it's stupid
Just one to many times, I think I have been pushed.
It's been 2 weeks since we've talked. Period. There's been times without awkward silences, phone calls and text messages, but those have lasted 3 days. Max.
I guess it's hitting me that it's really over, that everything we had is over, gone, stupid, ancient history.
Every night, I lay in bed and my mind says, "He never loved you he never loved you he never loved you.." over and over again until it numbs me.
I try to listen to laid-back chill songs, The Shins, Modest Mouse, The Strokes, but they are just telling me to get over it, and it's weird.
I actually feel like you never cared, never loved me. I think you were confused, maybe you loved what I represented to you, maybe you liked the fact that I don't give up on people, and that I am truly interested someone when they are my friend.
Sometimes, my mind goes, Oh Ashley,yes he did.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I felt like he did. I don't remember the last time I felt loved by him, like he geniuenally cared. I have dealt with so much school, family, and medical drama this year, as well as my family still not having a service for my grandmother. I have felt really alone, I feel like I am losing my youth to this disease, my spirit. And this person, that I have really, embarassingly enough, loved more than even myself, is gone. There are so many times where I curled up in the shower crying because of that guy, but there was also so many good times, the sunsets and ferries and icecream and chill grunge music, and the musky smell of his room.
I don't want this chapter without him to go on. Maybe I am retarded for feeling like that, but all of me feels empty. I do not feel like Ashley. I am reverting back to the 13 year old girl I was before I met him.
I wish I could start over with him, try to pinpoint and convince myself it was all my fault.
but a big part of my heart says, No, it wasn't your fault. You tried so hard, gave up so much, didn't take, loved this kid with every fiber in you, more than anything.
And the stupid thing is, I loved him flaws and all. I loved how easily distracted he got, I loved that he didn't know anything about cats, even though it was annoying, in my head, I still could say, aw I still love this kid.
I probably haven't been more hurt than anyone in this world than him, more lonely and desperate for affection and a shred of attention and love. that's what makes me so angry.
He can go on easily pretending i never existed. In a way, I guess it makes it easier for me to believe that. Maybe one day I will actually believe nothing between us existed, United States of Leland, the overflowing dishwasher and laser shows and electric moments? Never happened.
Every song reminds me of him. And he he not thinking of me, probably already hanging out with some girls. I didn't get treated right, I wasn't done right, but I still believed if I was a kind and loving person it would pay off.
Sometimes it takes a second to realize maybe it wasn't such a good idea, maybe a couple or 5 years. Maybe never. I haven't come to that part yet. I am still in love, I am still hurting, and I am still wondering what went wrong, and here alone.
It's been 2 weeks since we've talked. Period. There's been times without awkward silences, phone calls and text messages, but those have lasted 3 days. Max.
I guess it's hitting me that it's really over, that everything we had is over, gone, stupid, ancient history.
Every night, I lay in bed and my mind says, "He never loved you he never loved you he never loved you.." over and over again until it numbs me.
I try to listen to laid-back chill songs, The Shins, Modest Mouse, The Strokes, but they are just telling me to get over it, and it's weird.
I actually feel like you never cared, never loved me. I think you were confused, maybe you loved what I represented to you, maybe you liked the fact that I don't give up on people, and that I am truly interested someone when they are my friend.
Sometimes, my mind goes, Oh Ashley,yes he did.
Somewhere along the line, maybe I felt like he did. I don't remember the last time I felt loved by him, like he geniuenally cared. I have dealt with so much school, family, and medical drama this year, as well as my family still not having a service for my grandmother. I have felt really alone, I feel like I am losing my youth to this disease, my spirit. And this person, that I have really, embarassingly enough, loved more than even myself, is gone. There are so many times where I curled up in the shower crying because of that guy, but there was also so many good times, the sunsets and ferries and icecream and chill grunge music, and the musky smell of his room.
I don't want this chapter without him to go on. Maybe I am retarded for feeling like that, but all of me feels empty. I do not feel like Ashley. I am reverting back to the 13 year old girl I was before I met him.
I wish I could start over with him, try to pinpoint and convince myself it was all my fault.
but a big part of my heart says, No, it wasn't your fault. You tried so hard, gave up so much, didn't take, loved this kid with every fiber in you, more than anything.
And the stupid thing is, I loved him flaws and all. I loved how easily distracted he got, I loved that he didn't know anything about cats, even though it was annoying, in my head, I still could say, aw I still love this kid.
I probably haven't been more hurt than anyone in this world than him, more lonely and desperate for affection and a shred of attention and love. that's what makes me so angry.
He can go on easily pretending i never existed. In a way, I guess it makes it easier for me to believe that. Maybe one day I will actually believe nothing between us existed, United States of Leland, the overflowing dishwasher and laser shows and electric moments? Never happened.
Every song reminds me of him. And he he not thinking of me, probably already hanging out with some girls. I didn't get treated right, I wasn't done right, but I still believed if I was a kind and loving person it would pay off.
Sometimes it takes a second to realize maybe it wasn't such a good idea, maybe a couple or 5 years. Maybe never. I haven't come to that part yet. I am still in love, I am still hurting, and I am still wondering what went wrong, and here alone.