Happiness We May Seek... But Beauty We See!
I think I am happy! I am not certain on how I could know whether this is true or not… but for the moment I would like to consider myself as happy.
Of course, I am drowning with all my complications and my confusion is enough to suffocate the dead.
I have been thinking lately of the meaning of life, probably most in part due to my philosophy class. What is it? I think the point of life, its greatest attribute to offer, is happiness.
But how will you ever truly know that you are happy? Once you die?
So therefore, if you had to wait until your death to see if you were ever honestly happy, wouldn’t death become the whole point of life?
Get this.
I am living… the greatest goal in life, its purpose, is happiness. I can never actually know if I was ever happy until I die. So then it switches. I am not waiting for happiness to come; I am waiting for death. (Perhaps death is the ultimate happiness?!?) Who knows?
I want to be happy, I want to make other happy, I want to find honest happiness.
What if I were to die tomorrow? What would be the one thing that I would want to have, to do, to be, or to see? I asked myself this question and I wanted to sit and think it all the way through, but couldn’t because as soon as I asked the question, one answer came to mind and simply wouldn’t leave.
I want to fall in love before I die. I cannot quite describe why this is, except that it’s the one thing I don’t think I will ever do.
I asked someone the same question and he answered in general for everyone, saying that no one should die a virgin. I don’t think that is quite so, at least, not for me. I would rather to die a virgin, a virgin who has truly loved and has been loved in return. You would have all the advantages of your emotions and still remain innocent, in that sense. I asked Tessa the other night, and she said to be with Aaron, which is the one she loves! Maybe her and I are exactly alike in that sense, as well. I want to fall in love, she wants the one she loves to remain right beside her. I hope she gets everything she wants, as long as she is happy!
So, yep! I want to fall in love. Truly fall in love, and actually know it. So many are so quick to claim love and say it and pretend to feel it, but I want it to be true. I love many people, my family, many friends, many boys, many girls. I am not IN LOVE with any of them. I think that is different. I want that. And I pray that I do not think I am in love when I am not.
I guess I will just have to see. No one can come in for the door is not open, right?
My door has twelve fucking deadlocks on it!
