not a happy blog - as seen on myspace
I am just getting so fed up with all of this bullshit. My mother was in the hospital because she had a seizure, she's had more since then, turns out she's allergic to the anti-seizure medication they gave her, and not only did she lose her job over this, but unless they can figure out how to prevent more seizures, she's going to lose her driver's license. She's been leaning on me so much during all of this, but I know as soon as she doesn't need me anymore she's going to turn on me again. It's been like that my whole life, and she's been sick my whole life so this isn't exactly something new, she just happens to be not in remission right now from her lupus. I'm doing what I have to, to help her, b/c it has to be done, but I don't expect a damn thing in return. My own goddamn mother and I know she'll never be able to help me through anything in my life. She apparently doesn't even remember when I told her those few years ago that I miscarried Jeff's child. And even when I reminded her, she broke down and cried, but it was for herself, for the pain she'd gone through before, not for me. When people hurt me, she gets depressed over it, and cries, but it isn't for me. She wants so much from me, and expects it.... But I will never be granted anything in return.
It seems to me that most of the relationships in my life are like that. My friends and what could be called lovers (but are usually just douchebags)... People seem to need all this help, and want my sympathy and advice and help.... But when I'm in need... I get some kind words, maybe a hug. But I can tell there's very little feeling behind it. Like it's obligatory, but most people wish I'd just keep my problems to myself and let them have their peaceful stress-free days. I can feel it, when I open up to someone, that they don't know what to say or do, and they wish I'd just stop... So yeah, on occasion I can be selfish, because well, when in Rome....
I need to get out of here for a while, I need to stop feeling this way about everyone in my life. Every single one of them has let me down, at one point or another.... I always have tried my hardest for everyone I care for, but when I'm in need, I guess for others the effort just isn't worth it.
Right now my mother is supposedly trying to pull some of her weight in our neighbourhood to get me an office job in a low level gov't office - township, park district, the like.... My grandad used to be fire chief, and so my family knows a lot of people. I don't, but they do... They want my grandad to come back to work for the village now, on the zoning board... He's 74 years old and they still want him to work, b/c they fucked everything up. There is no love lost between my grandfather and I, but even I acknowledge that that's a little much. The man can barely walk, he's starting Alzheimer's, and honestly I don't really trust his opinion when it comes to public works. The man watches Fox News all day for crissake. Anyway... Whenever I do get this job, I'm probably going to give my grandparents my first few paychecks, b/c they won't get off my back about Victoria's two bus tickets.... I told them not to give me anything for xmas if they paid for her to come out here, but they refuse to do that... It was my idea, I invited her here... I arranged to get her here... She shouldn't have to pay these things, plus I don't even know when she'll be back now, and my grandparents don't want to wait any longer. I have to learn how to drive, and fast, because while I don't fancy the idea of going out and being around people for fun, I need to escape... I need to be able to go out when I get stir crazy. It's an odd predicament I'm in - I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be home... I don't want to date, but I don't want to be alone... And I hate myself for having feelings for someone that I don't think I've ever really had, and probably never will... It's been a farce that I've let myself believe in... And I still believe in it, because I'm an idiot, but there's no hope left.... Just the feelings and the pain... like with Jeff... It's all just like with Jeff. My own idiocy and false hope fooling me into thinking things are alright. And still I promise to try and help, to understand and accept despite what it does to me. But it never comes back my way, it's a gift from me that isn't met with an exchange.
I don't know now what to believe about anyone, whether I even want what anyone could give me, because it's always just taken away again. I don't want revenge, I don't want others to hurt like they hurt me, I just want to find some peace, to be okay with what happens. So I think I'm going to do what Sam advised, or at least attempt to, and just shut myself off for a while. No expectations of others, no hope of satisfaction in my life except that I give myself, and fall away into the aesthetic again, the ideals, the words and the beat... I know it never helps, ultimately... But for now, it works.
It seems to me that most of the relationships in my life are like that. My friends and what could be called lovers (but are usually just douchebags)... People seem to need all this help, and want my sympathy and advice and help.... But when I'm in need... I get some kind words, maybe a hug. But I can tell there's very little feeling behind it. Like it's obligatory, but most people wish I'd just keep my problems to myself and let them have their peaceful stress-free days. I can feel it, when I open up to someone, that they don't know what to say or do, and they wish I'd just stop... So yeah, on occasion I can be selfish, because well, when in Rome....
I need to get out of here for a while, I need to stop feeling this way about everyone in my life. Every single one of them has let me down, at one point or another.... I always have tried my hardest for everyone I care for, but when I'm in need, I guess for others the effort just isn't worth it.
Right now my mother is supposedly trying to pull some of her weight in our neighbourhood to get me an office job in a low level gov't office - township, park district, the like.... My grandad used to be fire chief, and so my family knows a lot of people. I don't, but they do... They want my grandad to come back to work for the village now, on the zoning board... He's 74 years old and they still want him to work, b/c they fucked everything up. There is no love lost between my grandfather and I, but even I acknowledge that that's a little much. The man can barely walk, he's starting Alzheimer's, and honestly I don't really trust his opinion when it comes to public works. The man watches Fox News all day for crissake. Anyway... Whenever I do get this job, I'm probably going to give my grandparents my first few paychecks, b/c they won't get off my back about Victoria's two bus tickets.... I told them not to give me anything for xmas if they paid for her to come out here, but they refuse to do that... It was my idea, I invited her here... I arranged to get her here... She shouldn't have to pay these things, plus I don't even know when she'll be back now, and my grandparents don't want to wait any longer. I have to learn how to drive, and fast, because while I don't fancy the idea of going out and being around people for fun, I need to escape... I need to be able to go out when I get stir crazy. It's an odd predicament I'm in - I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be home... I don't want to date, but I don't want to be alone... And I hate myself for having feelings for someone that I don't think I've ever really had, and probably never will... It's been a farce that I've let myself believe in... And I still believe in it, because I'm an idiot, but there's no hope left.... Just the feelings and the pain... like with Jeff... It's all just like with Jeff. My own idiocy and false hope fooling me into thinking things are alright. And still I promise to try and help, to understand and accept despite what it does to me. But it never comes back my way, it's a gift from me that isn't met with an exchange.
I don't know now what to believe about anyone, whether I even want what anyone could give me, because it's always just taken away again. I don't want revenge, I don't want others to hurt like they hurt me, I just want to find some peace, to be okay with what happens. So I think I'm going to do what Sam advised, or at least attempt to, and just shut myself off for a while. No expectations of others, no hope of satisfaction in my life except that I give myself, and fall away into the aesthetic again, the ideals, the words and the beat... I know it never helps, ultimately... But for now, it works.