Oh No No No, Oh No No!
I had a crazy binge tonight, although by the standards of my eatings habits of late I suppose it was normal. Oh but the ending was unlike a general binge, and I am truly upset right now because of it.
I ate four bagels with cream cheese, half a box of chocolates, TWELVE CUPS of rice with chicken, shrimp, and sauce, and half a dozen chocolate cream candies. The rice was the last thing I ate, and when I went to purge, some water came up and then nothing else.
It got stuck! No matter how much I pushed, nothing came up. It was awful, I started to really panic, so I shoved my toothbrush down my throat. I gagged and gagged but still nothing, so I kept sipping water and pushing it back out until a big chunk of bagel came up. I was finally able to get some rice, chocolate, and a little more bagel up, but I just know that there's still so much in me. I weighed myself and I'm three pounds heavier than I should be.
I feel so upset right now. I bought so many nice clothes today in all new sizes that I used to not be able to wear. What if I wake up tomorrow bloated and puffy and my BMI is 20 and I have to work all the way back down to 19 all over again?! I feel so awful, I feel like such a hypocrite, like a phony all because I couldn't get all the food back up. WHY!? I've purged full on at least eight times today before now, why did my abilities suddenly go sour after a RICE AND BAGELS BINGE!?
I'm aware this must sound like a lot of bitching and moaning, but I really need to vent. I'm just so worried. I really feel I might cry, no exaggeration.
FUCK!!!
I ate four bagels with cream cheese, half a box of chocolates, TWELVE CUPS of rice with chicken, shrimp, and sauce, and half a dozen chocolate cream candies. The rice was the last thing I ate, and when I went to purge, some water came up and then nothing else.
It got stuck! No matter how much I pushed, nothing came up. It was awful, I started to really panic, so I shoved my toothbrush down my throat. I gagged and gagged but still nothing, so I kept sipping water and pushing it back out until a big chunk of bagel came up. I was finally able to get some rice, chocolate, and a little more bagel up, but I just know that there's still so much in me. I weighed myself and I'm three pounds heavier than I should be.
I feel so upset right now. I bought so many nice clothes today in all new sizes that I used to not be able to wear. What if I wake up tomorrow bloated and puffy and my BMI is 20 and I have to work all the way back down to 19 all over again?! I feel so awful, I feel like such a hypocrite, like a phony all because I couldn't get all the food back up. WHY!? I've purged full on at least eight times today before now, why did my abilities suddenly go sour after a RICE AND BAGELS BINGE!?
I'm aware this must sound like a lot of bitching and moaning, but I really need to vent. I'm just so worried. I really feel I might cry, no exaggeration.
FUCK!!!