bah, humbug.
okay, so, it's been like 8237427343432 years since i've updated, but it's been on my mind to start it up again recently. good for the soul and all that rubbish.
yesterday after i dropped beth off at work at 2:00, i went into walgreens to pick up some blank cds and i of course said hi to everyone while i was there, since i havent worked in NINE DAYS. i've been bitching about my lack of hours a lot recently, bc even though im available for work 5 days a week, my manager has been only scheduling me for TWO days a week. its crap. so then after i checked out and right before i left, i was hanging out talking to elizabeth when Mr. Cook comes up and tells me that someone has called in and asks me if i want to work tonight. first of all, i HATE coming in when they call me. it throws off my WHOLE DAY. so i get high anxiety every time they ask me to come in. i dont know why, i just can't handle it. so i freak out and tell him no i cant work today, i have homework. the truth was i had NOTHING to do, except pick beth up from work at seven (which he said he would let me leave work to do). augh i hope they found someone else to come in, bc i gave a pretty lame excuse after JUST bitching about not getting any hours. and the manager who makes the schedule, mister speicher, was standing behind mr cook nodding his head furiously the whole time, telling me to come in. and i said no. AUGH! sooooo i gave myself total guilt about that all afternoon yesterday and it's still on my mind today. like, speicher probably wont give me any increase in hours until maybe next semester if i'm lucky. i dont know why he cut my hours so much, i know he likes me.... i do good work and i'm dependable. why doesn't he want me to work?! rawr. anyway i was also in a horrible mental slump this morning bc it was my first day back to classes since i skipped school ALL LAST WEEK (except for one class on thursday). so the classes i had today were classes i hadn't been to in FOUR class meetings. way to go, slacker joe. i know i wasnt missed or anything, but i feel bad anyway, and of course i have less confidence in my near-future test performance. so this is probably the first couple of days that i've been sorta depressed/anxious all semester long, which is pretty good, since that was basically my permenant state last semester.
aaalso, i need to meet some fresh man-meat. i can't get my mind off of jason until i do. he gives me little-to-no attention unless i put myself in his face at his apartment, and yet im still so attracted to him it drives me nuts. is that a chick thing? i think so. i crave him. bah.
i also feel entirely too unproductive. i spent last weekend with my aunt and stayed busy the whole time helping her around (still recovering from her auto accident in june... learning to walk again) and i came back to the apartment and beth hadn't done anything all weekend.. it was in the same exact state i left it in, except for more dirty dishes. don't get me wrong, im not complaining about her behavior, i dont expect her to just do everything i didnt do before i left, i am mostly brining this up to illustrate that the environment i live in is not condusive to my 100% productivity goal. we have a huge tv in the middle of our living room that our lives kinda revolve around. we eat: we watch tv. we get out of class: we watch tv. the other person is at work: we watch tv. we scrapbook: we watch tv. i get so mad at myself for all the stupid crap on tv i waste my time watching. but then i just go right back to the same boob-tube behavior. its easier to do nothing than it is to do something. i also allow myself to be tired way too easy. i sleep too much, but im getting better about not just taking naps during the day. sleep is my escape... every time im in a bad mood, i just avoid life by going to sleep for a few hours. its very convenient but once again, unproductive. its so easy to just not do stuff. but then i look around me, or someone asks what i've been up to, and i have nothing to say. "umm.. i only work two days a week and only have school two hours a day. and even then, i skip class a lot." LAME, ASHLEY. VERY LAME. so maybe i'll start setting more small goals. making lists, and crossing things off of them. maybe i should smash the tv when beth isn't looking.
yesterday after i dropped beth off at work at 2:00, i went into walgreens to pick up some blank cds and i of course said hi to everyone while i was there, since i havent worked in NINE DAYS. i've been bitching about my lack of hours a lot recently, bc even though im available for work 5 days a week, my manager has been only scheduling me for TWO days a week. its crap. so then after i checked out and right before i left, i was hanging out talking to elizabeth when Mr. Cook comes up and tells me that someone has called in and asks me if i want to work tonight. first of all, i HATE coming in when they call me. it throws off my WHOLE DAY. so i get high anxiety every time they ask me to come in. i dont know why, i just can't handle it. so i freak out and tell him no i cant work today, i have homework. the truth was i had NOTHING to do, except pick beth up from work at seven (which he said he would let me leave work to do). augh i hope they found someone else to come in, bc i gave a pretty lame excuse after JUST bitching about not getting any hours. and the manager who makes the schedule, mister speicher, was standing behind mr cook nodding his head furiously the whole time, telling me to come in. and i said no. AUGH! sooooo i gave myself total guilt about that all afternoon yesterday and it's still on my mind today. like, speicher probably wont give me any increase in hours until maybe next semester if i'm lucky. i dont know why he cut my hours so much, i know he likes me.... i do good work and i'm dependable. why doesn't he want me to work?! rawr. anyway i was also in a horrible mental slump this morning bc it was my first day back to classes since i skipped school ALL LAST WEEK (except for one class on thursday). so the classes i had today were classes i hadn't been to in FOUR class meetings. way to go, slacker joe. i know i wasnt missed or anything, but i feel bad anyway, and of course i have less confidence in my near-future test performance. so this is probably the first couple of days that i've been sorta depressed/anxious all semester long, which is pretty good, since that was basically my permenant state last semester.
aaalso, i need to meet some fresh man-meat. i can't get my mind off of jason until i do. he gives me little-to-no attention unless i put myself in his face at his apartment, and yet im still so attracted to him it drives me nuts. is that a chick thing? i think so. i crave him. bah.
i also feel entirely too unproductive. i spent last weekend with my aunt and stayed busy the whole time helping her around (still recovering from her auto accident in june... learning to walk again) and i came back to the apartment and beth hadn't done anything all weekend.. it was in the same exact state i left it in, except for more dirty dishes. don't get me wrong, im not complaining about her behavior, i dont expect her to just do everything i didnt do before i left, i am mostly brining this up to illustrate that the environment i live in is not condusive to my 100% productivity goal. we have a huge tv in the middle of our living room that our lives kinda revolve around. we eat: we watch tv. we get out of class: we watch tv. the other person is at work: we watch tv. we scrapbook: we watch tv. i get so mad at myself for all the stupid crap on tv i waste my time watching. but then i just go right back to the same boob-tube behavior. its easier to do nothing than it is to do something. i also allow myself to be tired way too easy. i sleep too much, but im getting better about not just taking naps during the day. sleep is my escape... every time im in a bad mood, i just avoid life by going to sleep for a few hours. its very convenient but once again, unproductive. its so easy to just not do stuff. but then i look around me, or someone asks what i've been up to, and i have nothing to say. "umm.. i only work two days a week and only have school two hours a day. and even then, i skip class a lot." LAME, ASHLEY. VERY LAME. so maybe i'll start setting more small goals. making lists, and crossing things off of them. maybe i should smash the tv when beth isn't looking.