Too much at once
Alright crystaltear I need some of your sage words...
I am ready to absolutely scream. I had a good day, a nice exercise and even go out shopping and within a matter of 2 hours from a family member and a friend I am ready to scream. I didn't read, but that is alright because I got to the computer way later after doing crafts and being out shopping at target.
But now I have negativity (and got some w/o them realizing) and it makes me doubt and question myself when I shouldn't. It makes me feel alone and makes me wish I had someone of my own.
I hear about a relationship that is new and then questions from the family saying about their own lack of companionship and reasons why they don't want one. Which just made me feel paniced because they were quite blunt with me with some things and I see no hope for me with one ever now.
Then I could scream. It's like talking to a wall and I just like blew up at a friend. Something needs to snap her out of it, but I doubt anything will. She could do so much. She has one things I don't (age, skinnier, prettier) and instead of fighting to do something with it she just like gave up and it makes me envious. It drives me wild. I just wish I could grab her and shake her and go you still have so much time before you end up where I am with a degree in a job that doesn't care if you have one or not bloody alone with nothing. I know she has challenges and I am not saying she doesn't, but... so does everyone else (including myself) and I just can barely keep my head above water some days... when she gets like this... I don't even know why I fight to stay alive because I feel like I have less. Because I know the things that hold me back. I know my fears. Hell, I doubt I could even get a new job at the moment for as fat as I am. Who would want me to be doing job interviews, or trying to recruit people or anything like that the way I look. And ya I'm trying to do something about it, but then yippie... I have gross flaps of skin cause that is so much better. And who the hell knows if I will be successful and manage to keep it off if I do lose it in the first place?!
I can honestly say that at the moment I feel a hole in my chest and I wish I could just plunge a knife in it. Just plunge it in and twist it and twist it over and over until the emptiness went away. Until the hole was gone. Until I was gone.
I am ready to absolutely scream. I had a good day, a nice exercise and even go out shopping and within a matter of 2 hours from a family member and a friend I am ready to scream. I didn't read, but that is alright because I got to the computer way later after doing crafts and being out shopping at target.
But now I have negativity (and got some w/o them realizing) and it makes me doubt and question myself when I shouldn't. It makes me feel alone and makes me wish I had someone of my own.
I hear about a relationship that is new and then questions from the family saying about their own lack of companionship and reasons why they don't want one. Which just made me feel paniced because they were quite blunt with me with some things and I see no hope for me with one ever now.
Then I could scream. It's like talking to a wall and I just like blew up at a friend. Something needs to snap her out of it, but I doubt anything will. She could do so much. She has one things I don't (age, skinnier, prettier) and instead of fighting to do something with it she just like gave up and it makes me envious. It drives me wild. I just wish I could grab her and shake her and go you still have so much time before you end up where I am with a degree in a job that doesn't care if you have one or not bloody alone with nothing. I know she has challenges and I am not saying she doesn't, but... so does everyone else (including myself) and I just can barely keep my head above water some days... when she gets like this... I don't even know why I fight to stay alive because I feel like I have less. Because I know the things that hold me back. I know my fears. Hell, I doubt I could even get a new job at the moment for as fat as I am. Who would want me to be doing job interviews, or trying to recruit people or anything like that the way I look. And ya I'm trying to do something about it, but then yippie... I have gross flaps of skin cause that is so much better. And who the hell knows if I will be successful and manage to keep it off if I do lose it in the first place?!
I can honestly say that at the moment I feel a hole in my chest and I wish I could just plunge a knife in it. Just plunge it in and twist it and twist it over and over until the emptiness went away. Until the hole was gone. Until I was gone.