what i have been up to
Not quite sure the best way to update about what has been going on in my life, but it seems curious minds want to know. Well, I said before that the American yin/yang will never allow me to be doing good, or doing bad for long, because they will always balance out. So I guess for awhile when I stopped updating things were doing good, and now they are doing bad.
For awhile things were good in Sac overall. I thought the town sucked, well… sacs. To make things better, I went and bought myself a nice car. A 2005 Dodge Stratus STX. I planned out how I was going to pay it off within a year. Cory came out for break and I it was really great to see a friend from back home.
Although I did not tell anyone at the time, I hated law school and did not have a desire to be a lawyer. I liked McGeorge and I liked some aspects of Law, but I did not like lawyering. I searched out things about the legal system and ways to combine my interests with lawyering to see if I could motivate myself to continue. All of the things I found interesting, I wanted to help and be involved in, just not in a lawyerly way.
My interests are just too theoretical I guess. I love studying the social construction of gays and straights, things like that. The interests I had would never be true issues in the legal system. I kept thinking back to a comment someone made when I was all happy because of my books that came in. The person said, “if those are your interests, why aren’t you in school for those?”
Everyone asks themselves in law school why they should be a lawyer, why they care about those issues, what they would rather do, etc. Sometimes it may be hard to see the answer, but usually one will come for someone who wants to be there. They will remember all those things that drove them to go to law school in the first place. I went to law school because I was not ready to deal with the fear of entering the “real” world and thought it was something that I would be good at. But while was there I was able to get over that fear more and developed a desire for independency.
That answer of why I wanted to be there, or even a lawyer never came. Each time I would feel a pang of an ignored desire to be in grad school doing something else. Fighting for housing and employment rights for transgendered people is a very important and necessary part of the legal system, but it is not what I wanted to do.
I finally decided that I would leave school at the end of the academic year in order to keep the loan money for the car payments. But my dad talked to my grandmother telling her I was a horrible, irresponsible, and dishonest person and if she co-signed she would go to bed every night hungry.
So I had to take my car back and had no more reason to stay in school.
I am sure it seems to some that since I am justifying something that does not need justification that there must be another reason. But I do have to justify it. So many people decided for me that law was right for me without using anything within me for input. Since I have left, I hear daily about how I need to go back and how much I disappointed my family by leaving. My mother still has not told people that I have left school and I dropped out in February.
My mother is also sick, so I came back to IL. I have known for awhile that my mother would not allow people to tell me about how she was doing while I was in school so that my grades would not be affected. Soon as I announced that I was leaving law school, family became more honest about my mothers situation. I found out that she has been lying about what the doctors tell her and trying to fix the situation so that we cannot go with her to the appointments.
She has also decided that she does not want to get the transplant that she needs. One of her great friends sister just got a bone marrow transplant and they have been sharing the information with my mother. My mother says she refuses to live like that and she wants to die instead. She says it is a matter of quality of life. She is tired of the meds, the appointments, getting her blood drawn and the like.
I accept that she has the right to opt out of a transplant if she wants to, but what pisses me off about the situation is that for a serious decision like that, I think that the person should sit the family down together and inform them and discuss it. My mother instead dropped the news by joking how she will be dead and not have to worry about things.
I suspect that a larger motivation in her not getting the transplant is money. I think she fears that she will use up all her money on medicines and taking time off for recovery, when if she dies instead she will have money to leave to everyone. She knows many people that left tons of debt when they died and all the money from their will went to paying off that debt and funeral costs instead.
So basically I had little reason to come home. I had wanted to be settled in a job and a place by the time she got the transplant so I could help take care of her while Brandon went off to college and tiffany went to school and took care of her baby.
The blasts that the doctors were waiting for to start the process have shown up in her blood, but they still say they want to try and have her wait to close to a year from now. I can’t even imagine how it would feel to have death hanging over your head in stasis for that long, but it still pisses me off, and I think my opinions are still valid, or am at least to have a say (remind you of the pro-choice debates?). She is now trying to decide if she is going to stop taking her medicines. If she is not getting the transplant, then all they are doing is prolonging her life, making her ill, and using up her money. They serve no positive purpose if she wills to die anyway.
Because of all her issues, she has been putting so much pressure on me to go back to law school, which I refuse to do. I think that is also the reason that she has been giving Brandon so much more than us of late. She has given tiffany and I many things over the course of our lives, but with Brandon being the youngest, he has naturally come last and not been around long enough to get all those things. So she bought him a 6k$ car and is trying to have him work out his college plans so she can get some money together. If she dies while he is so young, his memories will be of all the things that tiffany and I got, and then my mom opting for death and not being there for his graduation, wedding, or anything thing like that. So I suspect that she feels somewhat guilty for missed and will be missed opportunities and wants to make up for them.
I just started a new job at a law firm. A file clerk. It is not quite what I wanted, but it is a job and I am so grateful to Celesty for getting me the job since I had nothing. Hopefully I can do a good job and get promoted, or use it to find something else that is in my desired pay range.
Soon I will be getting an apt with Cory. We are just waiting for the time to be right instead of rushing into it, but that also keeps us from looking into things properly, because there it is just a waste of time to see all those places that will be gone by the time we are ready.
Well, I have more I could say, but I am done writing for now.
For awhile things were good in Sac overall. I thought the town sucked, well… sacs. To make things better, I went and bought myself a nice car. A 2005 Dodge Stratus STX. I planned out how I was going to pay it off within a year. Cory came out for break and I it was really great to see a friend from back home.
Although I did not tell anyone at the time, I hated law school and did not have a desire to be a lawyer. I liked McGeorge and I liked some aspects of Law, but I did not like lawyering. I searched out things about the legal system and ways to combine my interests with lawyering to see if I could motivate myself to continue. All of the things I found interesting, I wanted to help and be involved in, just not in a lawyerly way.
My interests are just too theoretical I guess. I love studying the social construction of gays and straights, things like that. The interests I had would never be true issues in the legal system. I kept thinking back to a comment someone made when I was all happy because of my books that came in. The person said, “if those are your interests, why aren’t you in school for those?”
Everyone asks themselves in law school why they should be a lawyer, why they care about those issues, what they would rather do, etc. Sometimes it may be hard to see the answer, but usually one will come for someone who wants to be there. They will remember all those things that drove them to go to law school in the first place. I went to law school because I was not ready to deal with the fear of entering the “real” world and thought it was something that I would be good at. But while was there I was able to get over that fear more and developed a desire for independency.
That answer of why I wanted to be there, or even a lawyer never came. Each time I would feel a pang of an ignored desire to be in grad school doing something else. Fighting for housing and employment rights for transgendered people is a very important and necessary part of the legal system, but it is not what I wanted to do.
I finally decided that I would leave school at the end of the academic year in order to keep the loan money for the car payments. But my dad talked to my grandmother telling her I was a horrible, irresponsible, and dishonest person and if she co-signed she would go to bed every night hungry.
So I had to take my car back and had no more reason to stay in school.
I am sure it seems to some that since I am justifying something that does not need justification that there must be another reason. But I do have to justify it. So many people decided for me that law was right for me without using anything within me for input. Since I have left, I hear daily about how I need to go back and how much I disappointed my family by leaving. My mother still has not told people that I have left school and I dropped out in February.
My mother is also sick, so I came back to IL. I have known for awhile that my mother would not allow people to tell me about how she was doing while I was in school so that my grades would not be affected. Soon as I announced that I was leaving law school, family became more honest about my mothers situation. I found out that she has been lying about what the doctors tell her and trying to fix the situation so that we cannot go with her to the appointments.
She has also decided that she does not want to get the transplant that she needs. One of her great friends sister just got a bone marrow transplant and they have been sharing the information with my mother. My mother says she refuses to live like that and she wants to die instead. She says it is a matter of quality of life. She is tired of the meds, the appointments, getting her blood drawn and the like.
I accept that she has the right to opt out of a transplant if she wants to, but what pisses me off about the situation is that for a serious decision like that, I think that the person should sit the family down together and inform them and discuss it. My mother instead dropped the news by joking how she will be dead and not have to worry about things.
I suspect that a larger motivation in her not getting the transplant is money. I think she fears that she will use up all her money on medicines and taking time off for recovery, when if she dies instead she will have money to leave to everyone. She knows many people that left tons of debt when they died and all the money from their will went to paying off that debt and funeral costs instead.
So basically I had little reason to come home. I had wanted to be settled in a job and a place by the time she got the transplant so I could help take care of her while Brandon went off to college and tiffany went to school and took care of her baby.
The blasts that the doctors were waiting for to start the process have shown up in her blood, but they still say they want to try and have her wait to close to a year from now. I can’t even imagine how it would feel to have death hanging over your head in stasis for that long, but it still pisses me off, and I think my opinions are still valid, or am at least to have a say (remind you of the pro-choice debates?). She is now trying to decide if she is going to stop taking her medicines. If she is not getting the transplant, then all they are doing is prolonging her life, making her ill, and using up her money. They serve no positive purpose if she wills to die anyway.
Because of all her issues, she has been putting so much pressure on me to go back to law school, which I refuse to do. I think that is also the reason that she has been giving Brandon so much more than us of late. She has given tiffany and I many things over the course of our lives, but with Brandon being the youngest, he has naturally come last and not been around long enough to get all those things. So she bought him a 6k$ car and is trying to have him work out his college plans so she can get some money together. If she dies while he is so young, his memories will be of all the things that tiffany and I got, and then my mom opting for death and not being there for his graduation, wedding, or anything thing like that. So I suspect that she feels somewhat guilty for missed and will be missed opportunities and wants to make up for them.
I just started a new job at a law firm. A file clerk. It is not quite what I wanted, but it is a job and I am so grateful to Celesty for getting me the job since I had nothing. Hopefully I can do a good job and get promoted, or use it to find something else that is in my desired pay range.
Soon I will be getting an apt with Cory. We are just waiting for the time to be right instead of rushing into it, but that also keeps us from looking into things properly, because there it is just a waste of time to see all those places that will be gone by the time we are ready.
Well, I have more I could say, but I am done writing for now.