Mello: The New World
The recovery felt like it took forever, but I was already on my feet and back on the case before it had healed fully. Maybe that's why the scarring was so bad. Maybe it's because I stopped caring. Maybe I was lucky that I still had half of my face. Yeah. That's probably it.
If the Mafia hadn't collapsed- been wiped out along with my vanity and my hope...I might have cared a lot more. I might have hated it more. But then, at that time... I hated everything. It wasn't just Kira's fault anymore. It was the whole world's fault for worshiping him, for giving him the strength and the means to corner what was left of Justice.
I watched him almost chase Near into a corner. I wanted to scream; wanted to bolt from my hiding place across the street. I knew his plan, knew that getting Mogi into his hands was the best thing I could do. But that didn't change that my instincts were screaming at me the entire time. I was trembling as I held the phone, despite the fact that I sounded cocky; confident. If those crazed Kira supporters had gotten a hold of him... I refuse to imagine what they would have done to him. He would have been crucified; and maybe not just figuratively. It would have blown everything if I had run. So many times that everything hinged on me and what I was doing, on my barely existent self control. If Near told me to do it then, I could have done anything. If it would have brought Kira closer to his demise, I would have gone through the fire all over again. Pain was nothing. It was letting that murderer go free that hurt.
People often wonder about my motives. Some say that I did everything because I hated Near. Some say it was because I just wanted to be recognized, and all of those things were there. They were elements, but the truth of it was that I didn't care about Kira. I cared about L. Light Yagami could have gone about killing the so-called unjust forever. I may have even agreed with him in another life. But he did one thing that was unforgivable; one thing that was too personal.
He took L.
I had met him face to face. Something that his other heirs never had the privilege of. He sat with me. Talked with me. Guided me. I knew that I could do it then- that I had the strength to cast off my identity and become the faceless genius known as L. It was the rest of the people at Wammy's House who didn't have a clue. I think that maybe L would have chosen me in the end; that's something I keep quietly, close to my heart. But I know that Roger and the other adults were sold on Near. Near was better at everything. Near was sane. I won't take those things that he passed onto me to my grave, though the details of that most precious memory will go into the darkness with me.
I don't have much time, and I'm going to hide this so that it doesn't get destroyed. This is my last will and testament if you will. I won't call myself anything other than "M" here, because that's all I was to the world. A letter and a face that will not be remembered for what I did.
But one person will remember.
Near.
I won't apologize. But I'll tell you the truth. I don't hate you. I want you to live. I want you to go where I couldn't. This world and I weren't meant for each other anyway. I hope you'll pray for my soul when I'm gone, and I trust that you'll finish him off; that you'll avenge Him. Don't cry for me. Don't blame yourself. When it happens, remember that this is what I chose. It's not goodbye...maybe.
Keep going, and don't forget me. Because if you do...that's when I'll really be gone forever.
If the Mafia hadn't collapsed- been wiped out along with my vanity and my hope...I might have cared a lot more. I might have hated it more. But then, at that time... I hated everything. It wasn't just Kira's fault anymore. It was the whole world's fault for worshiping him, for giving him the strength and the means to corner what was left of Justice.
I watched him almost chase Near into a corner. I wanted to scream; wanted to bolt from my hiding place across the street. I knew his plan, knew that getting Mogi into his hands was the best thing I could do. But that didn't change that my instincts were screaming at me the entire time. I was trembling as I held the phone, despite the fact that I sounded cocky; confident. If those crazed Kira supporters had gotten a hold of him... I refuse to imagine what they would have done to him. He would have been crucified; and maybe not just figuratively. It would have blown everything if I had run. So many times that everything hinged on me and what I was doing, on my barely existent self control. If Near told me to do it then, I could have done anything. If it would have brought Kira closer to his demise, I would have gone through the fire all over again. Pain was nothing. It was letting that murderer go free that hurt.
People often wonder about my motives. Some say that I did everything because I hated Near. Some say it was because I just wanted to be recognized, and all of those things were there. They were elements, but the truth of it was that I didn't care about Kira. I cared about L. Light Yagami could have gone about killing the so-called unjust forever. I may have even agreed with him in another life. But he did one thing that was unforgivable; one thing that was too personal.
He took L.
I had met him face to face. Something that his other heirs never had the privilege of. He sat with me. Talked with me. Guided me. I knew that I could do it then- that I had the strength to cast off my identity and become the faceless genius known as L. It was the rest of the people at Wammy's House who didn't have a clue. I think that maybe L would have chosen me in the end; that's something I keep quietly, close to my heart. But I know that Roger and the other adults were sold on Near. Near was better at everything. Near was sane. I won't take those things that he passed onto me to my grave, though the details of that most precious memory will go into the darkness with me.
I don't have much time, and I'm going to hide this so that it doesn't get destroyed. This is my last will and testament if you will. I won't call myself anything other than "M" here, because that's all I was to the world. A letter and a face that will not be remembered for what I did.
But one person will remember.
Near.
I won't apologize. But I'll tell you the truth. I don't hate you. I want you to live. I want you to go where I couldn't. This world and I weren't meant for each other anyway. I hope you'll pray for my soul when I'm gone, and I trust that you'll finish him off; that you'll avenge Him. Don't cry for me. Don't blame yourself. When it happens, remember that this is what I chose. It's not goodbye...maybe.
Keep going, and don't forget me. Because if you do...that's when I'll really be gone forever.