(no subject)
I want nothing more than to leave a clean slate for death. I want no shadows to obscure the path when it’s time to get taken out. Too much time is spent wondering about what is to be. Too much time is spent trying to gain the approval of others. All this time living for others while others are living for others. Does anyone ever live for themselves? Maybe people in prison. People who have been discarded, thrown away and forgotten. People who know that it all means nothing and have nothing to prove. They know it’s all an act. Theres no selling out now. All the others are running desperately for approval. Me? Im probably one of the worst. Im wearing away from them as best as I can. I go on long spells of solitude and treat it like endurance training. A week, then a month. Soon longer periods will pass and I wont even notice. I will no longer feel the need to communicate. Those who feel the need to tell others things all the time obviously have problems facing themselves. Anyone with something to prove is insecure. Believe me on this. If it's possible to mainline shadows, I will find a way. Because I want out. I don't hear the voices on the phone. There's nothing they can say that I have to know. People are best on records and books because you can turn them off or put them back on the shelf. When people try and talk to me on the streets, I turn my filter up to make sure I can't understand them. I like the shadows these days. I breathe in the darkness like a vaccine. I wait for night to come so I can venture out. During the day it's too much. The stares and continual bothering make it impossible to control my temper. I fear only my desire for confrontation.