read this if you enjoy uninteresting internal struggle related to academia
This year is flying by already. I turned twenty last month... and this sudden loss of teenhood puts this huge, inexplicable weight on my shoulders, like I should immediately have some figment of responsibility, wisdom, or direction. When I went abroad, I permanently sealed away any chance of me returning to science....and I'm STILL struggling over it. To be honest, I don't care about art history. It's irrelevant to me to impart deep, postmodern analyses of all art that is produced today. I would rather spend my time creating things. TALKING about works that I am completely detached from just seems like such bullshit most of the time.
(Meh, I'm probably just bitter because I'm in a horrifically boring seminar on Art in the African Diaspora, and I want to die a little bit during every class. The class is comprised of 7 females -- 2 intense grad students, 4 honors-thesis-writing seniors, and then me....AND there is this god awful trend that is going through the class, where they like to wear school t-shirts under v-necks....and it's distracting as fuck. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. BUT ANYWAY.)
I made the jump from chem to art history because I was too scared to dive full-on into AT&P (studio). So, I settled with something more academic....But in retrospect, the best choice would have been to double in chemistry and studio art. I am so fucking stupid; god. And I did it partially for very hedonistic and stupid reasons. It's weird, and ridiculous, but I feel like I royally fucked up my future. I could suck it up and go back to chem, but I'm too proud, and there's no way in hell I'm incurring a lifetime of debt to learn about fucking molecules. Why don't I have awesome connections/resources? I could be Chet Hanks, man. He could do all the major-switching he wants, and he'll be able to stay at Northwestern.
In less than three weeks, I'll be in New York. Originally I had planned my trip hoping that I would be selected as a finalist for The Met's summer internship, so I could interview in person....but February is over tomorrow, and I haven't heard back from them. There are six spots, and the stipend is enough for me to live in Brooklyn. I made it to the semifinals... but nothing since then.
I need something to fall back on in Chicago, but prospects are looking dim so far. :\ fuckkkkkkkk, how am I gonna pay my rent this summer?
I told Steve he should just give handjobs on Wall Street-- according to a soc professor at Columbia, they run $275/job there; $225 in Soho/Chinatown. That's, what, a month's rent and sustenance in less than a day? What a lucrative industry!