...
i haven't been this depressed in a long time...i really haven't.
normally i can just walk over a couple feet and plop down in my bed, but now that i'm back home, i have to go through the charades of acting like nothing's bothering me. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm sick and tired of doing it. i just don't think my family deserves to see me all depressed, cause they've been really great and everything and i don't think it's fair to bother them with seeing how somber things are for me.
you know how it is when you know that something's wrong...and you know it involves you...and you have a general idea about what it's about....
...but you have no idea what EXACTLY it's about...and nobody'll tell you? but that really close friends -- i mean, SO close that you consider them family -- ignore you and refuse to talk to you and refuse to explain anything. don't pick up your phone calls, don't answer your IM's, don't respond to any ways of trying to get into contact, literally acting like you're dead to them.
i think there was a moment where i was pissed. like for about 30 minutes...TWO days ago. but for the last 48 hours, i really feel as if i've been in hell. i think i get a vague understanding of the saying, "Hell is hell because God isn't there." It never really made sense until now...but geez, if I'm feeling this tortured because someone's not there in my life...I guess I somewhat know what the saying's about.
it's 1 in the morning now. i don't know where to go. don't know what good bars there are around here. no fun playing pool by yourself, and they prob aren't open this late on a thursday nite. strip joint...hah. i'd prob fall asleep in them again.
great. just sit and...i dunno the right word. brood?...no, i'm not fuming. sulk?...no, i'm not angry. ponder?...no, i'm too exhausted to think. cry?...no, i think it's beyond that. not quite sure what the word is. i guess it's just where you sit there...and sorta feel like curling up in a fetal position, cause you've lost something really important and half of the greatness in life is gone, and things look a lot more bleaker because things aren't the same now that nobody's there to give you a helping hand or a good laugh or a good shoulder to lean on when times get tough.
normally i can just walk over a couple feet and plop down in my bed, but now that i'm back home, i have to go through the charades of acting like nothing's bothering me. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm sick and tired of doing it. i just don't think my family deserves to see me all depressed, cause they've been really great and everything and i don't think it's fair to bother them with seeing how somber things are for me.
you know how it is when you know that something's wrong...and you know it involves you...and you have a general idea about what it's about....
...but you have no idea what EXACTLY it's about...and nobody'll tell you? but that really close friends -- i mean, SO close that you consider them family -- ignore you and refuse to talk to you and refuse to explain anything. don't pick up your phone calls, don't answer your IM's, don't respond to any ways of trying to get into contact, literally acting like you're dead to them.
i think there was a moment where i was pissed. like for about 30 minutes...TWO days ago. but for the last 48 hours, i really feel as if i've been in hell. i think i get a vague understanding of the saying, "Hell is hell because God isn't there." It never really made sense until now...but geez, if I'm feeling this tortured because someone's not there in my life...I guess I somewhat know what the saying's about.
it's 1 in the morning now. i don't know where to go. don't know what good bars there are around here. no fun playing pool by yourself, and they prob aren't open this late on a thursday nite. strip joint...hah. i'd prob fall asleep in them again.
great. just sit and...i dunno the right word. brood?...no, i'm not fuming. sulk?...no, i'm not angry. ponder?...no, i'm too exhausted to think. cry?...no, i think it's beyond that. not quite sure what the word is. i guess it's just where you sit there...and sorta feel like curling up in a fetal position, cause you've lost something really important and half of the greatness in life is gone, and things look a lot more bleaker because things aren't the same now that nobody's there to give you a helping hand or a good laugh or a good shoulder to lean on when times get tough.