that DAMN story chapter 20
Chapter Twenty: Big Debt and First Kiss
Ame sighed. Five minutes ago, she had been ready to quit, and now she was starting to feel the breath of life in her soul again, for the first time in months. Shadow said,
“Now that you seem to have stopped being fatalistic for the time being, I would like to apologize for being so stupid. Because I was, indeed, very foolish.” Ame smiled slightly, and replied,
“And I am sorry that I am stupid enough to break down as far as I have. No, Shadow, I haven't put up the mask again. It's just that there's nothing like making me laugh at myself to get me out of a depression, at least temporarily. So, I assume you want your room back?”
Shadow stared at Ame. It certainly seemed that her mask had come back on, from her words... but, looking into her eyes, he realized that the pain was still in her face, very much so. She was trying to push it away, he realized, long enough so that he could leave before she let herself feel it again. As much as he felt he deserved to see what he had wrought, she believed he didn't deserve to feel any more guilt than he already did. Shadow tentatively took a step towards her, and, not being blocked by her shields, took three more, until he was standing in front of her. After a quick, affirmative nod of her head, he sat on the bed beside her, and simply looked into her eyes, judging her reaction.
“Shadow,” Ame said his name softly, conveying a warmth in the two syllables that he wouldn't have guessed she could have felt. He tentatively placed his hand on hers, and when he wasn't resisted, held it gently. She laid her head on his shoulder, seemingly uncaring of the nakedness of her body or their proximity; there was no reaction in her aura that would indicate that she knew what she was doing. Shadow, however, felt a pleasant, warm rush in his body from her touch.
'What?' he thought to himself, 'after all this time, am I...?' Yes, he was. It wasn't that hot loud flood of hormones that had swarmed him when he had been with Yurei, it was a slow, pleasant feeling that spread through him. 'If this had happened six months ago,' he thought to himself, 'she would have been overjoyed. She never would have dreamed of my being attracted back to her. But, now...' He sighed. He had betrayed her, essentially, and it would be difficult for her to allow herself to trust him... once she came out of this emotional storm she was in. It was now, while her walls were still down, that he should take the chance, or he'd never get it again.
He lifted her chin up, and looked in her eyes. There was initially shock, and then fear in her expression. She looked at his aura. She sat up, and pulled away from him, her eyes disbelieving.
“No...” she fidgeted a bit, refusing to look in his eyes. “You're fucking playing with me, I know you are!” She started to pull her shields up but Shadow pushed his own shields around her, making hers bounce off of his. Shadow forced her to look into his eyes, and he said,
“My aura isn't going to lie to you, and you can tell just as well as I do that the last of that spell has broken off. Ame, I don't want to hurt you again. I think I've already lost you forever, and I am hoping that I am wrong. Ame, am I wrong?” Ame sighed, and closed her eyes. There, at his touch, was her own aura -damn it to hell- reacting in the same way his was, betraying that yes, she still wanted him. Physically, at least.
There had been an apology scene with Charlie, she remembered. More than one, where he had begged her not to dump him and said that he didn't want to lose her. Shadow hadn't said some of the key things Charlie had said that showed an unhealthy obsession; nor was he acting too needy. It was all up to her, in other words. Ignoring what her body wanted, she looked inward. She wanted desperately to just fall into his arms, to trust him, and to love him. But there were six months of hurt and loneliness to consider, and they weren't to be taken too lightly. But after a moment she knew that she wasn't going to be able to put up her walls against him again, and acquiesced to her need. She said,
“Shadow... I... never stopped loving you. I guess... that's the truth of the matter.”
Shadow took her and held her close to him for a moment, allowing himself to feel the touch of her skin against his hands. He then kissed her lightly on the mouth, his breath warming the vampire's skin momentarily. She shivered, and kissed him back, just as lightly, but it was obvious that she was using a lot of self control; the aura around her was stiff from her mental hold on it. Shadow asked,
“Are you still holding back from me, Ame? What do you still fear?” Ame stiffened, and looked down. Shadow still held her, waiting for her to say something, which he knew she would.
“Even when I was alive the first time, I... was averse to sex. I got the occasional crush just like the next girl, but it was like I was mentally blocked from allowing myself to act on it. And after Charlie... I wanted nothing to do with the process; as much as I didn't want to be alone, the thought of being trapped in another relationship like that one stopped me from even attempting to restart my search for a soul-mate. And then with the X-realm being the way it is, it eventually got to the point where nothing was sacred; in every way I could be violated, I was, and there was nothing special to the whole operation of sex anymore.” Shadow smirked, he saw where this was going. Ame sighed at his smirk, and nodded with a slight smile, saying,
“Yes, you know what I'm about to say. And then you showed up. I heard that call from Maria, and nearly cried out from shock. I met her on level 2- the soul plane- and told her that I was willing to answer the call.” Ame frowned, a look of regret in her eyes, and continued, “I told her what this place was like; I told her what it had done to me and what it had done to others who had been reborn here, I tried to get it through to her that this place was dangerous.” Shadow could imagine how the conversation between the two girls had gone. Maria, the paragon of innocence, would have difficulty comprehending the severity of the danger that Ame was trying to convey. Ame said,
“But, she told me that I was the only one that had answered her call that could actually pull it off; that you deserved a second chance, etc... And that she could somehow tell that I had a lot more interest in this than I was showing; she basically told me she knew that I cared a lot more about you than I was saying. That little girl is perceptive, dammit.” Shadow laughed, and replied,
“Indeed, she is... if we are to talk about her in the present tense...” Ame replied,
“Of course we are; it's not like you'll never see her again.” Shadow asked, surprised,
“What? I will? But, how?” Ame replied seriously,
“If she made that call after she had already died, it's likely that she'll be able to come to you at some point. Actually, I'm surprised she hasn't already, with the close bond you two had.” Ame's eyes narrowed in thought for a moment, and then she added,
“Well, I'm not all that surprised, now that I think about it. The Council has gotten much stronger, and they've gotten good at preventing things like that from happening. Something has got to be done about this; if the A-realm's invading, that means the X-realm has weakened to a point where it'll be difficult for me to fix things... Goddammit, I'm already too weak to fix things as it is...” Ame buried her face into Shadow's warm jacket, not crying but on the verge of tears. Shadow lifted her head, and looked into her eyes, saying,
“You don't have to do it alone, Ame. Whatever your measure may be of my magical strength, we both know that I am much more stable than you are, and certainly that can be of use to you?” Ame slowly shook her head, and replied,
“Shadow, I'm not going to just use you like that. I've told you before, I refuse to get into that kind of debt to anyone.” Shadow shook his head, and replied,
“You have no choice in the matter, not if you want the X-realm to survive. You said that there are three forces that struggle for power in the X-realm... what happens if one of these forces disappears? Does that not lead into imbalance, and the eventual collapse of the system? I know this is the way that X-realm magic works; is it not the same way with the structure of the dimension itself?” Ame sighed, and nodded in affirmation. Shadow continued,
“Knowing this, and knowing that you are on the verge of falling apart, you won't grab the rope to save yourself and your world?” Ame replied,
“You're not just a rope, Shadow. You're not just a vessel for the future of the X-realm to be poured through, and neither am I, for that matter. You have needs and feelings of your own, and-”
Ame's protests were stopped by the kiss that Shadow laid on her lips, a kiss that was meant to be short and sweet, but one that mutated into something else quickly. Ame wrapped her slender arms around Shadow's neck, and kissed back, with a hot desperation that surprised both of them. The kiss ended after a few seconds, but it felt to the two as if it had lasted longer because of the feeling that went into it. They laid on the bed, and held each other for a few moments, finding a comfort in each other's arms that had been absent before that moment. Ame broke the silence.
“Shadow... what am I feeling? I don't think... I've ever felt this combination of emotions before.” Shadow kissed her forehead, and replied,
“Quit analyzing your feelings, and just feel them for once.” Ame replied,
“Funny thing for you to say, considering you haven't analyzed your feelings at all for the past six months. I'd rather be on this extreme of the line, thank you very much.” Shadow sighed. She would have to bring that up, wouldn't she? He knew he deserved it, but... Ame said after a moment,
“Shadow, if we have too many happy moments, we'll have to pay for them with sad moments.”
Shadow looked at her with incredulity, and asked,
“Don't you think we've already paid for them?” Ame looked at Shadow, eyes narrowed, and replied,
“I've certainly paid for them. You've spent the last six months gallivanting off with Yurei-san, so I don't know if that's exactly paying for happiness with sadness.” Shadow frowned, and replied,
“You're going to keep on bringing this up... for how long?” Ame replied,
“Until I do something equally stupid. Which will probably happen at some point, so don't worry. I want to just have a quiet, happy moment, but...”
Ame's eyes closed, and she said no more. She had reached the limit of her physical energy, and couldn't stay awake any longer. Shadow pulled the blanket over her, and stared at her sleeping form for a moment. She was so strong, and so vulnerable, both at the same time. She was so easily hurt, but forced herself to recover from it at an inhuman - well, considering she wasn't human - rate. She felt she owed him a debt, she said... he felt he owed her a greater one. He wondered if either of them would be able to pay it off.
Shadow eventually relaxed, and copied the vampire in her sleep.