I always feel as if
I have to write as someone else or about someone else. As if that's more interesting.
How is it that I can write lesbian erotica but say that I'd be disappointed if my son or daughter were gay? How could I want anything but gay children if I am comfortable publishing and sharing this kind of work? It doesn't make sense because it's hypocrtical.
This is something that has been in the back of my mind- when I do dishes when I talk to my mom, when I read my email.
I think I may take a different direction with Moan Joan. It may be an offensive one though. It would show Romy and Joan's love to not be love at all but an experimental affair of convenience. Maybe that's all I see gay love as- fickle phases and pornography. That's actually exactly right. That is what I think. As annoying as it is, I think each person has an innate desire to be with the opposite sex. Anything other is a disorder, I believe, instilled before birth. I think spirits can come in and corrupt unprotected wombs ad fetuses.
I know that in this world, I'd be hated for my opinions if I ever shared them. I know that I have before, but that was many years ago, when people were still more accepting of opposing ideals.
I guess I just wanted to unload since I don't have anyone open-minded and non-judgemental to speak to. Not even college can provide much of that for me anymore. I feel as though everyone has their own agenda to push and that opposition is swiftly punished in one way or another. I've become a pariah with certain groups of people for less.
I hate living at school. I'm really glad to be in the city for now, for the summer. I honestly don't want to go back. I wouldn't mind working on getting on a better job and collecting money at Noodles and Co in the mean time.
I will not even re-read this entry because it pains me to see that my ideals are so antiquated- but this is just who I am. It cannot be "helped". It cannot be changed.
I am going to meet up with Evan tomorrow. Although we met on FetLife, the idea of seeing him seems so innocent and normal. I'll probably definitely tell my mom. I'll say that I met him from Plenty of Fish or something of that nature, because, well, I'm not going to tell her about FetLife just yet. It's something I wouldn't mind talking to her about if I didn't have my own profile. She can certainly stomach and understand it as a website, but I don't think I'd want her to know how active I was on there just a matter of weeks ago. And if I do tell her about FetLife's existence, she'll never believe that I wasn't apart of it. Otherwise, why mention it? My mother is far too smart for that.
Anyway, going to walk home soon and perhaps think of places to take Evan. He wants to go to dinner- fancy, right? I wthought he'd say perhaps a late lunch, but he asked me to dinner. I don't think it's a date, I think it's just two people having dinner. Our birthdays are on the same day, exactly one year apart. How exciting. I always said that I wanted to date and end up with someone exactly like myself, but I feel as though our birthdays may be our only grand similiarity.
I'll ask him what he's in the mood for. There's sushi, and chipotle (what the fuck, not gonna take him there, lol), Bar Louie, Friday's pizza places, sandwich palces, Panera Break- noodles and co is not an option. There's more than enough it's just for some reason I want to impress him? Is that even possible? It's too early on. I know he's not familiar with the area. I wish he was so that I wouldn't have to make sure that I show him the best of everything. In a way I love doing that, and in another I hate it. I'm mainly worried a bit about dinner. The rest we can figure out. There's parks and the movie theater. The poor child can't even go into a bar, so I think that's maybe this is why this is so hard for me. I'm used to meeting up at the bar. Fuck. I want him to think I am good enough and that I have class, taste, and style.
There is an asian restaurant a couple of doors down from where I am now. He would like that, if he's in the mood for asian. If not, flat top grill is here and a couple of Greek restaurants. If all else fails, I'm taking his ass to Panera Bread and calling it a fucking day. I'm not gonna keep stressing myself out over having a fucking meal with a boy. I'm not taking him, he's bringing himself. And he's not getting to know the food, he's getting to know ME, dammit. And I am worth it. I am a great time. I just hope that my hair looks really good tomorrow. One of the reasons I want to tell my mom is in case my hair is in need of touch ups!!!!! #selfish
How is it that I can write lesbian erotica but say that I'd be disappointed if my son or daughter were gay? How could I want anything but gay children if I am comfortable publishing and sharing this kind of work? It doesn't make sense because it's hypocrtical.
This is something that has been in the back of my mind- when I do dishes when I talk to my mom, when I read my email.
I think I may take a different direction with Moan Joan. It may be an offensive one though. It would show Romy and Joan's love to not be love at all but an experimental affair of convenience. Maybe that's all I see gay love as- fickle phases and pornography. That's actually exactly right. That is what I think. As annoying as it is, I think each person has an innate desire to be with the opposite sex. Anything other is a disorder, I believe, instilled before birth. I think spirits can come in and corrupt unprotected wombs ad fetuses.
I know that in this world, I'd be hated for my opinions if I ever shared them. I know that I have before, but that was many years ago, when people were still more accepting of opposing ideals.
I guess I just wanted to unload since I don't have anyone open-minded and non-judgemental to speak to. Not even college can provide much of that for me anymore. I feel as though everyone has their own agenda to push and that opposition is swiftly punished in one way or another. I've become a pariah with certain groups of people for less.
I hate living at school. I'm really glad to be in the city for now, for the summer. I honestly don't want to go back. I wouldn't mind working on getting on a better job and collecting money at Noodles and Co in the mean time.
I will not even re-read this entry because it pains me to see that my ideals are so antiquated- but this is just who I am. It cannot be "helped". It cannot be changed.
I am going to meet up with Evan tomorrow. Although we met on FetLife, the idea of seeing him seems so innocent and normal. I'll probably definitely tell my mom. I'll say that I met him from Plenty of Fish or something of that nature, because, well, I'm not going to tell her about FetLife just yet. It's something I wouldn't mind talking to her about if I didn't have my own profile. She can certainly stomach and understand it as a website, but I don't think I'd want her to know how active I was on there just a matter of weeks ago. And if I do tell her about FetLife's existence, she'll never believe that I wasn't apart of it. Otherwise, why mention it? My mother is far too smart for that.
Anyway, going to walk home soon and perhaps think of places to take Evan. He wants to go to dinner- fancy, right? I wthought he'd say perhaps a late lunch, but he asked me to dinner. I don't think it's a date, I think it's just two people having dinner. Our birthdays are on the same day, exactly one year apart. How exciting. I always said that I wanted to date and end up with someone exactly like myself, but I feel as though our birthdays may be our only grand similiarity.
I'll ask him what he's in the mood for. There's sushi, and chipotle (what the fuck, not gonna take him there, lol), Bar Louie, Friday's pizza places, sandwich palces, Panera Break- noodles and co is not an option. There's more than enough it's just for some reason I want to impress him? Is that even possible? It's too early on. I know he's not familiar with the area. I wish he was so that I wouldn't have to make sure that I show him the best of everything. In a way I love doing that, and in another I hate it. I'm mainly worried a bit about dinner. The rest we can figure out. There's parks and the movie theater. The poor child can't even go into a bar, so I think that's maybe this is why this is so hard for me. I'm used to meeting up at the bar. Fuck. I want him to think I am good enough and that I have class, taste, and style.
There is an asian restaurant a couple of doors down from where I am now. He would like that, if he's in the mood for asian. If not, flat top grill is here and a couple of Greek restaurants. If all else fails, I'm taking his ass to Panera Bread and calling it a fucking day. I'm not gonna keep stressing myself out over having a fucking meal with a boy. I'm not taking him, he's bringing himself. And he's not getting to know the food, he's getting to know ME, dammit. And I am worth it. I am a great time. I just hope that my hair looks really good tomorrow. One of the reasons I want to tell my mom is in case my hair is in need of touch ups!!!!! #selfish