(no subject)
I know most of you probably pass by journal really quickly without a second glance or thought of what my life is like right now;
And I don't blame you at all.
Thats why I've barely updated in months. That and the fact my life has been anything but harsh to me lately.
That is; until now.
The love you have for your first love is unlike anything you'll even begin to fathom.
Your so sure that you will spend the rest of your life with this person, you will stop at nothing to make sure it happens.
Days you don't see them feel so empty and unspent, and you litterally jump at any chance to see/speak to them, no matter what's going on at that exact moment.
They also make your problems seem to just, dissapear without even saying a word, like just seeing them is enough to drown all sorrows and make you forget why you were even angry/sad in the first place.
Well, maybe my view of "love" has been diluted with stories on television/books/movies.
But it did feel like someone else was writing this love story for me. I couldn't have dreamed that anything would've been so perfect for so long. But I guess everything that has a start has an end too. As painful as a realisation that was.
When your first love [view diluted or not] isn't there as much, it feels like you've been stabbed in the stomache and chest, you hurt all over and you don't want to hear nothing from no-one about it.
You just want to be alone, to self pity yourself and try to convince yourselves that everthing will be ok.
When all the time your sitting by yourself, self-pitying, trying to convince yourself, you just want to climb up to the top of the highest height and take a swan dive to the lowest low. Racing your tears to the bottom and spilling your guts along the way.
Trying to think of the fear of the sudden stop other than the fear of living one more second without your first love.
Maybe love doesn't exist. Maybe it's a false front to make your meningless existance mean something for even a short while.
Maybe it's not even that.
I've cried all I can cry and It doesn't hurt anymore.
I'm so numb I can't even feel sorry for anything, because it seems like nothing this bad has happened to anyone else in the entire history, even tho a lot worse has happened.
But it feels that way...
And I don't blame you at all.
Thats why I've barely updated in months. That and the fact my life has been anything but harsh to me lately.
That is; until now.
The love you have for your first love is unlike anything you'll even begin to fathom.
Your so sure that you will spend the rest of your life with this person, you will stop at nothing to make sure it happens.
Days you don't see them feel so empty and unspent, and you litterally jump at any chance to see/speak to them, no matter what's going on at that exact moment.
They also make your problems seem to just, dissapear without even saying a word, like just seeing them is enough to drown all sorrows and make you forget why you were even angry/sad in the first place.
Well, maybe my view of "love" has been diluted with stories on television/books/movies.
But it did feel like someone else was writing this love story for me. I couldn't have dreamed that anything would've been so perfect for so long. But I guess everything that has a start has an end too. As painful as a realisation that was.
When your first love [view diluted or not] isn't there as much, it feels like you've been stabbed in the stomache and chest, you hurt all over and you don't want to hear nothing from no-one about it.
You just want to be alone, to self pity yourself and try to convince yourselves that everthing will be ok.
When all the time your sitting by yourself, self-pitying, trying to convince yourself, you just want to climb up to the top of the highest height and take a swan dive to the lowest low. Racing your tears to the bottom and spilling your guts along the way.
Trying to think of the fear of the sudden stop other than the fear of living one more second without your first love.
Maybe love doesn't exist. Maybe it's a false front to make your meningless existance mean something for even a short while.
Maybe it's not even that.
I've cried all I can cry and It doesn't hurt anymore.
I'm so numb I can't even feel sorry for anything, because it seems like nothing this bad has happened to anyone else in the entire history, even tho a lot worse has happened.
But it feels that way...