growing sense of self
So, I had some unexpected time off last night. It's a pleasant surprise, and I enjoyed it very much indeed. I didn't squander it glued to the tube, or playing the Wii. Didn't bother to head down to the local bear bar, or even try to find any sort of company whatsoever. Instead, I headed out to do some shopping - which is one of the ways I get my "alone" time.
It's funny how little time I actually spend by myself. I've always been one to seek attention and companionship, as much as I'd like to claim that I'm very independent. Truth is, I CAN be very independent - I just don't exercise it enough. I'm the kind of person who is always looking for company, people to do stuff with, etc. Even in relationships, I tend to want to be with the other person pretty much all the time. I want to do everything, be everything for the other person. And I kinda want the other person to be my everything too. In short, I tend towards co-dependency more than independence.
While I know that I'm a very unique individual (quirky, to quote my drama professor), I find that I have a very low sense of self. I don't know me. I know who I want to be, I know who I like to appear to be, but I have NO clue who I actually am. I'm guessing this might be the result from my constant need for companionship and my easy-going nature, but I can't be sure. I'm very indecisive, and often go along with whatever anyone else suggests.
What brought along all this introspection? Why, the rare "alone" time, of course. That, and a numbing realization at the local Borders (where I was looking to use a $25 gift card I got for my b'day) - I was looking for books that I thought might look good on my bookcase. Can we all say, "WTF?!!" I couldn't believe I was looking for books that would look impressive to someone else. Was I really that pretentious? I'd like to say I'm not, but I think I could be - I would have been if I didn't actually catch myself. And then, the big revelation came to me - I had no clue what I wanted on my bookcase for me. Who am I, and what kind of books do I read? What subject matters am I really interested in? Am I really that out of touch with myself?!
I spent about 2 hours going around the store - and that's purely browsing, I didn't even stop to flip through anything. It was like a journey of self-discovery as I wandered though the aisles of literature. I decided to pass on fiction for today, ixnay on the music and DVDs as well. I thought that I might as well look for more enriching material, seeing as I'm already on this mini-discovery-of-self journey. Passed on the comics and periodicals, didn't think I'd use the cookbooks. Kinda eyed the poetry section, but decided that getting poetry would be REALLY pretentious. As much as I love to read and enjoy listening to the lyrical poetry of musicians, I'm not artsy enough to appreciate the beauty of poetry in its true form. Raw, written poetry overwhelms me. Perhaps someday in the future, when I deem myself grown and mature enough to actually enjoy it, I will return to the poetry section. It's not for me as I am now.
So, among the many thousands of tomes in the store, where did I find myself focusing on? The self-help section, the business section, the sports section and the humor section. Insights into asianbearcub, by asianbearcub, while asianbearcub is discovering it for himself. Gotta love the power of the information age.
What did I buy at Borders last night? Nothing. Was it a waste of time? I think not.
It's funny how little time I actually spend by myself. I've always been one to seek attention and companionship, as much as I'd like to claim that I'm very independent. Truth is, I CAN be very independent - I just don't exercise it enough. I'm the kind of person who is always looking for company, people to do stuff with, etc. Even in relationships, I tend to want to be with the other person pretty much all the time. I want to do everything, be everything for the other person. And I kinda want the other person to be my everything too. In short, I tend towards co-dependency more than independence.
While I know that I'm a very unique individual (quirky, to quote my drama professor), I find that I have a very low sense of self. I don't know me. I know who I want to be, I know who I like to appear to be, but I have NO clue who I actually am. I'm guessing this might be the result from my constant need for companionship and my easy-going nature, but I can't be sure. I'm very indecisive, and often go along with whatever anyone else suggests.
What brought along all this introspection? Why, the rare "alone" time, of course. That, and a numbing realization at the local Borders (where I was looking to use a $25 gift card I got for my b'day) - I was looking for books that I thought might look good on my bookcase. Can we all say, "WTF?!!" I couldn't believe I was looking for books that would look impressive to someone else. Was I really that pretentious? I'd like to say I'm not, but I think I could be - I would have been if I didn't actually catch myself. And then, the big revelation came to me - I had no clue what I wanted on my bookcase for me. Who am I, and what kind of books do I read? What subject matters am I really interested in? Am I really that out of touch with myself?!
I spent about 2 hours going around the store - and that's purely browsing, I didn't even stop to flip through anything. It was like a journey of self-discovery as I wandered though the aisles of literature. I decided to pass on fiction for today, ixnay on the music and DVDs as well. I thought that I might as well look for more enriching material, seeing as I'm already on this mini-discovery-of-self journey. Passed on the comics and periodicals, didn't think I'd use the cookbooks. Kinda eyed the poetry section, but decided that getting poetry would be REALLY pretentious. As much as I love to read and enjoy listening to the lyrical poetry of musicians, I'm not artsy enough to appreciate the beauty of poetry in its true form. Raw, written poetry overwhelms me. Perhaps someday in the future, when I deem myself grown and mature enough to actually enjoy it, I will return to the poetry section. It's not for me as I am now.
So, among the many thousands of tomes in the store, where did I find myself focusing on? The self-help section, the business section, the sports section and the humor section. Insights into asianbearcub, by asianbearcub, while asianbearcub is discovering it for himself. Gotta love the power of the information age.
What did I buy at Borders last night? Nothing. Was it a waste of time? I think not.