason would you be calling? You know what they say about no news being good news... Alright, so no Josh and Emma. Looks like it's all on me and Luke. But then he should be at the hospital with Aiden... Shit, does he know?"
Riley did stumble a little when he got up off the bar stool, but it was more the exhaustion and being on his feet all night than the booze. He waved the barman down, pulling some notes out of his wallet and chucking them onto the bar. "Give me a couple of bottle of beers to go, dude," he requested tiredly, and then downed the last of his lined up shots. The cigarette was still hanging out the corner of his mouth, he wasn't ready to give that up yet. "Work what out? I didn't tell her anything. I just told her to call me because it was urgent. I don't tell anyone anything on voicemail. Never have, and never will. There could be loads of reasons I'm calling. I'm her doctor, I'm her kid's doctor, half her family is in Princeton. I don't know. Does he? I've only got one mouth, you know," he mumbled, collecting the beer bottles when they were brought over. He shoved one into the pocket of his jacket and kept the other one in his hand. He wasn't nearly drunk enough yet.
Tab waved her thanks to the barman as she kept a hold of Riley. If her twin brother was getting drunk, then she definitely wasn't letting go. Thankfully the car wasn't too far away, so it wasn't like they had to do a lot of walking. "Yeah, but come on... Her main family is Aiden. They're like brother and sister. Or sister and sister. But see? You are all those things. Who else is Harri going to trust if you just stop being her doctor, and her kid's doctor. She doesn't seem like she trusts very easily and she trusted you... even knowing the HIV thing. I don't know, I only just found out from you online! I called Luke, but got his voicemail, and when I called the bar some dude I didn't know picked up and rambled on about Luke being busy before just hanging up on me without taking a fucking message. Wanker." Tab couldn't help but start to laugh. "I don't know, I've heard your other mouth speak. It can be pretty fucking loud after you've had eggs."
Riley winced slightly at the HIV disclaimer. So nice to have a patient trust him despite it. Not many people at the hospital actually knew he had it. Some tried to deduce it, considering he returned to PPTH after his long term absence sporting a MedicAlert bracelet, but it was only his superiors who knew. Part of him wondered if he could trust some of the more devious gossips not to belt him over the head and knock him out to have a reason to look at the bracelet. "Could've been about Cameron. They used to fuck, did fuck when Harri was pregnant. His arse should be the only fucking one in a hospital bed right now. I'm all for twin closeness and sibling rivalry, but Pat's taking it a bit far..." he joked and then gave a small snort when there was absolutely no humour behind it and he just stood there for a moment, putting a hand over his face to try and maintain the little composure he was hanging onto. "You should call him... go see him... something. I'll get a cab home. He's one of Aiden's closest friends, he should know. And for the record, I don't make a habit of farting on friends or family of my patients either."
"Just twin sisters that don't really deserve the biological hazard known as your arse all over them," Tab replied with a small smirk. She rubbed her hand against Riley's back. "No, it's okay. I'll drop you home then go find him. I just want to make sure you get in okay. Maybe even just give Evie a little bit of warning. She'll be waking up to three babies when your hangover kicks in. C'mon, beanpole, I said I'd look after you. Luke's still got at least another hour of his shift, and it doesn't take us that long to get home. You're right though, it could have been a call about Cameron, but I don't think so. Still can't believe they fucked while she was pregnant, but given how Evie kept wanting your arse while she was knocked up, I'm not that surprised."
"You chose to share a womb with me, you get to put up with the good, the bad, and the ugly," Riley returned, looking over at the door and wondering how he was even going to have the energy to walk there. He drew in a breath, trying to pull his shoulders back, but they seemed set on remaining slumped. No thinking, just one foot in front of the other and he'd eventually make it to the car. "I'll talk to her... try to talk to her... it's getting hazy already. I feel like I could sleep for a month. I don't think Cameron felt so smart about it when he was done. It was weird for him, knowing it was James' kid in there after everything that went down. He's taken it in his stride, though. I think he's going to be a good father. As much as I hate to say this, I'm so glad she's not still pregnant right now. I don't even want to think about sex."
"I didn't choose! I got no say in the womb sharing, beanpole. You crashed in on my womb. I would have been all happy without you in there." For a moment she smiled, but then it faltered and she shook her head. "No, I wouldn't have been. I'd be lost without my big brother, farts and all. That's why you can't leave me. You don't get to check out on me. You can sleep, just so long as you wake up again. I'm sure Evie will listen whenever you're ready to talk. She's pretty good like that. It would be super weird! I couldn't do it... I mean, I know sometimes people just wind up single and pregnant, or whatever, but shagging the ex of the ex that your ex slept with? No way." Tab looked at her brother with a slight smirk as she patted his arm. "I don't think she does either, just so you don't feel so bad."
Riley could feel that sick, weak feeling set in and he closed his eyes briefly, letting out a slow breath. "Well, I'm glad I crashed in on it, because I can't do this on my own, squirt. I just can't," he mumbled, his hand finding hers with a tight grip like he never wanted to let go.
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