Paris Hilton Sent Back To Prison: Santa Claus "Can't Top This," Cancels Christmas!
The hymen of her legal innocence officially broken a year ago, Paris Hilton has finally been effed in the A by the gigantic, merciless vibrator of Lady Justice in the firm and unyielding hands of the Superior Court of Los Angeles. Paris Euvagina Hilton has been sent back to prison, to carry out the remainder of her 40-day sentence in contradiction with L.A. Sheriff Lee Baca's decision to remand her to house arrest, which itself went against Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer's decision to force Hilton into jail for her full sentence. Having made a mockery of herself and the Justice System, the Justice System will now make a mockery of Paris and itself. Sheriff Lee Baca is expected to resign sometime next month over this incident and the Memorial Day "Melee" in MacArthur Park, if he doesn't choke on an obese prostitute or a pearl necklace in the coming weeks.
Many are seeing this as a new beginning, a new Independence Day in modern American life. It's not just a joyous day in the States, though. Millions of starving children in Bhutan, Ghana, Bolivia, Peru, and China have been seen filling the streets and screaming in emaciated joy. UN Relief worker Mary Monkstead explained, "For many children in these impoverished nations, the imprisonment of Paris Hilton was the only unbridled joy they have ever felt. In these places beset by rampant disease and a lack of potable drinking water, a celebutard getting comeuppance makes the horrific reality of life almost worthwhile. Things were almost back to normal yesterday when she was sent home for the house arrest, but today, today is almost too much. Many of these children will in fact die in the coming days from unrelenting happiness. For most, the screaming and laughing will make their lungs explode into their tragically distended bellies."
Despite the mass die-off of starving children expected after today's developments, life has become a little bit harder for holiday figure Santa Claus, who explained in a press release from the North Pole that he is in fact cancelling Christmas. As Claus' PR elf Half-Flack related in a news conference, "My client has decided that the sheer volume and longevity of the joy created by today's events will be unable to top, this Christmas or any other. One, maybe two years from now, we may think about bringing it back. But seriously. We took one look at the headlines, and Santa said, and these were his words, 'I got nothing. Game over, man.' That's where we stand officially for now."
A candlelight vigil for Paris is planned for 9pm on Sunday at Hollywood United Methodist Church on Franklin Avenue. A separate vigil for Hilton's pussy is yet to be planned, but is expected sometime down the line.
Many are seeing this as a new beginning, a new Independence Day in modern American life. It's not just a joyous day in the States, though. Millions of starving children in Bhutan, Ghana, Bolivia, Peru, and China have been seen filling the streets and screaming in emaciated joy. UN Relief worker Mary Monkstead explained, "For many children in these impoverished nations, the imprisonment of Paris Hilton was the only unbridled joy they have ever felt. In these places beset by rampant disease and a lack of potable drinking water, a celebutard getting comeuppance makes the horrific reality of life almost worthwhile. Things were almost back to normal yesterday when she was sent home for the house arrest, but today, today is almost too much. Many of these children will in fact die in the coming days from unrelenting happiness. For most, the screaming and laughing will make their lungs explode into their tragically distended bellies."
Despite the mass die-off of starving children expected after today's developments, life has become a little bit harder for holiday figure Santa Claus, who explained in a press release from the North Pole that he is in fact cancelling Christmas. As Claus' PR elf Half-Flack related in a news conference, "My client has decided that the sheer volume and longevity of the joy created by today's events will be unable to top, this Christmas or any other. One, maybe two years from now, we may think about bringing it back. But seriously. We took one look at the headlines, and Santa said, and these were his words, 'I got nothing. Game over, man.' That's where we stand officially for now."
A candlelight vigil for Paris is planned for 9pm on Sunday at Hollywood United Methodist Church on Franklin Avenue. A separate vigil for Hilton's pussy is yet to be planned, but is expected sometime down the line.