im worthless...
Im so angry right now i dont know where to start. I dont know how much longer i can take this. Its burnin the hole inside of me deeper and deeper by the second. I dont know what anyone wants from me. I try to be the best i can and i get ran over for it. I know im not the greatest thing in the world nor am i remotely close but do i deserve this?
My feelings right now have been pushed as low as they could go. Im not sure yet how to handle them. All the positive things ive thought before now show no face. Eric has just done it all. Its just...ahh.
I think he doesnt care about anyone other than himself and that to make his day be just right he has to bitch at me and my brothers for the most fucked up shit. He does it because it makes him feel more important and better about himself.
I talked to him earlier and he was bitchin because i drove to school with my hand thing and all. I mean all the way there it was just straight stretch because i didnt have to turn anywhere. I asked if i could go to rachels and hes like blah blah you shouldnt have drove earlier and i was like i did fine and it doesnt matter. Somehow we got to talkin about how i feel about this place and livin here. I told him that im more happy and confident at grannys than here and he laughed in my face. I told him id he doesnt wanna listen and if he thinks its funny...i may not be here for his second chance to hear it. Im tired of tellin it. If he dont let me out...i may do somethin stupid. I just am at the point i dont care anymore...nothin can make me stop. I am tired of kissin his ass. I know im here only to do his shit. Hes like hell ur so damn lazy you aint done shit round here lately. He said well if you think youre so big and bad you do what you want but ill do what i have to. Hes so worried now about my hand but was he the night i did it. No. He was in bowling green when i was at the med center but he didnt bother to stop by. But he says i didnt need to be because grandma was callin and lettin him know. So wat? Its always been down to that. Hell when i called him to let him know my mom wasnt breathin the day she died, he said call me back if somethin happens. Hell he was too damn late. Even if it wasnt instant death..he woulda been late. Hes lame.
I just hate myself right now. I dont believe in myself at all. I have no confidence that i will grow up to be better. I told him i will be better than him and i said well now im not sure. THe wayhe makes me feel...i dont think i can make it. I will not fill out anything unless he lets me move before i turn 18. I cannot last here that long. Nothin could help me think otherwise than...im worthless.
When i really think about it...im no better than he is. I cant say what id do if i was him but i mean im selfish and it doesnt matter how he feels...its about how i feel and why i need out. But as far as treatin the boys..im no better...yeah they get on my last nerve but i still bitch and push em around too..not like he does but i do it. I know and they know its not intetionally b/c im frustrated but what if thats how eric feels?
I just dont know what to do. Im afraid that if i try anything hell get revenge and try to turn in david for stupid shit...and i dont want that b/c i love him so much and at the moment hes all that matters. Im so happy when im around him and he makes my day so much better. If it werent for him id prolly but all cut up by now. I told him i wouldnt do it and im tryin not to but im serious im sorry but i may have to break that promise...or either follow up on old plans for this problem. I just dont know how to handle anything.
Well if you have any wise words for me...hit me up with em. I need them. DESPERATELY.
My feelings right now have been pushed as low as they could go. Im not sure yet how to handle them. All the positive things ive thought before now show no face. Eric has just done it all. Its just...ahh.
I think he doesnt care about anyone other than himself and that to make his day be just right he has to bitch at me and my brothers for the most fucked up shit. He does it because it makes him feel more important and better about himself.
I talked to him earlier and he was bitchin because i drove to school with my hand thing and all. I mean all the way there it was just straight stretch because i didnt have to turn anywhere. I asked if i could go to rachels and hes like blah blah you shouldnt have drove earlier and i was like i did fine and it doesnt matter. Somehow we got to talkin about how i feel about this place and livin here. I told him that im more happy and confident at grannys than here and he laughed in my face. I told him id he doesnt wanna listen and if he thinks its funny...i may not be here for his second chance to hear it. Im tired of tellin it. If he dont let me out...i may do somethin stupid. I just am at the point i dont care anymore...nothin can make me stop. I am tired of kissin his ass. I know im here only to do his shit. Hes like hell ur so damn lazy you aint done shit round here lately. He said well if you think youre so big and bad you do what you want but ill do what i have to. Hes so worried now about my hand but was he the night i did it. No. He was in bowling green when i was at the med center but he didnt bother to stop by. But he says i didnt need to be because grandma was callin and lettin him know. So wat? Its always been down to that. Hell when i called him to let him know my mom wasnt breathin the day she died, he said call me back if somethin happens. Hell he was too damn late. Even if it wasnt instant death..he woulda been late. Hes lame.
I just hate myself right now. I dont believe in myself at all. I have no confidence that i will grow up to be better. I told him i will be better than him and i said well now im not sure. THe wayhe makes me feel...i dont think i can make it. I will not fill out anything unless he lets me move before i turn 18. I cannot last here that long. Nothin could help me think otherwise than...im worthless.
When i really think about it...im no better than he is. I cant say what id do if i was him but i mean im selfish and it doesnt matter how he feels...its about how i feel and why i need out. But as far as treatin the boys..im no better...yeah they get on my last nerve but i still bitch and push em around too..not like he does but i do it. I know and they know its not intetionally b/c im frustrated but what if thats how eric feels?
I just dont know what to do. Im afraid that if i try anything hell get revenge and try to turn in david for stupid shit...and i dont want that b/c i love him so much and at the moment hes all that matters. Im so happy when im around him and he makes my day so much better. If it werent for him id prolly but all cut up by now. I told him i wouldnt do it and im tryin not to but im serious im sorry but i may have to break that promise...or either follow up on old plans for this problem. I just dont know how to handle anything.
Well if you have any wise words for me...hit me up with em. I need them. DESPERATELY.