cant sleep
hey everyone how is it goin? its...ok...here. troy is asleep in bed and i could sleep so i decided to update my journal. id rather be home in wa state where i belong. didnt get the job cuz im JUST now gettin an id card. lately even though me and troy are together all i can think about is paul. sometimes at night after troy had fallen asleep i have to turn my back to him because im thinkin so intently of paul. i miss him so much and i hate not knowin whats goin on w/ us. i still love him! is it wrong to love more then one guy? i love troy but not near as much as i love paul. im not sure what to do. paul gets home in a yr permenetly while troy leaves for afghanistan in january. i got so much shit runnin through my head. i know that im once again gettin depression. i guess i havnt quite gotten over it. lately its been hittin me like a ton of bricks. me and troy are fightin a lot and i know its me. part of it has to do w/ my mind always on paul (troy doesnt know that) and the hormones from the damn bc im takin. life isnt as fun ne more. i just wanna go home where everything is how it should be. the questions are though...would i be able to quit smokin? would i be able to quit drinkin? would i be able to give up sex?? would i be able to go back to church? would i be able to give up the life styles im livin? i dont know. i know that i want my friends and family back. will i ever get em back? non of my friends ever call me. i always have to call them. my best friend doesnt even call me. im not even sure if im her best friend to her. i mean we grew up together hatin eachother but now...we are friends. no one calls, writes or emails ne more. its like no one even cares about me. i cant call long distance ne more. its 10 cents a min. way to xpensive for our budget of just child support. ne ways... i better get back to bed before troy notices im gone. (he is such a deep sleeper i doubt he will have :)) ne ways...love u all. bye for now
ashley geier
ashley geier