D.o.G. Delusions of Grandeur
I am almost done with what I told myself was going to be it. Two years of community college and I will have enough money saved up to start thinking about other colleges. Two years of taking care of my mother and letting her hold onto that simple hope that she wont be alone. Two years and where am I now? I owe four thousand dollars to my mother somehow. I lock myself in my room just so we dont have to argue. I dont eat or drink anything unless its before she wakes up or after she falls asleep. When I do find myself in need to leave the home for things such as work and school, I find myself in arguments that lead no where. Questions fill the air of where my money is. Its funny that we have a mutual understanding that I am home because we need to save the money. She says she wants me to do well in school, and by staying home I dont have to worry about money. But yet here I am, fulfilling her needs and working as much as I can. She says "dont work so much, you are at home to not worry about money". Then goes on a rant of how she cant afford the medical bill, and how she needs my checks. When I want to save money for myself she says we dont have the money for me to be saving. So Ive converted to a part time student to work full time hours with no benefits. So how does she expect me to move on? Not only am I too lazy to motivate myself to do better in school, but I lack everything I need to succeed at life. I have the hardest time trying to socialize. I sit at home and play a game to forget about all the drama that feels like it will burst through the walls at any second. Ive lost the few friends that I can remember. Sure I still have friends, but honestly friends that you talk to once every so often cant really be considered friends. I used to think they could, but that was just me making excuses. Excuses that would make me feel better about myself. I used to have friends I hung out with more than once in a while, but gave it up on principles that I dont even know if I agree with. Saying no to drinking and being around that influence was perhaps the worst choice I have made. I excluded myself from the only people who would associate with me. Now I stalk them through facebook to see pictures of people who are happy. That is where I went wrong. I believed whole-heartedly that I didnt want to be around people who drank all the time. I realize now that all that really matters is being happy. That happiness may have not come from drinking but it definately came from being around people. Ive texted, emailed, and even called a few people recently only to recieve rejection. Rejection is what its all about. I cant sing without shaking. I cant write a paper without feeling inadequate. I cant even walk around without feeling like someone is judging me. I am failing at something in someones eyes. I had times when I felt like I had accomplished so much only for it to be ripped at the seams. I started on the B team as left guard: why wasnt I on the A team. I won countless races in swimming and was the anchor on the relays: she was never there. I had trombone solos and won awards galore: I was seen as a fag. I get into district: "you should be working". I get a good part in a play: she sits at home watching TV. I start working 30+ hours since the age of 15: Its still not enough. I am one of seven kids(that passed) out of fifty-two who took the certification class to fix computers: She doesnt even care. And though blame shouldnt be laid on rejections doorstep, I cant help but feel like a failure at anything I do. I am missing so many different fundamental skills, its sickening. I dont know how to write a check. I dont know how to use an account. I dont know how to bring my car to the dealership. I dont even know how to pay for gas without using a card. Everywhere I go I am faced with things I dont know how to do. I ask her how, and all I get is rejection. I am supposed to know everything. I feel afraid of everything I do. How I talk, walk and react. I am twenty years old and I cant function. I dont know what I want to do with my life and at this rate I will be working until I die. I dont want to waste the last few years working when I should be out enjoying life. I find myself trapped in mystical places. Taking walks in the freezing cold. Driving to chicago just to see the sunset. Beauty. Its out there. I live in a fairy tale where I tell myself things are okay, because I see the truth. I see the beauty in life. Excuses. Just more excuses I make to con myself into believing. Believing that its okay not to have friends. That its okay to sit at home and wrap myself in a game. To forget. Forget the pain. Forget that I am physically and socially inept. Im told that I should just be myself, but who is that? How do I act myself when all I am is lost? Im twenty years old and I havent even had a girl who has been interested in me. I move from crush to crush and all it is, is a dream. Unobtainable. Delusional. So deluded as to believe that telling them I like them does anything. Every girl Ive ever liked knows that I have liked them, and everytime its the same thing. Distance. Why do I persist on truth, when I know it leads to distance? Cause I dont know anything but honesty. Brutal honesty. Fat. Unreliable. Lazy. Never. Good. Enough. Its funny when you try to talk about what you feel and it gets construed into a simple solve. Try. All you need to do is try. Break down those barriers that keep you barred inside for so long and just try. Try to forget that money is an issue. Try to forget the reoccurring themes of rejection. Its even funnier when blame is set at your door for the problems. I know its my fault. I know I am the only one that can change anything that is wrong with me. Fear drives me to hide. How can I live like this? Only a portion of my life has been experienced. And what Ive experienced scares me. How can you keep going when every step scares you. How do you keep pushing forward when you have no one by your side? Someone to fail with? Someone to push forward with? Fear. Seems like your my only friend right now.