Update on Story

[ashke]

heyla and greetings all!
this morning, while procastinating from homework, i worked on the story some more. I think i've changed things for the good, but i don't know for sure. If people could please read and "review" it, i would appreciate it! thanks!

"The Girl With No Feeling"

Comments

[leora]

There are still some grammar issues. But here are the major ways to improve it:
Way too much exposition - show don't tell.
The ending is weak, it sort of trails off.
You vary your tenses oddly.

The good part is you have an interesting character. Although the "no nerve endings" think is technobabble. If she had no nerve endings she would have no sense of touch at all. Better to make it a neurological disorder since that could actually cause this effect.

Here's an example of what I mean by too much exposition not enough showing:

"My mom and I would be lucky to only have to wait about 15 minutes in the room where Rick would see me. That day, it took longer for Rick to reach us. Apparently, he had some really bad emergency first thing that morning, so he was running late for the rest of the day. After a while, the door opened and Rick came through."

Not bad, but what if it were more like.

We'd have waited fifteen minutes on a good day. That wasn't a good day. I don't know what caused the delay, but it must have been bad because when Rick finally opened the door he looked pale and tired.

Or:

" ?Are you implying that there might be some domestic abuse going on?? her mother said shockingly. She knows that she has always been very caring and loving towards my brother, Robbie and me."

You made your point with the first sentence. All the second sentence does is weaken the outburst. Any reader can figure out that a mother doesn't want to be accused of child abuse.

Although I do wonder why the mother didn't take her to the Emergency Room given the severity of the burns and the oddness of the problem. Especially since the mother is prone to overreacting.

This does read a lot better than the previous draft though. You cleaned it up a lot.