OH JESUS
Aries: You're determined to receive the most cards, candy and flowers. Who says sending roses to yourself doesn't count?
Taurus: A bouquet of dandelions, dime store chocolates and dinner at a fast food restaurant? Relax, it was just a bad dream!
Gemini: You make two dates for the night -- and then backup plans with your friends in case you decide to flake on your original plans.
Cancer: Ooh, there's nothing like candy heart art and lace doilies to get you going! Martha Stewart's got nothing on you.
Leo: You are displeased by the single red rose some admirer left on your windshield. Clearly you are worth at least a dozen!
Virgo: You refuse to share the box of chocolates you receive -- what if someone fingers them? What if someone sneezes on your roses?
Libra: You send valentines to everyone you know: your hairdresser, your fourth grade teacher, your manicurist, your manicurist's cousin … You don't want anyone to feel left out.
Scorpio: Why go out for a fancy dinner when you already have dessert waiting at home? Who knew that a Cupid costume could be so sexy?
Sagittarius: You can't commit to sending a card -- what if the recipient reads too much into it? You fake temporary amnesia to avoid acknowledging the holiday.
Capricorn: Lacy hearts and syrupy sentiments make you sneeze -- besides, nothing says love like a new electronic organizer!
Aquarius: Manufactured holidays aren't your cup of decaffeinated herbal tea, but consuming a few vegan chocolates doesn't make you a conformist, does it?
Pisces: You live for this stuff! The world would be such a better place if we could all just hold hands and share heart-shaped cookies every day.