Writer's Block: Ah, Youth
I remember this like it was yesterday......
I was all of 13, young, pubescent, living in pizza face paradise and not a care in the world. My hobbies included baseball, sports card collecting and feeling awkward around girls. That spring/summer awakened something inside of me that I never knew existed. This thing was called an erection, or for the layman, a hard-on.
I would watch out the window until my mother had left for work, usually around 8am. My older brother was in high school and had already left for football practice, and since I lived within 15 minute walking distance of the school I had the house to myself.
Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions were readily available over the counter, and didnt involve fighting over ownership of with friends like porno mags did, so they were usually my material of choice. I could hide them in my brothers magazine section and not get in any trouble if found by my mother. There were times when the scantily clad images of Kathy Ireland and Denise Richards wouldn't do the job. These drastic times called for drastic measures as it were.
I had a fort in my backyard that my grandfather had built years earlier out of plywood and his whisky breath. There was a thin gap between the floor of it and the ground, which I think to this day he left for this very reason, it made the perfect hiding spot for my small porn collection. Hustler, Swank, Club selections that a good friend of mine would steal from his father all lived under there in various forms and degrees of filth.
So on this day I opted for a rather lurid copy of Swank from 1978. Complete with the bushiest of 70's porno bushes and articles about "things to use if you dont have lube". I headed back upstairs to the bathroom and proceeded to rub one out. After finishing I washed up, brushed my teeth and headed off to school. Now maybe I got lost thinking about the massive afro this particular model had around her vagina, or maybe I was concerned about the upcoming spelling test. Either way it took me until about halfway through the afternoon before it struck me: I LEFT THE PORN ON TOP OF THE LAUNDRY HAMPER!!
The final classes of my afternoon were a complete blur as all I could think and hope was that my brother would get home before mom, find the porn and stash it away somewhere. Not paying attention, compounded with getting in trouble the day before landed me in detention after school. There I was, writing lines with my entire, albeit short lived, masturbatory career about to fall to ruins.
I ran home at 4:30 to find my brother there already. I ran up the stairs, looked in the bathroom and it was gone! I asked my brother if he had found a magazine there and he said no. I told him what had happened and his jaw dropped, at which time he reminded me that it was friday, and mom comes home for lunch on fridays. My stomach dropped into my shoes. I went upstairs and there was the muddy, not so swank edition of Swank, sitting on my parents dresser.
Mom and Dad were home shortly after, I ate dinner in dead silence, knowing the shoe was about to drop. After dinner my brother scurried off pretty quick at which time I was called into the living room to sit down with my mother. She confronted me with the magazine and broke into tears.
Now I should say that I wasn't raised in a prudish, religious household. My father is an old pervert to this day and as I get older the humourous stories of him and my mothers "courtship" are slowly coming to the surface. So my father just sat in the background through all this with a wry look on his face.
My mother wasnt offended by me or what I was using the magazine for, she had gone through puberty already with my brother, but she was offended by the porn itself. She felt it was very offensive and degrading to women, and was concerned I'd view all women as just sex objects.
So as I sit here and watch my recording of the Victoria Secret fashion show and wait for my girlfriend to get home from work and dress up like a nurse I realize one thing, I should've stuck to the swimsuit edition.
Pun fully intended.
I was all of 13, young, pubescent, living in pizza face paradise and not a care in the world. My hobbies included baseball, sports card collecting and feeling awkward around girls. That spring/summer awakened something inside of me that I never knew existed. This thing was called an erection, or for the layman, a hard-on.
I would watch out the window until my mother had left for work, usually around 8am. My older brother was in high school and had already left for football practice, and since I lived within 15 minute walking distance of the school I had the house to myself.
Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions were readily available over the counter, and didnt involve fighting over ownership of with friends like porno mags did, so they were usually my material of choice. I could hide them in my brothers magazine section and not get in any trouble if found by my mother. There were times when the scantily clad images of Kathy Ireland and Denise Richards wouldn't do the job. These drastic times called for drastic measures as it were.
I had a fort in my backyard that my grandfather had built years earlier out of plywood and his whisky breath. There was a thin gap between the floor of it and the ground, which I think to this day he left for this very reason, it made the perfect hiding spot for my small porn collection. Hustler, Swank, Club selections that a good friend of mine would steal from his father all lived under there in various forms and degrees of filth.
So on this day I opted for a rather lurid copy of Swank from 1978. Complete with the bushiest of 70's porno bushes and articles about "things to use if you dont have lube". I headed back upstairs to the bathroom and proceeded to rub one out. After finishing I washed up, brushed my teeth and headed off to school. Now maybe I got lost thinking about the massive afro this particular model had around her vagina, or maybe I was concerned about the upcoming spelling test. Either way it took me until about halfway through the afternoon before it struck me: I LEFT THE PORN ON TOP OF THE LAUNDRY HAMPER!!
The final classes of my afternoon were a complete blur as all I could think and hope was that my brother would get home before mom, find the porn and stash it away somewhere. Not paying attention, compounded with getting in trouble the day before landed me in detention after school. There I was, writing lines with my entire, albeit short lived, masturbatory career about to fall to ruins.
I ran home at 4:30 to find my brother there already. I ran up the stairs, looked in the bathroom and it was gone! I asked my brother if he had found a magazine there and he said no. I told him what had happened and his jaw dropped, at which time he reminded me that it was friday, and mom comes home for lunch on fridays. My stomach dropped into my shoes. I went upstairs and there was the muddy, not so swank edition of Swank, sitting on my parents dresser.
Mom and Dad were home shortly after, I ate dinner in dead silence, knowing the shoe was about to drop. After dinner my brother scurried off pretty quick at which time I was called into the living room to sit down with my mother. She confronted me with the magazine and broke into tears.
Now I should say that I wasn't raised in a prudish, religious household. My father is an old pervert to this day and as I get older the humourous stories of him and my mothers "courtship" are slowly coming to the surface. So my father just sat in the background through all this with a wry look on his face.
My mother wasnt offended by me or what I was using the magazine for, she had gone through puberty already with my brother, but she was offended by the porn itself. She felt it was very offensive and degrading to women, and was concerned I'd view all women as just sex objects.
So as I sit here and watch my recording of the Victoria Secret fashion show and wait for my girlfriend to get home from work and dress up like a nurse I realize one thing, I should've stuck to the swimsuit edition.
Pun fully intended.