About Femme "invisibility"
First off, I am making this a public entry because I can see the possibility that someone will stumble here, and have all these pre-conceived notions of who I am as a person. So, this will hopefully make things a bit clearer - not that my "identity" is clear-cut or defined by a set of rigid standards and rules, but it is true that I am more of a Femme queer person than I am anything else. So, having read Sugarbutch's, alphafemme's, and Ladybrettashley's posts on "Femme invisibility", I thought I should add their thoughts and my own here.
So yeah, I am a girly lesbian. A Femme, for want of a better label. I wear girly frilly clothes. I wear pink more often than not. And I like that. However, my interests are "tomboyish" (video games, anyone? Oh yes, even those Bishoujo games where you assume the role of a man...you know the ones I'm talking about ;) )- I can be dominant, and aggressive, in all aspects - be it sexual or otherwise. And I can't stand high heels....
It is here where the "blurring" occurs. I would love to be more "dikey", more obviously gay. But I just can't do that. I like my femininity, and all that it entails. I like using that to its fullest effect. However, this comes up with its own set of societal assumptions. Because I look "girly", I am automatically deemed straight. I am automatically assumed to be there for the pleasure of a man. I am what men would call a "trap". So every time a man assumes I have a "boyfriend", I have to come out verbally to them, and this is where the "trouble" starts. They are surprised, perhaps a bit turned on, but ultimately they then think I'm a "fake", and hence, shun me from that moment on. Because apparently a girly gay woman can't be friends with a straight male because that would be too confusing for them... Because it is threatening that a woman can be feminine, intelligent, not take their crap, and actually not be interested in men...*rolls eyes* Even gay males are threatened by this. I was told once by a gay man "You're too pretty to be a lesbian!". *rolls eyes some more* (That is a whole other kettle of fish so I'll leave that for another time.)
Growing up in a Latin family, the gender binaries are even more rigidly set. My mum assumes I'm not gay because I "don't look like Ellen". Girls were meant to look like girls, boys were meant to look like boys. So, like alphafemme would say:
"There was no way I was gay. It just didn’t make sense. I was a girl. I was supposed to like boys. That was that.
Understanding of sexuality is so, so so tied up with gender. That’s really what makes femmes so invisible. To ourselves as well as to others. There often aren’t any outward signs that we digress from the norm. They’re all inward. And society tells us (all of us, not just femmes) all the time that the inward things? Are figments of our imagination. Depression, addiction, anxiety, sexual orientation - it’s fabricated, it’s (no pun intended) just in our minds. You can’t get an MRI that says “whoops, there’s some depression in there, we’ll have to medicate you” or a pap smear that tells you “yep, yer gay alright, no two ways about it.” So unless you look different, unless there’s some physical proof of it (whatever it is), there’s plenty of room for people to doubt you. And judge you. And feel justified in doubting and judging. Because all that stuff? It’s in your mind. So I can tell you you’re wrong.".
I came out to myself, and started thinking that the rigid standards didn't make much sense, and that, my dears, was like a huge weight being lifted off my then young teenage shoulders. I prove to myself that I wasn't some anomaly in a seemingly "perfect" world. And that I was "normal"... But still there is frustration to not be able to have friendships with "straight" (and closed minded) people because you don't fit into their neat little boxes. This isn't just a male thing. Gay, more masculine-bearing women, automatically make the same assumptions based on how I look. Unless I am wearing some outward sign (rainbow necklace, for one), then I am shunned by them too.
Maybe this frustration will pass as time passes, and I am more comfortable in my own skin. But I will always be slightly annoyed that I have to "advertise" my identity, in order to "fit in". Why can't I just be myself, no advertising, no labels, no nothing, and just be me? It seems like such a hard thing to do in a society where no one is themselves, following a celebrity trend or whatever...
Of course, it's not always frustrating being a Femme, which I'm glad someone else verbalized it better than I ever could. Ladybrettashley says:
i am fully interested in my ability to normalize gay. I can hope that it was eye-opening to that [person] that lesbians rescue dogs too, and shop for vegetables and smile at strangers and wear skirts and long hair... That option is only open to me because of my femmeininity. And i think every time someone is surprised that i’m gay that is just a visible expression of their picture of “gay” broadening. Which won’t solve anything by its lonesome, but it’s a step in the right direction.
It IS awesome to break the heternormative standards, even little by little. It brings an inward grin to me when it looks like I just mentally tripped someone up, and have them do a once over on their whole assumption of the "gay image".
It is times like these that I am glad I am my own queer, feminine but slightly tomboyish, unique self, and not necessarily look like Ellen. It is gratifying, and even a little life-affirming...
So yeah, I am a girly lesbian. A Femme, for want of a better label. I wear girly frilly clothes. I wear pink more often than not. And I like that. However, my interests are "tomboyish" (video games, anyone? Oh yes, even those Bishoujo games where you assume the role of a man...you know the ones I'm talking about ;) )- I can be dominant, and aggressive, in all aspects - be it sexual or otherwise. And I can't stand high heels....
It is here where the "blurring" occurs. I would love to be more "dikey", more obviously gay. But I just can't do that. I like my femininity, and all that it entails. I like using that to its fullest effect. However, this comes up with its own set of societal assumptions. Because I look "girly", I am automatically deemed straight. I am automatically assumed to be there for the pleasure of a man. I am what men would call a "trap". So every time a man assumes I have a "boyfriend", I have to come out verbally to them, and this is where the "trouble" starts. They are surprised, perhaps a bit turned on, but ultimately they then think I'm a "fake", and hence, shun me from that moment on. Because apparently a girly gay woman can't be friends with a straight male because that would be too confusing for them... Because it is threatening that a woman can be feminine, intelligent, not take their crap, and actually not be interested in men...*rolls eyes* Even gay males are threatened by this. I was told once by a gay man "You're too pretty to be a lesbian!". *rolls eyes some more* (That is a whole other kettle of fish so I'll leave that for another time.)
Growing up in a Latin family, the gender binaries are even more rigidly set. My mum assumes I'm not gay because I "don't look like Ellen". Girls were meant to look like girls, boys were meant to look like boys. So, like alphafemme would say:
"There was no way I was gay. It just didn’t make sense. I was a girl. I was supposed to like boys. That was that.
Understanding of sexuality is so, so so tied up with gender. That’s really what makes femmes so invisible. To ourselves as well as to others. There often aren’t any outward signs that we digress from the norm. They’re all inward. And society tells us (all of us, not just femmes) all the time that the inward things? Are figments of our imagination. Depression, addiction, anxiety, sexual orientation - it’s fabricated, it’s (no pun intended) just in our minds. You can’t get an MRI that says “whoops, there’s some depression in there, we’ll have to medicate you” or a pap smear that tells you “yep, yer gay alright, no two ways about it.” So unless you look different, unless there’s some physical proof of it (whatever it is), there’s plenty of room for people to doubt you. And judge you. And feel justified in doubting and judging. Because all that stuff? It’s in your mind. So I can tell you you’re wrong.".
I came out to myself, and started thinking that the rigid standards didn't make much sense, and that, my dears, was like a huge weight being lifted off my then young teenage shoulders. I prove to myself that I wasn't some anomaly in a seemingly "perfect" world. And that I was "normal"... But still there is frustration to not be able to have friendships with "straight" (and closed minded) people because you don't fit into their neat little boxes. This isn't just a male thing. Gay, more masculine-bearing women, automatically make the same assumptions based on how I look. Unless I am wearing some outward sign (rainbow necklace, for one), then I am shunned by them too.
Maybe this frustration will pass as time passes, and I am more comfortable in my own skin. But I will always be slightly annoyed that I have to "advertise" my identity, in order to "fit in". Why can't I just be myself, no advertising, no labels, no nothing, and just be me? It seems like such a hard thing to do in a society where no one is themselves, following a celebrity trend or whatever...
Of course, it's not always frustrating being a Femme, which I'm glad someone else verbalized it better than I ever could. Ladybrettashley says:
i am fully interested in my ability to normalize gay. I can hope that it was eye-opening to that [person] that lesbians rescue dogs too, and shop for vegetables and smile at strangers and wear skirts and long hair... That option is only open to me because of my femmeininity. And i think every time someone is surprised that i’m gay that is just a visible expression of their picture of “gay” broadening. Which won’t solve anything by its lonesome, but it’s a step in the right direction.
It IS awesome to break the heternormative standards, even little by little. It brings an inward grin to me when it looks like I just mentally tripped someone up, and have them do a once over on their whole assumption of the "gay image".
It is times like these that I am glad I am my own queer, feminine but slightly tomboyish, unique self, and not necessarily look like Ellen. It is gratifying, and even a little life-affirming...