* . Christmas . *
i dont think that i've ever cried so much during a regular day, never mind a holiday. the past two days seem like they came straight from a nightmare. christmas eve, we went to my grandpa and step-grandma's house... a family tradition for ever. the effects of the surgery that my grandpa had are starting to clear up, but he still has partail paralysis on the right side of his face. it just gets me so pissed off at the damn surgeon when i see him, because he was perfect before, and he still is, but it took things away from him. i know it seems so material, but i was looking forward to snorkling with him on the trip, and now i found out that he can't. there's a whole list of things that he's not allowed to do. i still love him so much though, no matter what. that'll never change. today, we had the opening of gifts in the morning between just our family. that sucked. my dad was really sick so he basically came down for about 6 presents, and had to leave because he didnt feel good at all. my brother and sister had a mini-argument over something (it wasnt even that bad, it was a 2 line skit), that sent my mom over the edge.. there were tears and everything. i didnt know what to do. she flat out said that this was the worst christmas. that's when i couldnt hold it in anymore. i tried so hard to get everyone to be happy, but it just wouldnt work. we finished everything up, basically in silence, and then got ready for church. my dad didnt go, he usually doesnt unless its an occasion, he just basically laid in bed all day. it was really hard not to just let go and cry in there. i was getting really close towards the end, but somehow i managed to keep most of it in. after that it was back home to clean up, and get ready for my aunt nancy's. we got all the presents together, and headed out, again without my dad. my mom had warned me about my other grandpa, and from the story she told me it sounded like he had some bruises and he might've broken an arm, but nothing compared to what he actually looked like (he had fallen down cement steps from a restaurant a couple of days ago). his whole right side of his face and forehead were purple and blue from bruising, his eye was swollen so much that he could barely open his eye, there were 8 stiches above his eyebrow, he fractured his arm in 2 places, and he broke his dentures. i literally thought i was going to cry as soon as i walked in the door. this was the 4th time that he had been in a hospital in the last 9 months. why does an 87 year old man have to go through so much pain, when he had never been to the hospital before in his life? it hurt me so much. i could feel the tears building up in my eyes, and had to run to the bathroom before i let him see me crying. he always told me how he never saw me cry, and how i was always the strong one in the family. i felt like i was letting him down, and i didnt know what to do. i sat in the bathroom for about 20 minutes and just cried until my eyes literally hurt. i think it helped a little, but there wasnt really much i could do. i sat with him later, and was able to carry on a conversation without breaking down, which was more than i expected. my cousin and god son vincent could tell that there was something wrong. he's only 2, but he's really one of the only ones that understands me on that side of my family. it honestly scares me sometimes. when i was playing with his new trains with him, he kept saying "it ok ashee, it chrimas. dont worry". i figured that i should probably listen to him and stop. so i helped with dinner, we finished gifts, went through desert, and then ended up driving home in the "snow storm". after we brought all the stuff in from the car, and i grabbed whatever else i hadn't already brought upstairs, i took a shower, and just laid in my bed, tears building up, for about 3 hours. there was no one to talk to. no one that would listen. no one that was there just to understand me. i already lost a grandma and an uncle, i cant lose a grandpa. if i lost either one of them, i dont know what i would do. they mean so much to me. just thinking of it gets me scared. seeing that they're both recovering, one from an accident, and another from surgery, just makes it more visible and worse. here the tears come again.. i cant cry anymore today, i just cant. its supposed to be a happy day right? why can't i just smile?
[*Ashley*]
[*Ashley*]