i need out

[ashleylowhorn]

For the past forever in my life, i have wanted to move out and way from this place people would like to call home. I consider myself lucky to be here but not lucky to be dealing with the situations ive been handed. Uhm everything ive ever tried to tell eric, he doesnt want to believe. I asked him if i could go to my boyfriends thanksgiving dinner and he said i have to meet him first and i was like every time weve tried youve always been to busy so i dont wanna hear it so whether or not uve met him im goin to go b/c u cant punish me for ur stupidity. and he said yes i can im the parent. so then i told him i wouldnt visit his family on thanksgiving that id go to my mom and dads families and he said if u cant go to mine ur not goin to anyones an dim like fuck u and hes bein stupid. yanno..its not that im tryin to punish them its just i know how much it would piss him off and im determined do that since hes a total ass about everything . he doesnt care about how i feel no matter what its always somethin else. Hes always gotta have somethin to hold against me and bitch at or his life is all fucked up. well hes fucked up thinkin my ass is stayin with him. i cant handle it. im always depressed. i have no confidence in myself what so ever. im a totally different person when im livin at my grannys than here. i know i messed up by movin back in with him and i know i shouldnt deserve to go back but honestly i could get myself in a world of mess if i dont. ive thought about doin drugs and im somewhat suicidal and i cant handle it all on my own and thats basically all ihave. myself. nobody else can really help me unless they deal w/ the court systems or the law. ya know? i want to be happy. i sit up numerous hours cryin myself to sleep at night b/c i cant stand the fact of bein here one second longer. it hurts to know my chances have probably failed. all i ask is to go back. i want to tell someone but the chances are that my brothers coudl also be taken away if i told them what i need to so i can leave. i want them to be happy too and for some reason i blame myself for their unhappiness. why i dont know. i wish i didnt but its just me and ic ant help it.
id rather have myself hurt than to see someone else in tears for somethin i caused. it just hurts to know that i could be happy right now if i werent so damn upright stupid. i hate myself sometimes. but most of all i hate him. bleh no more to say although i could go on forever.