misery
So I got a cold sore on Friday that was seven blisters almost an inch long. Since then it has turned into a giant scabby disgusting mess over an inch long on my lower lip by the corner of my mouth. I added to that a near mental break down on Sunday night where I had panic attacks that left me physically shaking in bed unable to sleep. To that we add a migraine because someone up there must just 'love' me and my period coming in a few days me falling to absolute pieces. I am sitting a work, at least at the moment I am not crying anymore. Crying isn't helping, though neither is living. I've really decided that this is an utter waste. I take anti-depressants to try to block me from acting like I normally feel (miserable and depressed to the point of wanting to die) and yet clearly they must make me a fake me. I mean... you add hair dye to hair the hair really isn't that new color it is just masking the original color so the medicine must be masking the real me. My real emotions and feelings and I wonder what the hell is the point f it? It's moments like this where everything surges and I have to take the additional med to put the 'real me' back at bay where I wonder what the hell is the point? I mean I am just going to die. Everyone is, but most people have things they want to accomplish, people they love and live for. I have some friends and family, but I am alone. I don't have kids (back to the do I want them or don't I saga) that make me have to live for them and have to push on for them. I don't have a spouse or someone that loves me in that special way. I go home to my mother and then up to an empty room and an empty bed and that is how it will be for the rest of my life until I am fortunate enough to die and I wonder why do I do it? Why do I push and not simply kill myself and let the inevitable happen??? That and why do people try to stop people that want to kill themselves?!? They don't really know and understand how the person who wants to die feels. I know others might feel alone, but I don't know how others feel and I doubt anyone knows how I feel. I feel hopeless. Utterly hopeless and I know people are in bad spots and if they want to fight for whatever reason more power to them, but why should I be made to fight and drugged to be "happy" when it's not how I am.
And I just want to say FUCK YOU to the therapist I had gone to last year. I just have to get used to it?! Don't increase your meds when you have your period, you just have to get used to it. FUCK YOU. Why can't I kill myself then?!? Why should I just get used to it??? And it's not my fault I have a negative outlook and things bother me. It's how I am and if you can't give me better techniques than 'just don't look at things like that'... well FUCK YOU!
It's assholes like that doctor that just prove my point. There is no reason for me to try. People don't understand me no matter how much they try and how much they listen. I hurt and I shouldn't have to get used to it and I shouldn't have to drug myself to a fake happy so the rest of the world is happy and I should just be allowed to do what I want in regards to it. What the hell happened to the freedoms that people fought so hard for? Why shouldn't I be able to decide I don't want to do this anymore and end my life? It's not like this is a new theme for me. I've been like this for years now. I am clinically listed as chronically depressed. Can't we just get the clue and let me be?!? Can't we just realize that I fought the fight and lost. That I just want it all to go away. I am tired of false hopes and useless things. I just want it all to go away.
And I just want to say FUCK YOU to the therapist I had gone to last year. I just have to get used to it?! Don't increase your meds when you have your period, you just have to get used to it. FUCK YOU. Why can't I kill myself then?!? Why should I just get used to it??? And it's not my fault I have a negative outlook and things bother me. It's how I am and if you can't give me better techniques than 'just don't look at things like that'... well FUCK YOU!
It's assholes like that doctor that just prove my point. There is no reason for me to try. People don't understand me no matter how much they try and how much they listen. I hurt and I shouldn't have to get used to it and I shouldn't have to drug myself to a fake happy so the rest of the world is happy and I should just be allowed to do what I want in regards to it. What the hell happened to the freedoms that people fought so hard for? Why shouldn't I be able to decide I don't want to do this anymore and end my life? It's not like this is a new theme for me. I've been like this for years now. I am clinically listed as chronically depressed. Can't we just get the clue and let me be?!? Can't we just realize that I fought the fight and lost. That I just want it all to go away. I am tired of false hopes and useless things. I just want it all to go away.