(no subject)
i dont like what im becoming.
i dont like what im doing.
i dont like how im feeling.
i feel like i should just say its over before someone else does.
before it becomes too big.
i dont want to.
but.
i dont want the things i am right now either.
and.
i dont want to get hurt.
but.
if i do say it's over...
would that really change anything about myself?
or would i merely be changing up the scenery some?
only to interrupt the same scene later on.
only.
with another character.
in a slightly different play.
i guess i can run from scene to scene.
making costume change from costume change.
reciting lines with character to character.
but.
it wont matter.
because.
even with all the set changes.
under all the make up.
beneath all the costumes.
and no matter what line i speak.
i'm still the same character.
and this character is trying to grow.
(and it is)
and trying to learn.
(and it is)
but.
it takes time.
and my character doesn't want time.
it wants progress.
happiness.
it wants to pretend that life is nothing more than a moulin rouge.
it justs wants to learn the greatest thing one can learn
(as Toulouse-Lautrec so stated):
"just to love and be loved in return."
im trying.
im growing.
i dont want to run away anymore.
i dont want to chase anymore.
i just want to be.
and thats all.
but.
but. but. but.
funny.
in acting we're taught that the hardest thing for a performer to do
is just be.
to tell someone to sit onstage.
to not act, but be themself.
to pretend they are alone in their room.
or to merely walk through a door and to a window.
its the hardest thing for even the greatest of actors.
because.
youre not acting.
you dont have a character to hide behind.
youre completely exposed.
naked in a crowded room.
but.
maybe if we all quit acting and hiding behinf our facades.
then we could see each other.
really see each other.
and truly love
SO.
i'm trying and learning and trying to learn how to just be.
ps.
PMS is not awesome.
and.
sometimes i wish it were seen as a valid excuse for things.
is it?
i dont know.
plain and simple as that.
i dont like what im doing.
i dont like how im feeling.
i feel like i should just say its over before someone else does.
before it becomes too big.
i dont want to.
but.
i dont want the things i am right now either.
and.
i dont want to get hurt.
but.
if i do say it's over...
would that really change anything about myself?
or would i merely be changing up the scenery some?
only to interrupt the same scene later on.
only.
with another character.
in a slightly different play.
i guess i can run from scene to scene.
making costume change from costume change.
reciting lines with character to character.
but.
it wont matter.
because.
even with all the set changes.
under all the make up.
beneath all the costumes.
and no matter what line i speak.
i'm still the same character.
and this character is trying to grow.
(and it is)
and trying to learn.
(and it is)
but.
it takes time.
and my character doesn't want time.
it wants progress.
happiness.
it wants to pretend that life is nothing more than a moulin rouge.
it justs wants to learn the greatest thing one can learn
(as Toulouse-Lautrec so stated):
"just to love and be loved in return."
im trying.
im growing.
i dont want to run away anymore.
i dont want to chase anymore.
i just want to be.
and thats all.
but.
but. but. but.
funny.
in acting we're taught that the hardest thing for a performer to do
is just be.
to tell someone to sit onstage.
to not act, but be themself.
to pretend they are alone in their room.
or to merely walk through a door and to a window.
its the hardest thing for even the greatest of actors.
because.
youre not acting.
you dont have a character to hide behind.
youre completely exposed.
naked in a crowded room.
but.
maybe if we all quit acting and hiding behinf our facades.
then we could see each other.
really see each other.
and truly love
SO.
i'm trying and learning and trying to learn how to just be.
ps.
PMS is not awesome.
and.
sometimes i wish it were seen as a valid excuse for things.
is it?
i dont know.
plain and simple as that.