:(
whatsup...well the semester is officially over for everyone now. Grades are up on wednesday- kinda scary. My damn polysci teacher never emailed me back about my grade and i dont know any of my other grades, so this is the first time ill be logging into ssinfo without any knowledge as to what even one of my grades are. Ugh, I'll be posting about that later.
So i bought People magazine's best and worst of 2003 and in it they have a tribute to the US soldiers that died in the war in Iraq. They have the pics of the 457 that died...so theres a pic of matt in there. Damn i miss him so much. 457...when you think about how many people there are, 457 sounds like nothing. If I would have heard that statistic and not known matt, i would have been like wow thats really good, thats all that died. Its so sad but yeah thats what i would have said....but then when it becomes personal and you KNOW one of those 457...it sounds like a huge number. Even 1 is too big of a number. It still hasnt sunk into me that hes gone. I was home when I found out- pat called me. It was just a few days before i was leaving for London. I remember i was sitting around with my family watching tv and pat called...and his voice was so different, i knew something was wrong. When he told me I couldnt even believe it. I couldnt even cry for awhile. The funeral and other ceremonies took place when I was in London. I still feel so guilty for not being there. And i feel so bad not being there for pat, because i know it had to be one of the hardest things hes even been through.
Matt drove me insane sometimes. And im sure i drove him nuts too. We both have really firery personalities and very strong opinions.....not always a good combination. He talked to my parents a lot and actually sided with them on some things (!!)...yeah he actually had hours of conversation with my mom...and if any of you know my mom, well...you realize what a big deal that is haha. Once I locked him out of my house so he climbed up the side of it and jumped onto the balcony leading to my parents room. Imagine their faces when hes knocking on the sliding glass door after midnight, explaining that i locked him out, haha. Oh yeah and he threw tennis balls at the sliding glass door, im sure they enjoyed that one, haha. We also drove each other (ok more him driving me insane haha) on the history academic team. He showed up for our last practice before competition and claimed he didnt know when the competition was and he couldnt go because he had rugby...and then he said it was my fault. I was so mad i couldnt talk to him...i just glared for about 2 hours. Its funny now, but damn ill never forget how pissed i was.
Ok so those were some not so good times...but there were plenty of good times.
After the raja thing happened and ended at the beginning of my junior year of high school, i started talking to matt a lottttt. I think he might be the only person that actually tried to help without any self-interested reasons. I remember hed try to get us in chat rooms together to make everything ok. I went through this big ordeal about how i didnt believe in love or people or pretty much anything. At this point through rugby, he became really close to pat because they were captains. Pat really liked me, but because of my whole raja thing I was against any type of 'relationship'. I remember once pat and matt made me watch the south park movie 3 times in one night. Shy little pat sat in the corner while matt and i had an intense pillow fight. I think in some ways, matt actually kinda hurt pats chances with me, because matt made him feel kinda uncomfortable. In our little 'circle' at school, everyone was talking about how matt and I were dating.....but we werent, we just hung out a lot. There was speculation as to whether he liked me or not....but we never discussed it.
Lots of memorable times. Once we went bowling and this really creepy anderson piece of white trash kept hitting on me...matt found it absoultely hilarious. We would watch movies at his house and eat ice cream. Once we fell asleep in the middle of 10 Things I Hate about You...he told me to take it home and watch it because it would teach me about love....i still have his copy of that movie to this day. We'd sit in his room and talk about shit....personal stuff about him that he said other people didnt know. We'd drive around listening to his shitty music...there was one song Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf that i refered to as 'the good song'..because seriously it was the only good song. Everyonce in awhile hed turn off the shit and play the good song for me. My most memorable (well one of them) matt moments took place at his house....we'd sign on instant messenger....pat was on and matt was pretending to be me and talk to him, obviously saying stuff i wouldnt say....so i was fighting him for the computer and to stop my constant grabbing for the keyboard, he took telephone wire and tied me up and then threw me on the couch. Odd, yet effective, hahaha.
I still have the goodbye email he sent out before he left for Iraq. In it, he said "ashley, you have been my friend through some weird times and have always stayed true i thank you from the bottom of my heart". I dont really think i was there for him and i dont really think i had a huge impact on him.
Matt taught me to believe in people and about the power of determination. He taught me how to trust again. He never EVER doubted himself. After recent events, i need him to convince me of those things all over again. But i cant talk to him. And it sucks.
Ashley