(no subject)
Everybody seems so self consumed. This past week was no doubt the worst week ever for me and all I needed was somebody to be with. I don't even want to have to share my problems: I recieved some horrible medical news, my father almost had a heart attack and is under watch for some serious issues, my aunt's pregnancy is under some serious complications and they are going to induce labor two months early or she'll loose the baby, and every small thing that could go wrong has. I don't want to talk about any of that, but the stress and grief... I could have just used somebody's support; just somebody to make me feel slighty better whether we go out drinking or just sit on the couch together and not say a word. But I'm not near as important as the boyfriend of the week or sitting around on MySpace being an attention whore. The only friend I could even talk to [I love my dead gay best friend, Christian] had to work all week long.
There was always the alternative option: have sex to feel better. But no, my boyfriend comes home and goes to sleep one night, has a friend over the next, and then when I initiated things last night he says "why don't we go upstairs". I agreed. He falls asleep on me when he knows how bad I needed it. Goddammit. And forget talking to him about anything. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm depressed. All that matters is that I cook dinner and give him head when he wants it. I can't take that. I should be able to rely on at least my boyfriend to make me feel better.
My cousin Danny called today and even though I couldn't tell him about my problems, it was nice to talk. He's the only person in the world that I honestly love. Ever since I was a wee child, I've looked up to him. When he went off to the Marines it was really hard for me. I worried about him constantly and only heard from him occasionally; he was in special ops, so he couldn't reveal anything that was going on. I would have liked to see him today, but he's picking up his girlfriend from college in Virginia.
Point is, with all the problems I'm experiencing as late, it'd just be nice not to be alone 24/7. I'm either crying or letting my mind wander to the point of insanity. My OCD has been going crazy so I'm cleaning like mad. Then I decide none of it is good enough and trash the house. I've been gaining weight, so I've started to do lots of excersizing and I realize that I'm really out of practice. After only 25 push-ups, I decided I was finished. That's PATHETIC. I wish I had a car so I could go to the gym every day again... I felt best when I was in good phsyical condition, even if I had to take a break and just swim for an hour a day. Sure, I can - and have made it a goal to - at least excersize minus the equipment at the house, but somehow being alone and excersizing is even too much.
I guess I'm just bitching now, but I needed to let things out a bit, even if I'm not sharing the specifics. I have no intend on sharing those with anyone, its far too personal. In fact, don't ask me about any of this, please. But if you just want lay down next to me so I don't have to be alone, please do. I really need you. I don't care who you are anymore. Just don't leave me to myself. Please.
There was always the alternative option: have sex to feel better. But no, my boyfriend comes home and goes to sleep one night, has a friend over the next, and then when I initiated things last night he says "why don't we go upstairs". I agreed. He falls asleep on me when he knows how bad I needed it. Goddammit. And forget talking to him about anything. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm depressed. All that matters is that I cook dinner and give him head when he wants it. I can't take that. I should be able to rely on at least my boyfriend to make me feel better.
My cousin Danny called today and even though I couldn't tell him about my problems, it was nice to talk. He's the only person in the world that I honestly love. Ever since I was a wee child, I've looked up to him. When he went off to the Marines it was really hard for me. I worried about him constantly and only heard from him occasionally; he was in special ops, so he couldn't reveal anything that was going on. I would have liked to see him today, but he's picking up his girlfriend from college in Virginia.
Point is, with all the problems I'm experiencing as late, it'd just be nice not to be alone 24/7. I'm either crying or letting my mind wander to the point of insanity. My OCD has been going crazy so I'm cleaning like mad. Then I decide none of it is good enough and trash the house. I've been gaining weight, so I've started to do lots of excersizing and I realize that I'm really out of practice. After only 25 push-ups, I decided I was finished. That's PATHETIC. I wish I had a car so I could go to the gym every day again... I felt best when I was in good phsyical condition, even if I had to take a break and just swim for an hour a day. Sure, I can - and have made it a goal to - at least excersize minus the equipment at the house, but somehow being alone and excersizing is even too much.
I guess I'm just bitching now, but I needed to let things out a bit, even if I'm not sharing the specifics. I have no intend on sharing those with anyone, its far too personal. In fact, don't ask me about any of this, please. But if you just want lay down next to me so I don't have to be alone, please do. I really need you. I don't care who you are anymore. Just don't leave me to myself. Please.