For on_thecouch - 3.2 Denial
So I’ve been thinking. I mean, you can’t not think, right? It’s such a fucking given, but I’ve been thinking about life, the universe, and everything. It’s so easy to be in denial about the bad stuff… but I think it’s just as easy to be in denial about the good stuff.
I don’t want my brother to have HIV, and it’s really scary seeing him all sick and weak and stuff, but I’m not in denial about it. I know that if he turns out to be positive then it’ll be hard, and I’ll need to adjust. But the thing about watching him and being with him is that sometimes I think he’s in denial about the fact that he might not have it. He seems to be ready to just accept that he’s positive and his life is coming to an end of sorts.
I don’t want him to lose hope, or to just not have it to begin with…
And I can’t really segue from my sick brother to the other thing that comes to mind when I think about denial. The only thing they have in common is denying the good things. I’ve missed my brother for three years. I’ve had this big hole in me that was barely getting filled by online chats and phone calls while he was in Scotland. And when he was gone, I think I found it hard to operate without him. He’s my twin, my other half…
He’s my big bro.
But then there was Walker. Well, Walker was before then… I’ve known him for years, you know? He’s been my best friend, and my hotness. But in those three years Riley was gone, he made his own hole and he stopped being just my best friend. We lived together and maybe we still shagged other people in that time but I spend more nights in his bed than mine. We were having a relationship without having a relationship.
I fell in love with him and I was in denial about it. I don’t do love. I love my brother and I love Benny like a brother but that’s it. I don’t do the bloody dating thing and I certainly don’t do boyfriends.
It’s why I couldn’t tell him when he asked… I could’ve ended this all a year ago and just told him then. I could’ve been honest with myself and him, and just… I’ve wasted so much time. I know it’s not just because Riley was gone that I felt this way. Walker is Walker.
He’s everything I ever wanted, but it took knowing Hot Stuff to realise it. And to maybe know that I am capable of being okay with just being with one person. Even if I was freaking the fuck out. I think maybe I was freaking the fuck out because I wasn’t supposed to feel that way about anyone else… Or maybe it was just because everything seemed to hit me at once.
I told Walker an outright lie in that Hot Stuff made me feel a way that Walker never had. I didn’t want him to know… I couldn’t tell him still. Then Elsa asked me to choose, and kept pushing and did this thing where she asked me if a Harry Potter fucking life, or death thing happened where one had to die so the other could live… who would die?
I didn’t want either of them to die, but if I really only could save one of them… It had to be Walker.
And I told him, but I had to tell him when Riley got sick… So much shit hitting the fan and I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, or supposed to do. I don’t know how he feels, I don’t know if I should be doing anything.
So I’m back in denial. I’m back to trying to be just his friend because I can’t be anything else until I know…
And I can’t be anywhere else while Riley’s still sick.
I don’t want to lose my brother, but how am I supposed to gain a… a lover at the same time?
Tabitha London Browne
Original Character
Words: 695
rckrbybaby, pullmysteth, prvdsrhythm, elsa_grey, allerdyce_john referred to with mun permission.