Reflection
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the past today. It has just been one of those days where I've chosen to evaluate everything about the past 4 years of my life. I've thought about the relationships I've been through, how they went, how we met, and how they have ended. I've thought about my mom being sick and all the decisions I have made since that point in time. I've thought about the progression I've made personally and how I've grown up. Reflection - got to love it.
First of all, relationships. When I was 17, there was Mikey. Oh yes, Mikey Asman. Philly boy. You know, some people thought that this was a very unhealthy relationship, but I loved him and he was good for me. I think that between him and Sam Lewis, they taught me the most about what love might feel like and how it felt to be loved in return. My thoughts went from him to Chris, who I expirienced when I was 18-19. It's funny, after Mikey and I broke things off realizing that what we had was impossible to take any further, I didn't stop missing him. Even when I was with Chris, I would think about Mikey and what could have been on a constant basis. When that happened, it sent up a red flag, but I just ignored it. I kept with Chris because I thought that maybe he had potential. He was a project for me to work on. I changed a lot of things about myself to suit him and expected him to change some things for me as well. Change never occured, and I was left out in the cold. Even after Chris and I were over, I contacted Mikey and let him know what was up in my life. He never liked chris. My thoughts then turned to Erik. When I am with Erik, I never think about Chris or Mikey. I never consider what could have happened with either person if things hadn't ended the way that they had. No, I just focus on Erik and our future. I focus on the love we have and the very good potential we have of creating a happy life together. I haven't changed myself for Erik and I have never expected him to change any aspect of his personality. We have molden together with each person still completely in tact. It's absolutely amazing! I've never felt someone be such a deep part of me before. I said before that Sam and Mikey taught me some basics of love, but nothing I have ever expirienced touches on what Erik and I have. Instead of just tying our relationship up, we've braided it so that it is deep, strong, and carefully acheived. I think that our love is something beautiful.
I remember mom telling me that she was sick again very vividly. I was upset because she hadn't called or answered my phone calls on my birthday. I was suprised to see her call at 8am the morning after to tell me the bad news that she had found out the day before. It was a very short conversation. I asked some questions, and then said goodbye to her. I have never wanted my mom to see or hear me cry. I'd always felt that it was my job to stay strong for her, esspecially when she couldn't stay strong for herself. I remember going to camp with chris and a bunch of other reenactors later that month, where chris brushed me off onto Veronica because he couldn't withstand the emotional pain I was going through. Veronica calmed my fears and has been there for me ever since. Neither of us speak to chris any longer, yet we remain close. I sometimes wonder if my relationship with him was to bring Veronica and I together. There was a cruise that Justin, Mom, and I took. There were two rough Christmases after that, this past one resulting in a trip to the hostpial and a seizure. Then there was me taking time off of school. There were times when I resented the decision because I gave up my life in order to make hers happier and easier. I'm glad I did that. This summer had a lot of ups and downs... in and out of the hospital and nursing home. I thank God I met Erik when I did and he turned out to be such an awesome person because he made my life so much happier since he has been in it. I don't know how I would have handled everything without him there to hold me up. I remember Mom's face after he left. She was beaming. She loved him so much - she said he was funny, charming, smart, handsome, a complete smart-ass. He is everything my mom always hoped that I would find. She said to me one night when I brought her late-night icecream to the hospital, "I'm not going to get to see you get married, but I'm very happy I've gotten to meet the man you're going to be married to." I cried. I think about me leaving for school and how upset she was that I wasn't going to be at the house every day. I came back every weekend for the full weekend. Last weekend was the last time. I said goodbye to her. I told her that I was going to go back to school, make her proud, if she wanted to let go to just let go. I told her that with her leaving this earth that she'll be looking down on me all the time, finding out some secrets I kept from her and seeing all the stupid shit that I do that she isn't aware of. I told her I loved her. I kissed her on the cheek. And that was it. No regrets.
I have definately changed a lot in the last four years of my life. I have gone from unsure, to stable, to unstable, and then back to being completely secure in the person that I am. It's funny how going through truamatic events and bad relationships does to a person. When I was with Mikey and friends with Brittney, I was a very unsure person. I had no voice to speak up with and all I really had were a bottom line of morals that I stood by. Then Brittney left and I was suddenly stable in my personality. I knew who I was and what I ultimately wanted to do with my life. During my mom's illness and time with chris, I lost my stability again. chris threw me off balance, but I also learned very much from the time I spent and I made a lot of very good friends that I still maintain a friendship with. Between the breakup with chris and meeting Erik, I did a lot of soul searching. I peiced myself back together into the person I was before, except I was wiser and more apt to use my voice. I wasn't this shy little girl who wouldn't speak her mind anymore. I found myself again. And then I met Erik, and he took me for a loop. One of the first things I ever said to him was, "If you aren't planning on fixing my problem, you might as well hand me off to someone else right now because I don't even want to waste my time talking to you if you aren't going to help." Little miss sassy spoke and he has come through for me time and time again - always there to help me fix my problems and to listen when he can't do anything else about it. He's turned into my best friend, my lover, my confidant, and my rock. It's amazing to me what I have expirienced and how I have grown in the past four years of my life. I can't wait to expirience the next four.
First of all, relationships. When I was 17, there was Mikey. Oh yes, Mikey Asman. Philly boy. You know, some people thought that this was a very unhealthy relationship, but I loved him and he was good for me. I think that between him and Sam Lewis, they taught me the most about what love might feel like and how it felt to be loved in return. My thoughts went from him to Chris, who I expirienced when I was 18-19. It's funny, after Mikey and I broke things off realizing that what we had was impossible to take any further, I didn't stop missing him. Even when I was with Chris, I would think about Mikey and what could have been on a constant basis. When that happened, it sent up a red flag, but I just ignored it. I kept with Chris because I thought that maybe he had potential. He was a project for me to work on. I changed a lot of things about myself to suit him and expected him to change some things for me as well. Change never occured, and I was left out in the cold. Even after Chris and I were over, I contacted Mikey and let him know what was up in my life. He never liked chris. My thoughts then turned to Erik. When I am with Erik, I never think about Chris or Mikey. I never consider what could have happened with either person if things hadn't ended the way that they had. No, I just focus on Erik and our future. I focus on the love we have and the very good potential we have of creating a happy life together. I haven't changed myself for Erik and I have never expected him to change any aspect of his personality. We have molden together with each person still completely in tact. It's absolutely amazing! I've never felt someone be such a deep part of me before. I said before that Sam and Mikey taught me some basics of love, but nothing I have ever expirienced touches on what Erik and I have. Instead of just tying our relationship up, we've braided it so that it is deep, strong, and carefully acheived. I think that our love is something beautiful.
I remember mom telling me that she was sick again very vividly. I was upset because she hadn't called or answered my phone calls on my birthday. I was suprised to see her call at 8am the morning after to tell me the bad news that she had found out the day before. It was a very short conversation. I asked some questions, and then said goodbye to her. I have never wanted my mom to see or hear me cry. I'd always felt that it was my job to stay strong for her, esspecially when she couldn't stay strong for herself. I remember going to camp with chris and a bunch of other reenactors later that month, where chris brushed me off onto Veronica because he couldn't withstand the emotional pain I was going through. Veronica calmed my fears and has been there for me ever since. Neither of us speak to chris any longer, yet we remain close. I sometimes wonder if my relationship with him was to bring Veronica and I together. There was a cruise that Justin, Mom, and I took. There were two rough Christmases after that, this past one resulting in a trip to the hostpial and a seizure. Then there was me taking time off of school. There were times when I resented the decision because I gave up my life in order to make hers happier and easier. I'm glad I did that. This summer had a lot of ups and downs... in and out of the hospital and nursing home. I thank God I met Erik when I did and he turned out to be such an awesome person because he made my life so much happier since he has been in it. I don't know how I would have handled everything without him there to hold me up. I remember Mom's face after he left. She was beaming. She loved him so much - she said he was funny, charming, smart, handsome, a complete smart-ass. He is everything my mom always hoped that I would find. She said to me one night when I brought her late-night icecream to the hospital, "I'm not going to get to see you get married, but I'm very happy I've gotten to meet the man you're going to be married to." I cried. I think about me leaving for school and how upset she was that I wasn't going to be at the house every day. I came back every weekend for the full weekend. Last weekend was the last time. I said goodbye to her. I told her that I was going to go back to school, make her proud, if she wanted to let go to just let go. I told her that with her leaving this earth that she'll be looking down on me all the time, finding out some secrets I kept from her and seeing all the stupid shit that I do that she isn't aware of. I told her I loved her. I kissed her on the cheek. And that was it. No regrets.
I have definately changed a lot in the last four years of my life. I have gone from unsure, to stable, to unstable, and then back to being completely secure in the person that I am. It's funny how going through truamatic events and bad relationships does to a person. When I was with Mikey and friends with Brittney, I was a very unsure person. I had no voice to speak up with and all I really had were a bottom line of morals that I stood by. Then Brittney left and I was suddenly stable in my personality. I knew who I was and what I ultimately wanted to do with my life. During my mom's illness and time with chris, I lost my stability again. chris threw me off balance, but I also learned very much from the time I spent and I made a lot of very good friends that I still maintain a friendship with. Between the breakup with chris and meeting Erik, I did a lot of soul searching. I peiced myself back together into the person I was before, except I was wiser and more apt to use my voice. I wasn't this shy little girl who wouldn't speak her mind anymore. I found myself again. And then I met Erik, and he took me for a loop. One of the first things I ever said to him was, "If you aren't planning on fixing my problem, you might as well hand me off to someone else right now because I don't even want to waste my time talking to you if you aren't going to help." Little miss sassy spoke and he has come through for me time and time again - always there to help me fix my problems and to listen when he can't do anything else about it. He's turned into my best friend, my lover, my confidant, and my rock. It's amazing to me what I have expirienced and how I have grown in the past four years of my life. I can't wait to expirience the next four.