(no subject)
For a little while today, I hated you. I hated you for being so beautiful and real. I hated you for being up at night to find your arms around me. I hated your honestly and the way you make people relax when you're around them. I hated you for loving me unconditionally. You've called me on years of my cheap emotion and cruelty that came from my fears. When you look at me and smile, I no longer feel scared or feel the need to run out of the room gasping for air. You don't make me feel like life is a waste of time and that all you get is cold sweat, and dark moments in small rooms, spending time with other desperate people who are tearing a path across the night skies of loneliness. Could you believe I didnt know what what to do with your slow, warm affection? Could you believe I was scared by your endless giving and giving? It took me a while to not feel threatened by your strength, that never shows off, never brags, but just nourishes and makes time stop. The feeling of hatred passed in the time it takes for an eye to blink and I realized I had to take care of myself because someone needed me. Someone is thinking of me right now. I never doubt it. I know you will always be there. It's freezing in here and I'm exhuasted. Too many things to do. Too many people to answer to all the time. From here, I think of you. My body is wracked in pain and I'm burning with fever. I want to learn to bask in your glow. I want to protect you and do whatever I can to give you strength. There is no twist to this. I'm not about to blow my brains out. You've not cut me up like the others have. It's just this. I want to love you with everything in me. I need your help because I don't know anything about this. I'm suspicious but I want to trust you completely. I miss you... I love you.