(no subject)
I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find myself here writing, yet again, another entry about you. I'm sure if people read this journal still, they would think I've gone mad.
Maybe you do.
I think I do.
Still, here I am. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't escape you. I don't think I really want to anyway.
Today I needed to clean up my computer, the one I never go on anymore because I have a much better laptop now, so I turned it on and started browsing some files. And that's when I found them. The folders. My AIM logs. So many of our conversations preserved right there, on my computer, for me to read. So many of our endless (and sometimes useless!) conversations, our fights, our laughers, our jokes, our love too, all there waiting for my eyes to see. Again. After so long.
Zac: ok my next favorite things
Zac: bed and you
Reading through them, I can't stop thinking about lost opportunities. About things we should have done, things I should have said. One of my deepest regret in life is not telling you sooner how hard I'd fallen for you. Maybe our lives would have turned out differently if I had. But I know you knew how much I loved you. And I knew that you loved me too, even when loving me was complicated. I adored you, body and soul and so much more. You were my anchor, the only solid thing in my life in the middle of college and growing up into adulthood. You were the one thing I could count on to always put a smile on my face.
Zac: i felt sick seeing you, you know, like nervous sick...i dont mean in a bad way
Zac: like butterflies in your stomach if that makes sense
In november 2004, you and I were probably the biggest idiots on the planet. You might not remember, but that month we saw each other, for the first time. Granted it was from a distance and we didn't talk, but still, it changed something between us. I think we both realized how easily things could change between us. I was ready for more, but I was also too late. And being late meant you took a step back in our relationship. And I do get it. I know you were scared of a lot of things back then. Of change, of this love we had. Of letting yourself be vulnerable and being hurt again after Kyle. You had Jen to love then, too. Regardless, I still believe that if you and I had met properly and done all the things we used to talk about, there would have been no going back, you would have been it for me. It's a scary thought, being so sure of something, but it's also comforting.
Zac: well maybe its good that we didnt meet, no broken hearts that way and you wouldnt fall in love with me like my little fan club!
I was already so in love with you by then though. There was nothing you could have said or done to change that. The way I felt when we talked, when we joked about nothing, when we fought about insignificant things and bickered like an old couple, it made me feel alive. I was never really confident, I didn't think I was pretty enough, or thin enough, or interesting enough. But with you, everything was different. You gave me confidence, made me feel funny, sexy and loved. And I blossomed under your care along the years. You set my soul on fire. You were the one who could break me into a million pieces and still put me back together. Back then I couldn't tell you in so many words, and I probably wasn't aware of it the way I am today though. Words were never good enough anyway. I could never describe the way I felt because simple words didn't even begin to cover it. And it never mattered to me that we fell for each other through a computer, or a phone, I loved you more fiercely than anyone before. I don't think I've loved anyone as fiercely as I loved you, even now. It was probably a bit scary to me back then. But I'm almost 31, and I'm not afraid anymore to own these feelings. I'm not afraid of you knowing how much you meant to me.
And it's probably a little bit sad.. Okay, maybe it's really, really sad how this still affects me today. It's funny because Francis and I broke up two years ago, and I was devastated, as anyone should have been after more than 6 years together. But I got over it a few months later. I can think about him without feeling nostalgic. I don't feel anything when I remember what we had. But you... Years later, well apparently I can't read any of our chats without crying at some point. I'm much more aware of what I lost when it comes to you, I think. I know now there will never be anyone like you. There was only ever you. You think I loved Kyle back then, hell i thought I loved him too, but Kyle was nothing compared to you. Kyle wasn't love. Kyle was a way to anchor myself to something while I was falling in love with you. I was scared of how much i felt for you and of you never feeling the same way. Kyle said things I wanted to hear, even if they were lies, and it was easier to hold on to that than making myself vulnerable with you and getting hurt so deeply I wouldn't be able to recover properly. But should you have asked me to, i would have picked you over him a thousand times over. I was young and foolish though, and ultimately it was what sealed the fate of the relationship you and I shared. Because you met Jen, and it was too late.
Doesn't change the fact that you and I were meant to find each other. I'd never believed in soulmates before I met you, but to this day, it's the only way I can describe you to anyone. Whether what we had was meant to stay platonic or not, the line between friendship and love got blurred along the way. I know a lot of it was confusing at the time, and we fought over it a lot because having you and losing you so soon afterwards was torture and I needed to keep it real any way I could. And usually it was by making a stupid ass comment about you being aloof or not saying something I wanted to hear. Which was so not the way to go obviously, because in the end, it's what drew you away. But I was young and didn't know better. There are a lot of things I'd change if I could. Bu no matter what though, our friendship was always the most important thing to both of us, and that's what made us special too.
Zac: i just like to lay and listen to you breathing
And I miss you. I really do. I miss our easy banter, our inside jokes, our shared love of music and tv shows, our bed dancing, our hatred for many many things. I miss our fights and our making up. I miss your crankiness, your geekyness, your obssession with ice, the stupid nicknames you called me. I miss falling asleep with you on the phone. God I even miss your stupid shallow breathing when we got up to no good on the phone. I miss the way you made me feel. Mostly I miss your voice, and your laugh ringing in my ear.
I don't think I'll ever stop missing you.
x Riddle xx: i love you
Zac: i love you too
Zac: <3
Maybe you do.
I think I do.
Still, here I am. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't escape you. I don't think I really want to anyway.
Today I needed to clean up my computer, the one I never go on anymore because I have a much better laptop now, so I turned it on and started browsing some files. And that's when I found them. The folders. My AIM logs. So many of our conversations preserved right there, on my computer, for me to read. So many of our endless (and sometimes useless!) conversations, our fights, our laughers, our jokes, our love too, all there waiting for my eyes to see. Again. After so long.
Zac: ok my next favorite things
Zac: bed and you
Reading through them, I can't stop thinking about lost opportunities. About things we should have done, things I should have said. One of my deepest regret in life is not telling you sooner how hard I'd fallen for you. Maybe our lives would have turned out differently if I had. But I know you knew how much I loved you. And I knew that you loved me too, even when loving me was complicated. I adored you, body and soul and so much more. You were my anchor, the only solid thing in my life in the middle of college and growing up into adulthood. You were the one thing I could count on to always put a smile on my face.
Zac: i felt sick seeing you, you know, like nervous sick...i dont mean in a bad way
Zac: like butterflies in your stomach if that makes sense
In november 2004, you and I were probably the biggest idiots on the planet. You might not remember, but that month we saw each other, for the first time. Granted it was from a distance and we didn't talk, but still, it changed something between us. I think we both realized how easily things could change between us. I was ready for more, but I was also too late. And being late meant you took a step back in our relationship. And I do get it. I know you were scared of a lot of things back then. Of change, of this love we had. Of letting yourself be vulnerable and being hurt again after Kyle. You had Jen to love then, too. Regardless, I still believe that if you and I had met properly and done all the things we used to talk about, there would have been no going back, you would have been it for me. It's a scary thought, being so sure of something, but it's also comforting.
Zac: well maybe its good that we didnt meet, no broken hearts that way and you wouldnt fall in love with me like my little fan club!
I was already so in love with you by then though. There was nothing you could have said or done to change that. The way I felt when we talked, when we joked about nothing, when we fought about insignificant things and bickered like an old couple, it made me feel alive. I was never really confident, I didn't think I was pretty enough, or thin enough, or interesting enough. But with you, everything was different. You gave me confidence, made me feel funny, sexy and loved. And I blossomed under your care along the years. You set my soul on fire. You were the one who could break me into a million pieces and still put me back together. Back then I couldn't tell you in so many words, and I probably wasn't aware of it the way I am today though. Words were never good enough anyway. I could never describe the way I felt because simple words didn't even begin to cover it. And it never mattered to me that we fell for each other through a computer, or a phone, I loved you more fiercely than anyone before. I don't think I've loved anyone as fiercely as I loved you, even now. It was probably a bit scary to me back then. But I'm almost 31, and I'm not afraid anymore to own these feelings. I'm not afraid of you knowing how much you meant to me.
And it's probably a little bit sad.. Okay, maybe it's really, really sad how this still affects me today. It's funny because Francis and I broke up two years ago, and I was devastated, as anyone should have been after more than 6 years together. But I got over it a few months later. I can think about him without feeling nostalgic. I don't feel anything when I remember what we had. But you... Years later, well apparently I can't read any of our chats without crying at some point. I'm much more aware of what I lost when it comes to you, I think. I know now there will never be anyone like you. There was only ever you. You think I loved Kyle back then, hell i thought I loved him too, but Kyle was nothing compared to you. Kyle wasn't love. Kyle was a way to anchor myself to something while I was falling in love with you. I was scared of how much i felt for you and of you never feeling the same way. Kyle said things I wanted to hear, even if they were lies, and it was easier to hold on to that than making myself vulnerable with you and getting hurt so deeply I wouldn't be able to recover properly. But should you have asked me to, i would have picked you over him a thousand times over. I was young and foolish though, and ultimately it was what sealed the fate of the relationship you and I shared. Because you met Jen, and it was too late.
Doesn't change the fact that you and I were meant to find each other. I'd never believed in soulmates before I met you, but to this day, it's the only way I can describe you to anyone. Whether what we had was meant to stay platonic or not, the line between friendship and love got blurred along the way. I know a lot of it was confusing at the time, and we fought over it a lot because having you and losing you so soon afterwards was torture and I needed to keep it real any way I could. And usually it was by making a stupid ass comment about you being aloof or not saying something I wanted to hear. Which was so not the way to go obviously, because in the end, it's what drew you away. But I was young and didn't know better. There are a lot of things I'd change if I could. Bu no matter what though, our friendship was always the most important thing to both of us, and that's what made us special too.
Zac: i just like to lay and listen to you breathing
And I miss you. I really do. I miss our easy banter, our inside jokes, our shared love of music and tv shows, our bed dancing, our hatred for many many things. I miss our fights and our making up. I miss your crankiness, your geekyness, your obssession with ice, the stupid nicknames you called me. I miss falling asleep with you on the phone. God I even miss your stupid shallow breathing when we got up to no good on the phone. I miss the way you made me feel. Mostly I miss your voice, and your laugh ringing in my ear.
I don't think I'll ever stop missing you.
x Riddle xx: i love you
Zac: i love you too
Zac: <3