... drama queen, apparently.
so... it's once again been just about 3 months since my last post. normally, i'd be apologizing about the long spell of silence, but i'm gonna pass on that this time around - it's been somewhat intentional. in the meantime, i've managed to rack up several things to blog about... i'm just not sure where to start.
first of all, if this is your first time reading my blog - welcome. i'll be redirecting quite a few of you new friends over here via facebook, so i guess i need to put up a few warnings/apologies/disclaimers... this blog is definitely a far more personal space than my facebook wall is. it's not going to be updated as often, but it'll definitely feature "meatier" content when it comes to yours truly. also, i will be a lot more whiny on here. if you think i'm whiny in person, then this might not be your cup of tea. it's, like, exponentially more whining on here. just sayin'.
i would also like to start by apologize to myself... it's no big secret that 2009 was a rough year for me, and i really, REALLY wanted to start off 2010 on a positive note. and here i am, once again having to use this space to vent. o well.
i guess a big part of me having all these issues is that i'm a drama queen? i dunno... i tend to like my life drama-free, and have pretty much taken pride in the fact that i'm a simple guy with simple needs. on the other hand, however, i've found that i have a tendency to internalize a LOT of things... and overthink them a lot while they're swimming around in my head. and while my brain blows all these little things into stupendously retarded proportions, my own attempts to keep things drama-free edits and filters all the shit out of my everyday communications. so on the outside, everything's normal and nothing bothers me... almost to the point of appearing callous and uncaring, as it's been pointed out to me. but on the inside, well... if you're reading this, you know it's not always the case. i'm a horrible mess inside, and it can be a scary place to be.
as much as i don't care to admit it, i probably am damaged goods. while i don't seem to have a problem crying at movies and tv shows, i can't seem to emote my own shit when it's appropriate. then, after an indefinite amount of time and emo buildup, i will have this wierd emo eruption that seems to have no trigger other than it only happening when i'm by myself... and when i say wierd, i mean wierd... like all the different emotions at once. there was this one time, i was watching Man vs Wild (by myself) when, as he finally scales the final obstacle to reveal a truly beautiful, epic landscape, as well as a boat that will take him back to civilization... as the triumphant music swells, and the grandeur of the scenery overtakes me, i start to laugh with joy... and then my emo eruption occurs. what was supposed to be a moment of pure joy and appreciation was invaded with cries of anguish and tears of despair. the episode (of breakdown, not of man vs wild) left me confused and scared. how fucked up am i truly am on the inside? apparently i'm so guarded that i can't let this shit out with anyone else around, despite the fact that deep down inside one of my biggest desires is to have somebody there while it happens, to have someone to share with and understand the things that i'm going through.
having said that, i hope i haven't scared anyone away. i'm not dangerous, i swear. well, not to anyone else anyway.
so, on a somewhat related note... the main reason i've stayed quiet for so long on here is the fact that i've been going through some drama. again, it's mostly happened in my head - i'm not sure if it's really as big a deal as i'm making it out to be. (or it could be, and it's just my self-deprecating, play-it-off filter talkin'.)
now, i don't know EXACTLY what brought this on... if i said or did something wrong, if i've pissed off somebody, if i've disappointed somebody, if it's even my fault... i really don't know. i have no clue what started this, but someone just kinda quit me, for lack of a better explanation. like i said, i'm still pretty clueless about it. i got no explanation, no angry words, -nothing- from this person. just a sudden drop off the face of the planet, and silence.
in the beginning, i didn't think much of it... i just assumed he was busy with life and doing his own thing. it happens, it's cool. i, of all people, certainly understand. i'm not necessarily the most consistent communicator either (to put it EXTREMELY politely... lol), and i go through spells where i'm offline for awhile. but then, as i started to wonder how he was doing, i thought that i'd mosey on over to his facebook page to just send a greeting, see what's up - i find that i was kinda... blocked. BLOCKED. B-L-O-C-K-E-D. WTF?
now, THAT is what hurt. the sudden disappearance, the silence, i can kinda deal with. heck, i kinda pulled it myself when i first came all the way out here for a fresh start. i left all my old friends and family back home, stayed quiet to them while i got set up here, and eventually found my own life without them out here. so while that kinda hurt, i can't bitch about it because i did the same once. karma's a bitch, but a fair one. i deserved that, i suppose.
but, with no explanation, blocked? that hurt. a LOT. still does. i considered him one of my best friends. i shared everything with him. and... ouch, to say the least. i had to go through the 5 stages of loss... lol. first there was denial, then a lot of anger, and then a lot of rationalizing/bargaining (mostly with myself, in my own head), followed by depression... i'm not sure if i'm out it yet, i'm not sure if i'll ever reach acceptance without some form of closure. but yeah... i took it hard. it's been 3 months, and i'm still hurting.
now, there IS more to this... o yeah. loads more. it's when i found out i was blocked was when i figured out... he probably HASN'T dropped offline... but I was the one on invisible/ignore... *lightbulb* now, i may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but i ain't a total 'tard either. it may take me awhile, but i usually figure shit out.
now, he's since removed the facebook block... but still hasn't said a damn thing. i guess i'm still on invisible/ignore. so i don't know if it's okay to talk to him again, or not. and so this situation has since grown into a cold war of silence - i'm not sure if i'm looking for an apology, or if i should be apologizing, or if we're cool, or if i should say anything, or if i should have taken the hint, and i'm really no longer welcome in his life, or whatever, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. and until i get something that lets me know one way or the other, i guess i'mma keep my stupid mouth shut.
now, if you're hearing this for the first time... sorry for piling all the vent on you. if i've confided in you about this before... i'm even sorrier still, for re-hashing all of this... and even MORE sorry if my re-investigating this is directly contradicting any advice you might have given me. i'm a stubborn fool. all i can do now is ask for your continued support and friendship... and pray that this doesn't backfire and make things worse... if they can get any worse.
and, if the person in question is reading this... i'd still want you in my life.
now, just a little more whining, and i swear i'll move on to the good stuff.
recently, a new contact has given me some shit about not communicating right... mostly about him not getting a reply back in a timely fashion, if at all... and granted, i AM bad at that. i am HORRIBLE at that. i make no excuses, i can't defend myself there. i'm a bad correspondent. i know that. you don't have to look very far to see ample example of that. just look above, and read what i did (and still do, kinda...) to my own family. heck, just look at how far apart the dates are on my posts on here... hell, even my own mom doesn't hear from me for weeks at a time. (sorry mom!) so i am not contesting that accusation. hell no, i'm guilty as charged... but just because you called me on it doesn't mean that you'll hear more often from me that my own mom does. so you can take your little passive-aggressive hissy fit and shove it up your arse. this is who i am, take it or leave it.
oh, and if you're a new friend - be warned. i'm a bad correspondent. there WILL be lengths of time where you won't hear from me. and if you leave me with nothing to reply to, or if i have nothing to say... the conversation is over. wanna keep talking? start a new one. pick a new topic. whatever.
ok, i'm done. on to the good stuff. (see? toldja it wouldn't be that bad!)
so, given how rough 2009 was, and despite the drama carried over (in fact, the drama helped strengthen my resolve for this), i wanted to start 2010 on a more positive note. i wanted to strive for better things, to better myself, to take more chances, to get out there more, to meet more people, to stop letting fear dictate my decision making process... all that good stuff. and i think i managed some of it... lol.
so, i made it out to Palm Springs, CA for the first time ever... (visit new places... CHECK! :D lol)
i headed out there for Chubfest (also my first time to the event...) - which was interesting. i made a few new friends there, although i really spent most of it reconnecting with old ones... and yes this is how i roll - you may not hear from me in awhile, but once you're a friend to me, you're a friend. i generally WILL remember you, and we will have something to talk about when we do finally reconnect. anyways... it was a nice little thing - basically felt like a weekend-long pool party, really. the crowd was somewhat older and bigger in size than your average bear run, but it's a friendly community of many event regulars. what sucked was that it was cold and rainy half the weekend... which was wierd considering the location, but o well. mama nature does things on her own schedule.
then, it was IBR! great fun, and the whole household actually came on up with me this year... got to see Kevin Smith, and gained even more respect for the guy... i mean, i'm a big fanboy to begin with, but i was totally awed by the guy's mind - open, inquisitive, and sharp as a razor. he's a great organizer/facilitator too, which comes with the territory given his profession i suppose. i also made a few new friends over IBR weekend, shoutout to you guys if you're reading this... the gaysian mafia! we'll give the gay yakuza a run for their money yet... lol!
i also tried to get a little meet-n-greet together for us LJ peeps, but that turned out to be an epic fail - it was too little too late... not too many LJers anymore, thanks to facebook.... and notice was too late, i posted it on the friday of IBR weekend... result: nobody but me showed up... lol. i am sad panda...
next up on the itinerary - TBRU in a couple of weeks! :D
and finally, as a part of the new-and-improved-me-2010-initiative: i figure i will, also for the first time ever, participate in the March meme that is the "Question/Secret/Ask-Me-Anything Month"... so ask away... all comments/questions will be screened.
first of all, if this is your first time reading my blog - welcome. i'll be redirecting quite a few of you new friends over here via facebook, so i guess i need to put up a few warnings/apologies/disclaimers... this blog is definitely a far more personal space than my facebook wall is. it's not going to be updated as often, but it'll definitely feature "meatier" content when it comes to yours truly. also, i will be a lot more whiny on here. if you think i'm whiny in person, then this might not be your cup of tea. it's, like, exponentially more whining on here. just sayin'.
i would also like to start by apologize to myself... it's no big secret that 2009 was a rough year for me, and i really, REALLY wanted to start off 2010 on a positive note. and here i am, once again having to use this space to vent. o well.
i guess a big part of me having all these issues is that i'm a drama queen? i dunno... i tend to like my life drama-free, and have pretty much taken pride in the fact that i'm a simple guy with simple needs. on the other hand, however, i've found that i have a tendency to internalize a LOT of things... and overthink them a lot while they're swimming around in my head. and while my brain blows all these little things into stupendously retarded proportions, my own attempts to keep things drama-free edits and filters all the shit out of my everyday communications. so on the outside, everything's normal and nothing bothers me... almost to the point of appearing callous and uncaring, as it's been pointed out to me. but on the inside, well... if you're reading this, you know it's not always the case. i'm a horrible mess inside, and it can be a scary place to be.
as much as i don't care to admit it, i probably am damaged goods. while i don't seem to have a problem crying at movies and tv shows, i can't seem to emote my own shit when it's appropriate. then, after an indefinite amount of time and emo buildup, i will have this wierd emo eruption that seems to have no trigger other than it only happening when i'm by myself... and when i say wierd, i mean wierd... like all the different emotions at once. there was this one time, i was watching Man vs Wild (by myself) when, as he finally scales the final obstacle to reveal a truly beautiful, epic landscape, as well as a boat that will take him back to civilization... as the triumphant music swells, and the grandeur of the scenery overtakes me, i start to laugh with joy... and then my emo eruption occurs. what was supposed to be a moment of pure joy and appreciation was invaded with cries of anguish and tears of despair. the episode (of breakdown, not of man vs wild) left me confused and scared. how fucked up am i truly am on the inside? apparently i'm so guarded that i can't let this shit out with anyone else around, despite the fact that deep down inside one of my biggest desires is to have somebody there while it happens, to have someone to share with and understand the things that i'm going through.
having said that, i hope i haven't scared anyone away. i'm not dangerous, i swear. well, not to anyone else anyway.
so, on a somewhat related note... the main reason i've stayed quiet for so long on here is the fact that i've been going through some drama. again, it's mostly happened in my head - i'm not sure if it's really as big a deal as i'm making it out to be. (or it could be, and it's just my self-deprecating, play-it-off filter talkin'.)
now, i don't know EXACTLY what brought this on... if i said or did something wrong, if i've pissed off somebody, if i've disappointed somebody, if it's even my fault... i really don't know. i have no clue what started this, but someone just kinda quit me, for lack of a better explanation. like i said, i'm still pretty clueless about it. i got no explanation, no angry words, -nothing- from this person. just a sudden drop off the face of the planet, and silence.
in the beginning, i didn't think much of it... i just assumed he was busy with life and doing his own thing. it happens, it's cool. i, of all people, certainly understand. i'm not necessarily the most consistent communicator either (to put it EXTREMELY politely... lol), and i go through spells where i'm offline for awhile. but then, as i started to wonder how he was doing, i thought that i'd mosey on over to his facebook page to just send a greeting, see what's up - i find that i was kinda... blocked. BLOCKED. B-L-O-C-K-E-D. WTF?
now, THAT is what hurt. the sudden disappearance, the silence, i can kinda deal with. heck, i kinda pulled it myself when i first came all the way out here for a fresh start. i left all my old friends and family back home, stayed quiet to them while i got set up here, and eventually found my own life without them out here. so while that kinda hurt, i can't bitch about it because i did the same once. karma's a bitch, but a fair one. i deserved that, i suppose.
but, with no explanation, blocked? that hurt. a LOT. still does. i considered him one of my best friends. i shared everything with him. and... ouch, to say the least. i had to go through the 5 stages of loss... lol. first there was denial, then a lot of anger, and then a lot of rationalizing/bargaining (mostly with myself, in my own head), followed by depression... i'm not sure if i'm out it yet, i'm not sure if i'll ever reach acceptance without some form of closure. but yeah... i took it hard. it's been 3 months, and i'm still hurting.
now, there IS more to this... o yeah. loads more. it's when i found out i was blocked was when i figured out... he probably HASN'T dropped offline... but I was the one on invisible/ignore... *lightbulb* now, i may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but i ain't a total 'tard either. it may take me awhile, but i usually figure shit out.
now, he's since removed the facebook block... but still hasn't said a damn thing. i guess i'm still on invisible/ignore. so i don't know if it's okay to talk to him again, or not. and so this situation has since grown into a cold war of silence - i'm not sure if i'm looking for an apology, or if i should be apologizing, or if we're cool, or if i should say anything, or if i should have taken the hint, and i'm really no longer welcome in his life, or whatever, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. and until i get something that lets me know one way or the other, i guess i'mma keep my stupid mouth shut.
now, if you're hearing this for the first time... sorry for piling all the vent on you. if i've confided in you about this before... i'm even sorrier still, for re-hashing all of this... and even MORE sorry if my re-investigating this is directly contradicting any advice you might have given me. i'm a stubborn fool. all i can do now is ask for your continued support and friendship... and pray that this doesn't backfire and make things worse... if they can get any worse.
and, if the person in question is reading this... i'd still want you in my life.
now, just a little more whining, and i swear i'll move on to the good stuff.
recently, a new contact has given me some shit about not communicating right... mostly about him not getting a reply back in a timely fashion, if at all... and granted, i AM bad at that. i am HORRIBLE at that. i make no excuses, i can't defend myself there. i'm a bad correspondent. i know that. you don't have to look very far to see ample example of that. just look above, and read what i did (and still do, kinda...) to my own family. heck, just look at how far apart the dates are on my posts on here... hell, even my own mom doesn't hear from me for weeks at a time. (sorry mom!) so i am not contesting that accusation. hell no, i'm guilty as charged... but just because you called me on it doesn't mean that you'll hear more often from me that my own mom does. so you can take your little passive-aggressive hissy fit and shove it up your arse. this is who i am, take it or leave it.
oh, and if you're a new friend - be warned. i'm a bad correspondent. there WILL be lengths of time where you won't hear from me. and if you leave me with nothing to reply to, or if i have nothing to say... the conversation is over. wanna keep talking? start a new one. pick a new topic. whatever.
ok, i'm done. on to the good stuff. (see? toldja it wouldn't be that bad!)
so, given how rough 2009 was, and despite the drama carried over (in fact, the drama helped strengthen my resolve for this), i wanted to start 2010 on a more positive note. i wanted to strive for better things, to better myself, to take more chances, to get out there more, to meet more people, to stop letting fear dictate my decision making process... all that good stuff. and i think i managed some of it... lol.
so, i made it out to Palm Springs, CA for the first time ever... (visit new places... CHECK! :D lol)
i headed out there for Chubfest (also my first time to the event...) - which was interesting. i made a few new friends there, although i really spent most of it reconnecting with old ones... and yes this is how i roll - you may not hear from me in awhile, but once you're a friend to me, you're a friend. i generally WILL remember you, and we will have something to talk about when we do finally reconnect. anyways... it was a nice little thing - basically felt like a weekend-long pool party, really. the crowd was somewhat older and bigger in size than your average bear run, but it's a friendly community of many event regulars. what sucked was that it was cold and rainy half the weekend... which was wierd considering the location, but o well. mama nature does things on her own schedule.
then, it was IBR! great fun, and the whole household actually came on up with me this year... got to see Kevin Smith, and gained even more respect for the guy... i mean, i'm a big fanboy to begin with, but i was totally awed by the guy's mind - open, inquisitive, and sharp as a razor. he's a great organizer/facilitator too, which comes with the territory given his profession i suppose. i also made a few new friends over IBR weekend, shoutout to you guys if you're reading this... the gaysian mafia! we'll give the gay yakuza a run for their money yet... lol!
i also tried to get a little meet-n-greet together for us LJ peeps, but that turned out to be an epic fail - it was too little too late... not too many LJers anymore, thanks to facebook.... and notice was too late, i posted it on the friday of IBR weekend... result: nobody but me showed up... lol. i am sad panda...
next up on the itinerary - TBRU in a couple of weeks! :D
and finally, as a part of the new-and-improved-me-2010-initiative: i figure i will, also for the first time ever, participate in the March meme that is the "Question/Secret/Ask-Me-Anything Month"... so ask away... all comments/questions will be screened.