i hate being emo
oh man. this has been the craziest semester. last semester i did nothing, but work, work work... and this semester it's been WORK, WORK, WORK. i wish i would have taken it easy last summer (not getting up at 5:30, going into work at seven, getting off of work at 10:30 to go to my 11 o'clock class, then poli sci class at UNCG, then eating lunch on the way back to work, clocking back in, then work till six)... because since i got out of school last may, i've been crazy busy and stressed. which is silly, because i'm quite possibly the most laid back person ever (while still being mostly responsible and not a pothead). i'm really ready for the semester to be over... but at the same time, i don't want it to end because then i have to graduate.
which is lame.
i love college too much to want it to end. and i don't feel like i've had the proper way to ease out of it. i feel like i'm being thrown out. i didn't even get to get senioritis. i'm fairly certain that it's unconstitutional for that to happen. i'm supposed to be taking badmitton, freshman electives and maybe a poli-sci course (as long as its not taught by koch, i'll have minimal work). instead, i feel like i'm already in the working world (which student teaching is supposed to give you a taste of, but i feel like with six classes (though most of my kids are awesome) and teaching a subject that i don't feel like i went to school to teach (though i supposively did)... it's a lot of work. honestly, i know i'm competent enough to teach any social studies class... but i feel like i would only be amazing in an civics & economics course or AP US government and just mildly awesome in everything else.
recently, i've also felt like i might be a good elementary school art teacher. i deal with kids in 45 minute intervals and no one has a long enough time to hate me. because in short periods of time, i'm effin' loveable.
it's crazy because i'm so different compared to what i was last year.
i'm still shy, but i'm no where close to the blushing ball of silence i used to be.
i haven't been able to hold a steady relationship for the life of me. dating has consisted of kiss and runs and breaking hearts. i'm not so proud of this part. either they're not good enough or they just don't know how to be in a relationship. i don't understand boys.
i work real hard. its not that i didn't before, but now it's hXc (harcore).
i'm a good party accessory. not quite the life of a party, but the heck if i'm not nice to have around at them.
i'm comfortable with myself. in fact, i think i'm ridiculously good looking.
i'm a music snob.
and a car snob.
but i'm still gulliable and caring.
somehow, i'm still me though. i'm just not the girl you thought you knew back in high school (i can't believe i said that)
on a completely different note... today was our choir contata. we did a musical called "grace that amazes." the lyrics of the songs were pretty freakin' awesome. one of my favorites (lyrically) was called "they should have cried holy" (i think that's the title). it was about how people at the cruxifixion of Christ were all taunting and encouraging the death of Jesus, when--little did they know--they were witnessing the death of the son of God. the lyrics talk about how they should have cried holy and surrendered to the man nailed to the cross and how instead they yelled "crucify! let him die!" and how Jesus told God to have mercy on them because they had no idea. freakin' amazing. could you imagine, first of all, watching someone die and cheering? the death of Jesus was a political assassination. He wasn't some psychotic murderer who did inhumane things to his victims or anything else that would invoke crazy amounts of chants and such, in my own mind. Jesus died, first because the Pharisees didn't like that He was calling them out on twisting the laws in Jewish holy books, then Pilot was under crazy political strain to execute this guy that he had no beef with. it'd be like executing john mccain for (co-)introducing campaign finance reform into legislation. he's just like "hey... this is corrupt" and then killed (and people cheer for it). and nobody stopped and said "hey! this is my Jesus you're killing!" granted, without His sacrifice life would be different, but the principal of the thing--they're killing a man who didn't deserve to die according to the punishment given to him.
you know what? now i feel guilty about complaining about teaching. meh. life is hard right now, but i have a Rock. the most solid foundation ever. it's shaken, but not crumbling. in the end, everything will be happy. Jesus is awesome because he loves me even when i'm emo.
Jesus loves emo kids.
i'm twenty two, don't know what i'm supposed to do
or how to be, to get some more out of me.
i'm twenty two, so far away from all my dreams
i'm twenty two, feeling blue.
"twenty two" - millencolin