'Tis rant time
I just had this horrible realization that I don't want to major in Spanish and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to work, I don't want to find a new job, I don't like that I feel pressured to get Richard fired, and I don't know where my motivation for anything went. But I don't have it this semester. I feel like a lazy piece of shit who can't ever get anything accomplished. I also feel really stupid because I don't understand any of my classes. I think most of it is because I can't pay attention. I try really hard but it doesn't work. I'm not tired during them, I get to sleep until noon every day that I have school...I don't know what the problem is.
I'm also super stressed out because Bryan and I have now started to fight about more mature things....more "adult" things. Like where our relationship is going. We've been going out for almost 3 and a half years, we don't live together, we're not engaged, we're just...Bryan and Ashleigh. Ashleigh and Bryan. Bubby and Bubby. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Girlfriend and boyfriend. It's seriously annoying. At least for me. That status was fine in high school, it was fine when I lived with my parents, but I guess now that I moved out I want something more. I know I'm only 18, I'm not particularly interested in getting engaged...but I do want to see him more and I do want to move in with him sometime in the next year or so. He does not agree. This is a problem. Call me a bitch, but if our relationship isn't going forward then what's the point? It like we reached this plateau and we're just stuck. It irritates the hell out of me. And I hate only seeing him twice a week. Some say it's my fault for choosing a school so far away. But what the hell? Was I going to live at home and commute to Monroe, where I tested out of 3 of the 4 Spanish courses they had to offer? Or go to Eastern or Toledo, where the Spanish programs there come nowhere NEAR U of M-Dearborn's? I didn't really CHOOSE to go far away...that's just how it happened. Sometimes he argues that I should've commuted from home. Was he going to pay my gas money to drive an hour and a half each way? Cuz I wasn't.
I don't know where all this is coming from. Life just hasn't been going as planned lately. When I do go to my parents' house all I want to do is see my family. Not necessarily my mom/dad/bro, but Tony and the new baby and my grandparents and my cousins. Of course I want to see my friends too, but I know I can always have them spend the night here or see them over holidays and stuff. Grrrrr. Everything is pissing me off lately, too. I'm getting so annoyed with people. I don't know why...I'm just a bitch I guess.
I'm also really stupid for constantly wanting something of the past, that will never come back to me. And if it did come back to me, it wouldn't be the same so it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing really ever mattered with him because I always cared more. I hate that I ever even met him.
Right now this is probably all coming out because I'm frickin' delerious from lack of sleep. I haven't slept in like 30+ hours. I don't know....I'm too tired to do the math. I just know I layed there all night last night. I might've gotten a couple of hours of sleep from like 6-8. But I definitely didn't sleep very well. I don't know. I'm fucked up.
I'm going to bed now.
I'm also super stressed out because Bryan and I have now started to fight about more mature things....more "adult" things. Like where our relationship is going. We've been going out for almost 3 and a half years, we don't live together, we're not engaged, we're just...Bryan and Ashleigh. Ashleigh and Bryan. Bubby and Bubby. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Girlfriend and boyfriend. It's seriously annoying. At least for me. That status was fine in high school, it was fine when I lived with my parents, but I guess now that I moved out I want something more. I know I'm only 18, I'm not particularly interested in getting engaged...but I do want to see him more and I do want to move in with him sometime in the next year or so. He does not agree. This is a problem. Call me a bitch, but if our relationship isn't going forward then what's the point? It like we reached this plateau and we're just stuck. It irritates the hell out of me. And I hate only seeing him twice a week. Some say it's my fault for choosing a school so far away. But what the hell? Was I going to live at home and commute to Monroe, where I tested out of 3 of the 4 Spanish courses they had to offer? Or go to Eastern or Toledo, where the Spanish programs there come nowhere NEAR U of M-Dearborn's? I didn't really CHOOSE to go far away...that's just how it happened. Sometimes he argues that I should've commuted from home. Was he going to pay my gas money to drive an hour and a half each way? Cuz I wasn't.
I don't know where all this is coming from. Life just hasn't been going as planned lately. When I do go to my parents' house all I want to do is see my family. Not necessarily my mom/dad/bro, but Tony and the new baby and my grandparents and my cousins. Of course I want to see my friends too, but I know I can always have them spend the night here or see them over holidays and stuff. Grrrrr. Everything is pissing me off lately, too. I'm getting so annoyed with people. I don't know why...I'm just a bitch I guess.
I'm also really stupid for constantly wanting something of the past, that will never come back to me. And if it did come back to me, it wouldn't be the same so it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing really ever mattered with him because I always cared more. I hate that I ever even met him.
Right now this is probably all coming out because I'm frickin' delerious from lack of sleep. I haven't slept in like 30+ hours. I don't know....I'm too tired to do the math. I just know I layed there all night last night. I might've gotten a couple of hours of sleep from like 6-8. But I definitely didn't sleep very well. I don't know. I'm fucked up.
I'm going to bed now.