just_muse_me - 3.9.1 REM
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
[Co-written with pullmysteth]
Tab couldn't sleep. Or more importantly she wouldn't sleep. She just kept by Riley's side and tried to make sure he had everything he needed. And when Lachlan was taking care of Riley she just sat quietly nearby and watched her brother. She still had no idea what to do, or how to help him. She didn't know if she was smothering him, or being annoying. Or maybe she wasn't being there enough for him. She didn't know how she could physically be there more for him without just stitching herself to his side.
But that would no doubt involve blood, and she didn't need Riley freaking out about her getting infected.
She entered the kitchen as she stifled a yawn and watched Riley finish swallowing his first lot of meds down before she moved to a cupboard and tried to find something high in sugar and preferable in cereal form. She was also fighting the urge to ask him the world's most annoying question during times of crisis:
Are you okay?
There was a neat little row of orange bottles now lining the wall beside the kettle. Four pills four times a day initially. But there were other drugs that he might be trialled on eventually when his body got used to the daily substances. Less pills, perhaps.
He put the half-empty glass of water down on the bench and braced his hands on the surface to lean forward with a heavy sigh. "I will be," he murmured, feeling the question just from the look on Tab's face.
"I'm sorry, I didn't meant to--" Tab looked back at the cupboards and focused on her search for cereal. Surely Riley had something she could eat.
Riley's eyes fell closed. "Tab, please. Don't apologise. If everything else changes, I need you to not go weird on me. Scared, hurt, worried... yeah, of course. Just don't think you need to treat me differently." He lifted his head tiredly. "Please," he whispered.
Tab forgot about her search for sugar as she moved over to Riley and hugged him. She'd managed not to cry since that first outburst on the front steps, but she still feel weak, and she still felt helpless. How was she supposed to be strong for Riley when she had no idea what the fuck she was doing? "I just don't think now's the right time for a wedgie."
"No, maybe later," Riley murmured and hugged her against his chest. "Are you okay? Honest answers only, please, or I'll draw a moustache on you in your sleep."
"I could pull off a moustache, you know. It'd be good for whenever I have a terribly cunning plan that needs to be carried out." While Tab could make a joke, she had yet to be able to smile. "And no, I'm not okay."
"Since when do you need a moustache for that?" Riley teased, though there was no real humour behind it as he intended there to be.
He pushed off the bench he'd been using to hold himself up on and wrapped her in yet another hug. "Me either," he admitted. "I feel like something inside me has been sucked out and I don't know where to find it again. But you're here, which helps. But don't worry, I won't freak out this time and not want you to leave. I know you'll have to go home soon."
"My real home is wherever you are, beanpole," Tab whispered. "I can be here if you need me to. Benny can cope without me, and Luke can... I'll call him. Eventually. If you want me to stay, I'll stay."
Riley went to answer; to offer some big brother reassurance about telephones and two hour drives to New York. At least, that was the intention. He even drew the breath to start speaking but it caught in his throat and he started to cry all over again, his face buried in against her shoulder as he just clung to her.
Tab hugged him back with all the strength of her petite frame as she balanced on the tips of her toes. She stroked the back of his head and made soft noises of comfort. "I'll stay," she whispered. "For a week, I'll stay. New York will just have to survive without me."
"I'm sorry," Riley said tearfully. He pulled back, wiping helplessly at his eyes. "What the hell is crying every time I have a conversation going to help? Fuck. Why did this have to happen?" He had an urge to grab the pill bottles and throw them against the wall, but he didn't want to scare Tab.
Tab reached up to help brush his tears away. "Because the powers that be have a habit of fucking up. And you're crying because you need an outlet. This is a huge thing, Big Bro. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed, and you're allowed to grieve, and you're allowed to cry. You know I won't ever judge you."
Riley held his hand up and gave a short, blank laugh. "I don't know what I'm supposed to. Do I tell people? Do I think about quitting my job? Do I tell Mum and Dad?" He pointed to the pills. "I have to try and remember to take these four fucking times a day. But, of course I won't forget because if I forget, I die. 'Just take it easy while your body gets used to them'," he mimicked the doctor. "What the hell? What the fucking hell?!"
Tab frowned as she watched Riley. "Why would you quit your job? I thought being positive was manageable? What will you do if you're not a doctor? Will they fire you for being positive? Mum and Dad can go fuck themselves. You don't need them. And you're not allowed to die and leave me here," she finished with a gentle shove to his chest. "You hear me, arse pain? You better take those fucking pills, and you better get used to the idea that you're going to live."
Riley realised on some level he was trying to process everything all at once and getting nowhere. An uncontrollable stream of tears kept trickling down his cheeks and he leaned heavily back against the counter again. "I don't know," he whimpered. "They can't sack me but maybe it’s just safer for me to leave? Would anyone want a doctor who was HIV positive? Would you want one touching your kids?"
He pushed his fingers up through his hair. "You don't think I should tell them? They probably won't care, but I'm sick. I have a disease. Shouldn't I tell them?" His eyes turned to the pills again and felt a slight sense that he was about to hyperventilate. "I don't want to be sick."
Tab could understand Riley being upset. She could understand the shock, and the denial, but she couldn't let him just give in. She wondered if he even understood just how much she needed him to be strong, and deal with this. Deal with the fact that he was sick, and that his life wasn't going to be the same again.
Then she figured if this happened to her, she wouldn't be any better at dealing with this than Riley. Part of her questioned if she'd cave under the pressure. "I can't answer that, beanpole. I'm biased. I'm your sister, and I still want you touching me no matter what. But I guess if I was a parent, and I didn't know you... then probably not."
"I don't think they earned the right to be our parents, and be kept informed about our lives. It's your choice to tell them, or not. I just know that Mother Superior won't think it's 'cool' unless you turn out gay and she can go become an activist for something, or other and make a big deal about it." Tab took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "I know, Riley. I know. You're not alone though, okay? You've got me, and you've got Lachlan and Tara, and you've got... have you got Evie? Luke even said he'd be there for you, too. Well, us."
Riley just felt sick at Tab's honest opinion about his ability as a doctor now. He put his hand over his mouth and then bent over the sink to get a drink of water directly from the tap. The excess water dripped down his throat, cooling his skin again and setting him off into another wave of shivers, but he ignored it. He didn't have to tell any of his patients he was HIV. In fact, he didn't have to tell his colleagues either. He had to inform his employers only to have it on his file, but the Infectious Diseases doctor had revealed there were no less than three other doctors in the hospital who were positive. Confidentiality was clearly top-notch. He suddenly felt selfish and deceitful for wanting to keep the illness to himself. Didn't his workmates and patients deserve to know what he was?
What he was? He felt like a different species. A mutant or a cyborg that didn't fit in. Shame flooded through him but he didn't know why. It was nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't his fault. He didn't even have the mistake of unsafe sex to blame for it. Just a freak accident and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And why did he feel so sick?
"Evie." The word came out like it was coupled with someone punching him in the gut. "Oh my god."
Tab gripped his arm and looked at him. "You're a brilliant doctor, Big Bro. You shouldn't let this shit interfere with that. Me, personally, would still let you treat me. You did great when you looked after me before with the crash. It's not different. You know what precautions to take, right?"
She pulled her mouth to the side and studied Riley. "You're going to give up on her?"
"It's safe," Riley had to reluctantly admit. "It's all about protecting from infection. It's just blood..." Unless he made a habit of bleeding on the patients or sleeping with them, he was less risk to a patient than someone with a strep throat was. But why did he still feel like a criminal?
"I... no... I..." he stammered, fumbling for an answer in his head. "I don't know..." He put his hands over his wet face again. "I don't know!"
"So keep being a doctor. Keep doing what you love. This isn't something that can stop you being the same fucking fantastic Riley Browne you've always been. It just means you have to not bleed on people."
Tab hushed him and rubbed her hands up and down his arms. "Alright. We won't worry about that now. I think Lachlan talked to her, anyway. Don't think about anything except the next five minutes, and then the five minutes after that, and the five minutes after that..."
Riley let her words wash through his mind and soothe the onslaught of confusing thoughts that had been working to try and drown him since he read those results. He finally looked at her sadly and rested his forehead against hers. "You should call your... your... sax boyfriend type person. I-I'll be okay. Five minutes I can do. Maybe ten minutes before Lachlan calls again," he said with a small smile. "And fifteen before Tara's Mum shows up with enough food to feed an army."
He closed his eyes. "Shit... goddamn it," he mumbled numbly.
"I love you, Big Bro. I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm here. I'd make the call in front of you, but I don't know if I'm going to be embarrassing and girly." She looked at him, and exhaled a shaky breath. "And twenty before you and me hang out on the couch and eat all that food while talking shit."
"You and me against the world, beanpole. This doesn't change that."
Riley smiled faintly and waved his hand. "You eat it. I'll watch." His eyes dipped down a little to the pendant around her neck. "Diamonds in a guitar. Interesting."
Tab's fingers reflexively went to the pendant that Luke had given her. "You don't like it?"
"It's lovely," Riley murmured. "Very poignant," he added with a tired smile.
"I got it just for being me," she told him with a small smile. "Will you try and get some sleep?"
"You deserve the world for just being you, squirt," Riley said quietly. He let out a slow breath and pushed the pills into a neat little collection under the window. "Soon. After a shower. I don't know if these will make me sick or what. You can call him, you know. I don't want you to cut yourself off. That's the last thing I want."
"I'll call him while you take a shower, but if you need me just yell. I said I'd call him, and I will. But I want to know you'll be okay for ten minutes." Tab missed Luke, but Riley was her brother. He would always be her first priority. "And I don't deserve the world. I just deserve you, and Benny, and Luke. And my guitar."
Riley drew her in to another hug and kissed her forehead. "What you can survive with and what you deserve for just being you are two different things, squirt." That post-freak out heaviness was setting into his muscles again and felt like just curling up in a ball with the covers over his head and not coming out. "I'll be okay. You can even take all the sharp pointy things out of the bathroom. I promise, I'll be okay. Maybe not perfect, but I'm standing, so it’s all cool."
Tab wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back. She still didn't think she deserved anything special, but she didn't argue with Riley. "Alright. I'll come check up on you when I'm off the phone. For all I know I'll get his voicemail anyway. I'd call Benny, but I think he's gone native with that nurse."
"I can't believe Benny is sleeping with a nurse," Riley said as he scratched his head. His hand moved down to rub the back of his neck. "Do you want me to leave the door open a little?" he offered. He was okay, but he couldn't blame anyone for being petrified he would freak out at any turn.
"You say sleeping with, I say camping out and about to declare colonisation." Tab moved away to give him some space and gave a shake of her head. "I trust you, beanpole. I'll just barge in later."
Riley raised an eyebrow but then just looked down, shaking his head with a smile. "Just make a lot of noise on your way in, though, so I have a chance to grab a towel."
Tab's face finally broke out into a genuine smile. "You'll think a herd of elephants are on their way in."
Riley's smile faltered a little and he hugged her again. "I love you, squirt," he murmured and then gave her hand a squeeze. "I promise I won't get carried away singing and drown myself."
Tabitha London Browne [asinthecity] & Riley Browne [pullmysteth]
Original Character
Words: 466
Luke Jackson [notskywalker], Evie Miller [imnodoctor], Benny Taylor [prvdsrhythm] and Lachlan Campbell [drcampbell], Tara Brennan-Campbell [doctortara] & Jules Bailey [naughtynrse] used with mun permission.
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
[Co-written with pullmysteth]
Tab couldn't sleep. Or more importantly she wouldn't sleep. She just kept by Riley's side and tried to make sure he had everything he needed. And when Lachlan was taking care of Riley she just sat quietly nearby and watched her brother. She still had no idea what to do, or how to help him. She didn't know if she was smothering him, or being annoying. Or maybe she wasn't being there enough for him. She didn't know how she could physically be there more for him without just stitching herself to his side.
But that would no doubt involve blood, and she didn't need Riley freaking out about her getting infected.
She entered the kitchen as she stifled a yawn and watched Riley finish swallowing his first lot of meds down before she moved to a cupboard and tried to find something high in sugar and preferable in cereal form. She was also fighting the urge to ask him the world's most annoying question during times of crisis:
Are you okay?
There was a neat little row of orange bottles now lining the wall beside the kettle. Four pills four times a day initially. But there were other drugs that he might be trialled on eventually when his body got used to the daily substances. Less pills, perhaps.
He put the half-empty glass of water down on the bench and braced his hands on the surface to lean forward with a heavy sigh. "I will be," he murmured, feeling the question just from the look on Tab's face.
"I'm sorry, I didn't meant to--" Tab looked back at the cupboards and focused on her search for cereal. Surely Riley had something she could eat.
Riley's eyes fell closed. "Tab, please. Don't apologise. If everything else changes, I need you to not go weird on me. Scared, hurt, worried... yeah, of course. Just don't think you need to treat me differently." He lifted his head tiredly. "Please," he whispered.
Tab forgot about her search for sugar as she moved over to Riley and hugged him. She'd managed not to cry since that first outburst on the front steps, but she still feel weak, and she still felt helpless. How was she supposed to be strong for Riley when she had no idea what the fuck she was doing? "I just don't think now's the right time for a wedgie."
"No, maybe later," Riley murmured and hugged her against his chest. "Are you okay? Honest answers only, please, or I'll draw a moustache on you in your sleep."
"I could pull off a moustache, you know. It'd be good for whenever I have a terribly cunning plan that needs to be carried out." While Tab could make a joke, she had yet to be able to smile. "And no, I'm not okay."
"Since when do you need a moustache for that?" Riley teased, though there was no real humour behind it as he intended there to be.
He pushed off the bench he'd been using to hold himself up on and wrapped her in yet another hug. "Me either," he admitted. "I feel like something inside me has been sucked out and I don't know where to find it again. But you're here, which helps. But don't worry, I won't freak out this time and not want you to leave. I know you'll have to go home soon."
"My real home is wherever you are, beanpole," Tab whispered. "I can be here if you need me to. Benny can cope without me, and Luke can... I'll call him. Eventually. If you want me to stay, I'll stay."
Riley went to answer; to offer some big brother reassurance about telephones and two hour drives to New York. At least, that was the intention. He even drew the breath to start speaking but it caught in his throat and he started to cry all over again, his face buried in against her shoulder as he just clung to her.
Tab hugged him back with all the strength of her petite frame as she balanced on the tips of her toes. She stroked the back of his head and made soft noises of comfort. "I'll stay," she whispered. "For a week, I'll stay. New York will just have to survive without me."
"I'm sorry," Riley said tearfully. He pulled back, wiping helplessly at his eyes. "What the hell is crying every time I have a conversation going to help? Fuck. Why did this have to happen?" He had an urge to grab the pill bottles and throw them against the wall, but he didn't want to scare Tab.
Tab reached up to help brush his tears away. "Because the powers that be have a habit of fucking up. And you're crying because you need an outlet. This is a huge thing, Big Bro. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed, and you're allowed to grieve, and you're allowed to cry. You know I won't ever judge you."
Riley held his hand up and gave a short, blank laugh. "I don't know what I'm supposed to. Do I tell people? Do I think about quitting my job? Do I tell Mum and Dad?" He pointed to the pills. "I have to try and remember to take these four fucking times a day. But, of course I won't forget because if I forget, I die. 'Just take it easy while your body gets used to them'," he mimicked the doctor. "What the hell? What the fucking hell?!"
Tab frowned as she watched Riley. "Why would you quit your job? I thought being positive was manageable? What will you do if you're not a doctor? Will they fire you for being positive? Mum and Dad can go fuck themselves. You don't need them. And you're not allowed to die and leave me here," she finished with a gentle shove to his chest. "You hear me, arse pain? You better take those fucking pills, and you better get used to the idea that you're going to live."
Riley realised on some level he was trying to process everything all at once and getting nowhere. An uncontrollable stream of tears kept trickling down his cheeks and he leaned heavily back against the counter again. "I don't know," he whimpered. "They can't sack me but maybe it’s just safer for me to leave? Would anyone want a doctor who was HIV positive? Would you want one touching your kids?"
He pushed his fingers up through his hair. "You don't think I should tell them? They probably won't care, but I'm sick. I have a disease. Shouldn't I tell them?" His eyes turned to the pills again and felt a slight sense that he was about to hyperventilate. "I don't want to be sick."
Tab could understand Riley being upset. She could understand the shock, and the denial, but she couldn't let him just give in. She wondered if he even understood just how much she needed him to be strong, and deal with this. Deal with the fact that he was sick, and that his life wasn't going to be the same again.
Then she figured if this happened to her, she wouldn't be any better at dealing with this than Riley. Part of her questioned if she'd cave under the pressure. "I can't answer that, beanpole. I'm biased. I'm your sister, and I still want you touching me no matter what. But I guess if I was a parent, and I didn't know you... then probably not."
"I don't think they earned the right to be our parents, and be kept informed about our lives. It's your choice to tell them, or not. I just know that Mother Superior won't think it's 'cool' unless you turn out gay and she can go become an activist for something, or other and make a big deal about it." Tab took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "I know, Riley. I know. You're not alone though, okay? You've got me, and you've got Lachlan and Tara, and you've got... have you got Evie? Luke even said he'd be there for you, too. Well, us."
Riley just felt sick at Tab's honest opinion about his ability as a doctor now. He put his hand over his mouth and then bent over the sink to get a drink of water directly from the tap. The excess water dripped down his throat, cooling his skin again and setting him off into another wave of shivers, but he ignored it. He didn't have to tell any of his patients he was HIV. In fact, he didn't have to tell his colleagues either. He had to inform his employers only to have it on his file, but the Infectious Diseases doctor had revealed there were no less than three other doctors in the hospital who were positive. Confidentiality was clearly top-notch. He suddenly felt selfish and deceitful for wanting to keep the illness to himself. Didn't his workmates and patients deserve to know what he was?
What he was? He felt like a different species. A mutant or a cyborg that didn't fit in. Shame flooded through him but he didn't know why. It was nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't his fault. He didn't even have the mistake of unsafe sex to blame for it. Just a freak accident and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And why did he feel so sick?
"Evie." The word came out like it was coupled with someone punching him in the gut. "Oh my god."
Tab gripped his arm and looked at him. "You're a brilliant doctor, Big Bro. You shouldn't let this shit interfere with that. Me, personally, would still let you treat me. You did great when you looked after me before with the crash. It's not different. You know what precautions to take, right?"
She pulled her mouth to the side and studied Riley. "You're going to give up on her?"
"It's safe," Riley had to reluctantly admit. "It's all about protecting from infection. It's just blood..." Unless he made a habit of bleeding on the patients or sleeping with them, he was less risk to a patient than someone with a strep throat was. But why did he still feel like a criminal?
"I... no... I..." he stammered, fumbling for an answer in his head. "I don't know..." He put his hands over his wet face again. "I don't know!"
"So keep being a doctor. Keep doing what you love. This isn't something that can stop you being the same fucking fantastic Riley Browne you've always been. It just means you have to not bleed on people."
Tab hushed him and rubbed her hands up and down his arms. "Alright. We won't worry about that now. I think Lachlan talked to her, anyway. Don't think about anything except the next five minutes, and then the five minutes after that, and the five minutes after that..."
Riley let her words wash through his mind and soothe the onslaught of confusing thoughts that had been working to try and drown him since he read those results. He finally looked at her sadly and rested his forehead against hers. "You should call your... your... sax boyfriend type person. I-I'll be okay. Five minutes I can do. Maybe ten minutes before Lachlan calls again," he said with a small smile. "And fifteen before Tara's Mum shows up with enough food to feed an army."
He closed his eyes. "Shit... goddamn it," he mumbled numbly.
"I love you, Big Bro. I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm here. I'd make the call in front of you, but I don't know if I'm going to be embarrassing and girly." She looked at him, and exhaled a shaky breath. "And twenty before you and me hang out on the couch and eat all that food while talking shit."
"You and me against the world, beanpole. This doesn't change that."
Riley smiled faintly and waved his hand. "You eat it. I'll watch." His eyes dipped down a little to the pendant around her neck. "Diamonds in a guitar. Interesting."
Tab's fingers reflexively went to the pendant that Luke had given her. "You don't like it?"
"It's lovely," Riley murmured. "Very poignant," he added with a tired smile.
"I got it just for being me," she told him with a small smile. "Will you try and get some sleep?"
"You deserve the world for just being you, squirt," Riley said quietly. He let out a slow breath and pushed the pills into a neat little collection under the window. "Soon. After a shower. I don't know if these will make me sick or what. You can call him, you know. I don't want you to cut yourself off. That's the last thing I want."
"I'll call him while you take a shower, but if you need me just yell. I said I'd call him, and I will. But I want to know you'll be okay for ten minutes." Tab missed Luke, but Riley was her brother. He would always be her first priority. "And I don't deserve the world. I just deserve you, and Benny, and Luke. And my guitar."
Riley drew her in to another hug and kissed her forehead. "What you can survive with and what you deserve for just being you are two different things, squirt." That post-freak out heaviness was setting into his muscles again and felt like just curling up in a ball with the covers over his head and not coming out. "I'll be okay. You can even take all the sharp pointy things out of the bathroom. I promise, I'll be okay. Maybe not perfect, but I'm standing, so it’s all cool."
Tab wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back. She still didn't think she deserved anything special, but she didn't argue with Riley. "Alright. I'll come check up on you when I'm off the phone. For all I know I'll get his voicemail anyway. I'd call Benny, but I think he's gone native with that nurse."
"I can't believe Benny is sleeping with a nurse," Riley said as he scratched his head. His hand moved down to rub the back of his neck. "Do you want me to leave the door open a little?" he offered. He was okay, but he couldn't blame anyone for being petrified he would freak out at any turn.
"You say sleeping with, I say camping out and about to declare colonisation." Tab moved away to give him some space and gave a shake of her head. "I trust you, beanpole. I'll just barge in later."
Riley raised an eyebrow but then just looked down, shaking his head with a smile. "Just make a lot of noise on your way in, though, so I have a chance to grab a towel."
Tab's face finally broke out into a genuine smile. "You'll think a herd of elephants are on their way in."
Riley's smile faltered a little and he hugged her again. "I love you, squirt," he murmured and then gave her hand a squeeze. "I promise I won't get carried away singing and drown myself."
Tabitha London Browne [asinthecity] & Riley Browne [pullmysteth]
Original Character
Words: 466
Luke Jackson [notskywalker], Evie Miller [imnodoctor], Benny Taylor [prvdsrhythm] and Lachlan Campbell [drcampbell], Tara Brennan-Campbell [doctortara] & Jules Bailey [naughtynrse] used with mun permission.