Who I am hates who I've been
Okay.
I have been thinking.
Yep.
It's been a weird 6 months. I've felt a lot of things.
I know if you're upset and you just stay in a lot, you always see that person in your mind. There's nothing to take it off, the edge.
But how can you even explain that when things are okay,
like:
you're in a movie theater,
eating a burger,
curled up on the couch reading,
playing smash with your best friend,
that it still all comes back to you. Sometimes it's not even painful.
I'm feeling a lot of things.
But don't anyone get it wrong,
because if they came to me tomorrow, and said they needed help,
I would probably do it.
Because the last five years, I have really, really been in love. For better or worse. Even though everyone hated you and us and stuff. It didn't used to be that way though, some people were FINE with you. And stuff happens, like you lying and me finding out =\ we played that game a lot. You stuggling doing the stuff you wanted while all the while trying not to let me know, not to disappoint or hurt me. Everyday with you, whether it was BAD or crazy, made me closer with you. You used to make me safe.
You were a good guy, a friend, someone to fucking get it and all my stupid thoughts. I can't really talk to people. Not REALLY. I used to feel like I could with you, Like even if I knew I was being silly about something, I knew you were listening. and You got this concerned look on your face and..I really felt like a some point, you cared a whole fucking lot. and. I don't know if you're sorry for hurting me.
I don't know if you even know that you broke my heart all those years, and I tried to hard to fix it with you.
You see that?
WITH YOU. I could of moved on, way long ago, 2005 long ago. But I didn't. I don't know if it was fate for me to get hurt, for you to move on. For my little love story to wither. I don't know.
I'm just saying, if you were at all the guy you were when we first met,
the guy that I spent up my nights till like, 2 or 3 talking to,
the qfc runs, the naps, the laser shows...
I would want to be yours again. Whether it be NOW or 5 years or fucking 10 even
I know this sounds so fucking gay, so homo and just STUPID but I really felt like I was made to be in your arms =[
and I feel like you genuinely liked me too, I don't think you were just like "meh" about it.
Everything with you was intense. It was on fire 24/7, and I liked it because I liked you, hell. I like the surprise that someone could make me so angry and dumb and happy. I see how jealous I was, protective, as if I wanted nothing at all tainted. but that ship set sail.
i obessessvily check my phone. no calls. no texts. it's like i am anticpating to say FUCK YOU and i love you all at once. just a "hi" from you would fuck my head up. you're the only person to do that. how. how is it possible. we're all just sacks of skin right, some nerves and blood and brains. How can one person make everything different? How can one person tear everything apart. I have dreams of you. I think so anyway, i hear stuff like your voice and I look and it's some other person. Some fucking face; meaningless and lost but then i think how am I any different.... I'm not? am i really.
"I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,
I think I saw you in my dreams you were
Stitching up the seams on every broken promise
That your body couldn't keep.
I think I saw you in my sleep.
I thought I heard the door open, oh no,
I thought I heard the door open but
I only heard it close.
I thought I heard a plane crashing, but
Now I think it was your passion snapping."
I don't know.
everyone is like. planting thoughts in my head. and whispering it, hoping it will creep into my brain, and those thoughts will re-program the way my brain functions. yeah.
i don't like being the 'dumb' girl. the one that just needs a reality check and doesn't trust men.
i listen to random bands, that kinda speak my language of incoherent ramblings over someone very very special.
you're mean but you're great at the same time, when you're not putting up an act. that's why i liked you. because like you weren't this stupid guy that never let a tear shed or stupid boy code shit. you made me mixed tapes and meowed back at me and poked me and cried and were a friend to me, not just a boyfriend, you were a combination.
i want to meet the girl i would be if i never met you. if i would still be fucked up. if someone different would mess me up.
i remember you saying if i were out of your life, then it wouldn't be the same. but i think things are okay with you i think.
like I said, I don't know if I just have it twisted, if all these songs I listen to just remind me of all the good times. I know there will be other girls if there aren't already, I know I'm not as cool or as beautiful as you liked, I know...all this bad stuff in the way, but I loved you. I miss the old you, period, I miss my old friend and ...sigh. I just needed to get this out, because I want to be as honest, and REAL and compassionate as I was in the beginning, when we first met, when I first really really changed my life.
I lock everything in everyday just so I can fall on my bed at night, breathe in breathe out. Think. Nothing's good but nothings bad anymore. But I'm so fucking sick of it. So tired of it, whatever it is. and it's like a relief to be on your bed but it doesn't really help, and you have to be strong. the weak don't survive. the weak don't mope about high school and old lovers and dimples and warm hands and steady heartbeats. everyone is supposed to be strong, a warrior, rawr nothing can hurt me because I'm on guard. But that's such fucking bullshit and inaccurate. How false and stupid and fragile. I know you're fragile. I've seen it. But I miss it, and I miss us. Sometimes it won't be fixed or can't, but I am so tired of telling people how I feel and feeling guilty because I know a 'strong' person marches on without someone that's hurt them. What's real? To lie to yourself and convince yourself they never existed? Or just. take time. and think. and think if this person died, if a part of your voice and soul could never talk again.
I have been thinking.
Yep.
It's been a weird 6 months. I've felt a lot of things.
I know if you're upset and you just stay in a lot, you always see that person in your mind. There's nothing to take it off, the edge.
But how can you even explain that when things are okay,
like:
you're in a movie theater,
eating a burger,
curled up on the couch reading,
playing smash with your best friend,
that it still all comes back to you. Sometimes it's not even painful.
I'm feeling a lot of things.
But don't anyone get it wrong,
because if they came to me tomorrow, and said they needed help,
I would probably do it.
Because the last five years, I have really, really been in love. For better or worse. Even though everyone hated you and us and stuff. It didn't used to be that way though, some people were FINE with you. And stuff happens, like you lying and me finding out =\ we played that game a lot. You stuggling doing the stuff you wanted while all the while trying not to let me know, not to disappoint or hurt me. Everyday with you, whether it was BAD or crazy, made me closer with you. You used to make me safe.
You were a good guy, a friend, someone to fucking get it and all my stupid thoughts. I can't really talk to people. Not REALLY. I used to feel like I could with you, Like even if I knew I was being silly about something, I knew you were listening. and You got this concerned look on your face and..I really felt like a some point, you cared a whole fucking lot. and. I don't know if you're sorry for hurting me.
I don't know if you even know that you broke my heart all those years, and I tried to hard to fix it with you.
You see that?
WITH YOU. I could of moved on, way long ago, 2005 long ago. But I didn't. I don't know if it was fate for me to get hurt, for you to move on. For my little love story to wither. I don't know.
I'm just saying, if you were at all the guy you were when we first met,
the guy that I spent up my nights till like, 2 or 3 talking to,
the qfc runs, the naps, the laser shows...
I would want to be yours again. Whether it be NOW or 5 years or fucking 10 even
I know this sounds so fucking gay, so homo and just STUPID but I really felt like I was made to be in your arms =[
and I feel like you genuinely liked me too, I don't think you were just like "meh" about it.
Everything with you was intense. It was on fire 24/7, and I liked it because I liked you, hell. I like the surprise that someone could make me so angry and dumb and happy. I see how jealous I was, protective, as if I wanted nothing at all tainted. but that ship set sail.
i obessessvily check my phone. no calls. no texts. it's like i am anticpating to say FUCK YOU and i love you all at once. just a "hi" from you would fuck my head up. you're the only person to do that. how. how is it possible. we're all just sacks of skin right, some nerves and blood and brains. How can one person make everything different? How can one person tear everything apart. I have dreams of you. I think so anyway, i hear stuff like your voice and I look and it's some other person. Some fucking face; meaningless and lost but then i think how am I any different.... I'm not? am i really.
"I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,
I think I saw you in my dreams you were
Stitching up the seams on every broken promise
That your body couldn't keep.
I think I saw you in my sleep.
I thought I heard the door open, oh no,
I thought I heard the door open but
I only heard it close.
I thought I heard a plane crashing, but
Now I think it was your passion snapping."
I don't know.
everyone is like. planting thoughts in my head. and whispering it, hoping it will creep into my brain, and those thoughts will re-program the way my brain functions. yeah.
i don't like being the 'dumb' girl. the one that just needs a reality check and doesn't trust men.
i listen to random bands, that kinda speak my language of incoherent ramblings over someone very very special.
you're mean but you're great at the same time, when you're not putting up an act. that's why i liked you. because like you weren't this stupid guy that never let a tear shed or stupid boy code shit. you made me mixed tapes and meowed back at me and poked me and cried and were a friend to me, not just a boyfriend, you were a combination.
i want to meet the girl i would be if i never met you. if i would still be fucked up. if someone different would mess me up.
i remember you saying if i were out of your life, then it wouldn't be the same. but i think things are okay with you i think.
like I said, I don't know if I just have it twisted, if all these songs I listen to just remind me of all the good times. I know there will be other girls if there aren't already, I know I'm not as cool or as beautiful as you liked, I know...all this bad stuff in the way, but I loved you. I miss the old you, period, I miss my old friend and ...sigh. I just needed to get this out, because I want to be as honest, and REAL and compassionate as I was in the beginning, when we first met, when I first really really changed my life.
I lock everything in everyday just so I can fall on my bed at night, breathe in breathe out. Think. Nothing's good but nothings bad anymore. But I'm so fucking sick of it. So tired of it, whatever it is. and it's like a relief to be on your bed but it doesn't really help, and you have to be strong. the weak don't survive. the weak don't mope about high school and old lovers and dimples and warm hands and steady heartbeats. everyone is supposed to be strong, a warrior, rawr nothing can hurt me because I'm on guard. But that's such fucking bullshit and inaccurate. How false and stupid and fragile. I know you're fragile. I've seen it. But I miss it, and I miss us. Sometimes it won't be fixed or can't, but I am so tired of telling people how I feel and feeling guilty because I know a 'strong' person marches on without someone that's hurt them. What's real? To lie to yourself and convince yourself they never existed? Or just. take time. and think. and think if this person died, if a part of your voice and soul could never talk again.