cancer.
This past year has really hit home for me.
Yesterday, I found out one of my classmates died of leukemia after battling it for over a year.
I guess it sucks, and it made me think. About what happened Sept. 11 2005
I never went to the hospital itself where the chemo was done, but I could see the toll if took on him.
I'm imaging it, feeling it, living in it still.
I am so angry. For telling people things. I'm not one to spill my guts and all that shit, so it's...hard, to know all the things I said about my Dad, about cancer, about my mom and drugs, don't matter because we're not friends, we're not anything anymore. It's not even just that. I am so angry I told anyone in the first place. What the fuck do they care?
THEY DON'T. It's a terrible story to hear, but I don't think they care. I know they don't. Sometimes, I think about how they said that they would always be there, and I am wondering if that offer is still up. In my fantasy world, it does, and we reconnect. I know it's not like that, won't be like that, but I'm on the verge of losing myself and getting panic attacks. I remember them saying they wanted to be better for themselves and for me, but I saw the evidence that said otherwise. It's none of my business. I'm just disappointed and try to blame myself.
I feel stupid for being there for people even if we're on bad terms. They don't owe me anything, I don't owe them anything. I don't know.
I know they never did, but I'm just saying...it would of been...so nice...and helped me...if they came to my appointments.
Ashley;s story makes me think about my condition, and about what if I start a journey like hers. I haven't been feeling good, I don't know if I'm just depressed or what, but I go through periods of not being able to ate, or shower or do anything because I don't have the strength. I just feel sick. I know the tumors are growing, I know they can turn into cancer. It's so disgusting to see the bulging tumor, sticking out and feel my spine basically feel like it's being electrocuted from where the tumor is on my back. I'm in pain a lot, physical, emotional, and psychological. I say psychological because i Have nightmares where I have cancer, and the specialists finding a tumor in my brain. I see my hair, falling out, I feel the pain and weakness and stomach aches from the chemo in the dream. It scares me so much, and I wish I could feel like you loved me like you used to, and made me feel like you cared and loved me, to the same level as yourself. The pain I get is daily, and I don't know what to do. I am scared. When he first died, in my dream the night before the service, his hair was slowly ...growing back. He didn't have it anymore, he didn't have cancer.
I can't function normally. I have secrets, so much. That I can't, I won't tell to anyone.
I am so scared, so haunted. I blame myself for this disease. Maybe it's karma? Was this born inside me? Did it grow? Or did it just decide that I needed a lesson. I am going through so much, and I wish...expectations met with reality. I have these stupid thoughts and visions. I HATE myself. I wanted children but I could not bear the pain of them having this or risking it. I am giving up some of my dreams because of this, I am, i swear I am.. it's just so bad to be told there is something wrong and dangerous growing inside you and you're so shocked you can't say anything.
I dont feel like opening up to any strangers, the people i've told are enough, they used it agianst me too much that I dont think I can handle for another person to casually toss me aside. I wish I was casual about things, jeez. what i would give to make it seem like I dont give a shit. But i guess showing your whole heart and face is something that someone might love, and then maybe love me altogether completely too.
I love my sister so much it hurts, I think I would be dead without her. She's everything, and I hope that once i go to the doctor, get my MRI's and maybe some more blood work done, that she will be with me. I can't expect anyone else to. If they want to, they'll come.
From what I have learned in life, you only lose someone if you let it happen.
Love,
ashley
Yesterday, I found out one of my classmates died of leukemia after battling it for over a year.
I guess it sucks, and it made me think. About what happened Sept. 11 2005
I never went to the hospital itself where the chemo was done, but I could see the toll if took on him.
I'm imaging it, feeling it, living in it still.
I am so angry. For telling people things. I'm not one to spill my guts and all that shit, so it's...hard, to know all the things I said about my Dad, about cancer, about my mom and drugs, don't matter because we're not friends, we're not anything anymore. It's not even just that. I am so angry I told anyone in the first place. What the fuck do they care?
THEY DON'T. It's a terrible story to hear, but I don't think they care. I know they don't. Sometimes, I think about how they said that they would always be there, and I am wondering if that offer is still up. In my fantasy world, it does, and we reconnect. I know it's not like that, won't be like that, but I'm on the verge of losing myself and getting panic attacks. I remember them saying they wanted to be better for themselves and for me, but I saw the evidence that said otherwise. It's none of my business. I'm just disappointed and try to blame myself.
I feel stupid for being there for people even if we're on bad terms. They don't owe me anything, I don't owe them anything. I don't know.
I know they never did, but I'm just saying...it would of been...so nice...and helped me...if they came to my appointments.
Ashley;s story makes me think about my condition, and about what if I start a journey like hers. I haven't been feeling good, I don't know if I'm just depressed or what, but I go through periods of not being able to ate, or shower or do anything because I don't have the strength. I just feel sick. I know the tumors are growing, I know they can turn into cancer. It's so disgusting to see the bulging tumor, sticking out and feel my spine basically feel like it's being electrocuted from where the tumor is on my back. I'm in pain a lot, physical, emotional, and psychological. I say psychological because i Have nightmares where I have cancer, and the specialists finding a tumor in my brain. I see my hair, falling out, I feel the pain and weakness and stomach aches from the chemo in the dream. It scares me so much, and I wish I could feel like you loved me like you used to, and made me feel like you cared and loved me, to the same level as yourself. The pain I get is daily, and I don't know what to do. I am scared. When he first died, in my dream the night before the service, his hair was slowly ...growing back. He didn't have it anymore, he didn't have cancer.
I can't function normally. I have secrets, so much. That I can't, I won't tell to anyone.
I am so scared, so haunted. I blame myself for this disease. Maybe it's karma? Was this born inside me? Did it grow? Or did it just decide that I needed a lesson. I am going through so much, and I wish...expectations met with reality. I have these stupid thoughts and visions. I HATE myself. I wanted children but I could not bear the pain of them having this or risking it. I am giving up some of my dreams because of this, I am, i swear I am.. it's just so bad to be told there is something wrong and dangerous growing inside you and you're so shocked you can't say anything.
I dont feel like opening up to any strangers, the people i've told are enough, they used it agianst me too much that I dont think I can handle for another person to casually toss me aside. I wish I was casual about things, jeez. what i would give to make it seem like I dont give a shit. But i guess showing your whole heart and face is something that someone might love, and then maybe love me altogether completely too.
I love my sister so much it hurts, I think I would be dead without her. She's everything, and I hope that once i go to the doctor, get my MRI's and maybe some more blood work done, that she will be with me. I can't expect anyone else to. If they want to, they'll come.
From what I have learned in life, you only lose someone if you let it happen.
Love,
ashley