[3615 Mylife] Tarots and responsivity
[ENG] Autumn's here and light is terrible so it's very difficult to take a good photo. The one in this entry was taken back in June. This is Evan Yi Feng's Lunatic tarot which is out of print and I'm extremely pleased I managed to get a deck at a high, but still reasonable price.
A few weeks ago, I was requested a tarot reading and although she is a friend, I just couldn't do it. We used 2 different decks and it didn't make any sense to me. A colleague of mine requested a tarot reading too and I had to warn her the outcome may not be as insightful as the previous ones she received. Although I haven't been practicing tarot reading for this long, I know for sure it requires a form of empathy and I clearly don't have it at the moment. I haven't been responsive even to myself lately and being responsive to others feels extremely difficult.
I got into an argument with an other friend of mine. She asked about me whereas she actually wanted us to talk about her. I told her that I wasn't feeling good, that I had a lot on my plate at work and I implied that I was crying a lot because of Bestiole. She wanted to share a good news with me and it kind of fell flat because I guessed months ago. Politely, I congratulated her and here comes the argument. I was told this as a secret and she even started talking abou avoiding being bursted out. It irritated me a TON. Her husband isn't careful about my personal information and he purposedly revealed a piece of it to some of our friends. I didn't say a thing when he bursted it : I don't speak about it is because I don't want to speak about the reasons behind it, but I made it clear that I was highly displeased. He wasn't told that information by myself and I didn't even tell my friend in the first place : she knows because she heard me calling my Mom. Although we're friends, I don't tell everything to everyone among our group, be it online or in real life, and I am pissed off they can't understand this.
She even started giving excuses : "He sees me sending you parcels and stuff, so of course he knows". Am I dumb or what ? Of course he knows because of you, I wasn't even questioning that ! Hey, you both live under the same roof so OBVIOUSLY he would have known or got hints of it at some point, I don't care that you told him, I'm furious that your JERK of a husband wasn't careful with it and blew it out ON PURPOSE with a smirk AND that youu ask ME at the same time to keep a secret !
I couldn't say more than I didn't appreciate her husband being indelicate, she left me no occasion to present an argument because she closed down the conversation saying I was blaming them for something she didn't even remember. At the time I felt SO OFFENDED and she doesn't even remember ? And I am the bad friend for rejoicing with her ? I'm crying so much day and night, how am I supposed to be happy for someone else ? I try so hard to keep my personal life out my work, I feel so lonely, how should I feel when someone rubs their happiness to my face ? She hasn't been there for me and it's totally fine to be selfish, I sincerely understand she needs to take care of herself first. The thing that enrages me is that I feel I'm blamed for not sympathizing with her when she doesn't realize she isn't sympathizing with me either. When she visited me this summer, I told her twice the light bulb in the bathroom was broken, and I told her right before she went in and she still switched on and asked, surprised "Oh, you don't have light there ?". She wasn't in a listening attitude and even if I wanted to, I couldn't cry on her shoulder because she wouldn't have embraced my pain. I have no problem with her not caring, my problem is she doesn't care while expecting me to care.
It's been about 2 months now and we haven't really talked to each other. I wasn't the one avoiding the argument and I am the offended part so making the first step is hard because all I want to do is biting back.
With all of this going on, I'm anxious about doing the tarot reading for my colleague : I may burst into tears because of the feeling of failure on the one hand, and on the second hand, this will be an unnecessary proof that loneliness weighs so heavily on my heart that I can't think about the future. Hopefully, she's absolutely not a demanding person and I think she'll understand if I honestly tell her that I'm emotionnaly unstable and don't feel able to do it properly.