It's like Remmington and the ants over here, people.
I'm beginning to believe that the universe has a grudge about me being able to use a computer. Perhaps this is like a Terminator situation, where I'm destined to write an e-mail that will... um... inspire addictedkitten to write the porn that will destroy the world by making everyone stop dong their jobs and just do naughty PG-13 or higher things all day long?
Seriously, that's about as destructive as I get.
Except for when I stuffed a life size paper mache cow with gunpowder and blew it up.
But that was for science. *g*
Anyway, I come before you all a sadly reduced woman, with my two old hard drives currently imitating a paper weight and a toaster pastry, respecitively. My files are gone, my old mail is gone, my life is a wasteland. So what do I do? Why, the same thing I always do, Pinky. Write and draw. :-D
So, first, fic: Trading Space/Buffy crossover. Willow and Anya redecorate Spike's crypt with Hildi, Spike and Xander redo Willow's witchy room with Doug, who seems far too comfortable on the hellmouth:
Title: Our Insurance Doesn't Cover This
Author: Ash
Email: aka_jay66@hotmail.com
Site: http://xanadu-dreams.com
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy characters, the Trading Spaces characters own themselves, I love them all and mean no harm. *g*
Feedback: Dear god, yes. Have I lost my mind? Well, yes. Apparently I have.
Note: Written in response to a challenge by Jinni:
Willow redecorates Spike's Crypt. Spike redecorates Willow's room. What can they accomplish with an interior designer and a budget of a measly $1000?
Part One
(Scene opens on a moonlit cemetery. Paige Davis, a tall slender woman with swinging hips and a wide white smile, is walking slowly towards the camera. Her jeans come up to five inches below her hips, her shirt comes down an inch below her breasts, her smile comes down to several inches below her chin.)
Paige: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the first annual Halloween episode of Trading Spaces! We're coming to you live from beautiful Sunnydale, California! Now I know what you guys are thinking (she spreads her hands) - if this is California, where's all the sun? Well, in Sunnydale, it's all about the night life! When the sun goes down, this town comes alive… so to speak… and the locals come out to play!
(Cut to the living room of Buffy's house. Willow and Anya are sitting on the couch, looking at the camera and carefully not touching each other)
Paige: (voice over) Our first team is Willow and Anya, who are hoping that our designers can give Willow's bedroom a much needed makeover.
(Cut to a shot of Willow's new bedroom, which is filled with candles and various mystic paraphernalia, as well as several large framed photographs of Willow and Tara together. As the camera pans over the room, one of the pictures winks at the camera.)
Willow: It's not a bad room, really.
Anya: It's a dump.
Willow: It's just that I'm not really into magic anymore -
Anya: She tried to end the world, you know. And she wrecked my store!
Willow: Besides, I'm… trying to get over someone. And I can't do that with all those things there.
Anya: It was a very nice store. It was making money, which I could use to buy food, and shoes. (she looks down at her feet) I hate these shoes.
Willow: There's always something there to remind me…
Anya: (looks concerned) You're not going to sing again, are you? (She looks at the camera) Don't let her sing.
(Cut to Spike's crypt. Xander and Spike are sitting on the lid of the coffin, looking miserable.)
Paige: Our second team, Xander and Spike, are hoping that we can help them bring Spike's drab crypt back to life!
(Cut to a revolving shot of the crypt. It's… empty. Very empty. There's the coffin, there's the TV, there's the chair, and that's about it. There's a few empty bottles scattered around.)
(Cut back to Xander and Spike)
Spike: Look, I don't want much, okay? No poncey window treatments! I just want it to look homey enough so that people will know it's occupied.
Xander: Do me a little favor, she said. You left me at the altar, she said. (shakes his head in a dazed fashion)
Spike: A big sign that says, "Beware of the vampire!" would be nice. (he thinks) Maybe some bear traps, too. Anything to keep people away.
Xander: And then, just like that (snaps his fingers) I'm agreeing to spend the weekend with Spike.
Spike: Four times last week, I woke up with some dead bloke on top of me! Not pleasant, that's all I'll say.
Xander: Yeah, that's what I hear from Buffy.
Spike: *Now* you listen?
Xander: Mocking you is the only way I'm going to survive this weekend.
Spike: Wouldn't count on it.
(Cut back to Paige in the cemetery. Her smile looks a little forced.)
Paige: Helping our teams put the super back in supernatural are our designers, Doug and Hildi, and our carpenter, Amy Wynn, who knows a thing or two about how to deal with monsters!
(The camera swings over to show Hildi pointing a stake at Doug, or rather away from Doug - she's holding it the wrong way. Doug is holding his hands up in front of him to ward her away, but it looks like he's trying not to laugh. Amy Wynn is sitting on a tombstone nearby and whittling another stake out of a short piece of wood.)
(Cut to the key swap. Willow and Anya are in the blue shirts, Spike and Xander in the red shirts. Everyone looks very uncomfortable. Paige looks oblivious.)
Paige: All right, everybody! You'll be working with the designers to completely transform the look of each others' home, but remember! You only have *two days* and a thousand dollars each! (she lifts her eyebrows) It's going to be murder.
Xander: Ha.
Willow: Um.
Anya: But not in the literal sense, of course. Because we - I mean, three of us - don't do that. Anymore.
Spike: Speak for yourself, why don't you?
Paige: (bright fixed smile, she hands them the keys) All right, let's get started!
(The two teams leave at an unhurried pace.)
Paige: (looks straight at the camera) This is going to be *fun*!
(Cut to Xander and Spike walking up the walk towards Buffy's house.)
(Cut to Willow's room. Doug is sitting on the floor, looking around.)
(Xander and Spike walk in, not smiling.)
Doug: Hi, there. Xander, Spike, come join me, will you?
Xander: Sure. (sits down on the floor next to Doug.)
(Spike rolls his eyes and remains standing, although he does attempt to lean against a dresser in a threatening and dashingly evil fashion. It doesn't work. No one can look evil in a Trading Spaces smock. Seriously. Try it.)
Doug: (looks sly) I'd like to get your opinion on what we should do in the room, even though my mind is already made up and nothing you or anyone can say will change it.
Xander: (blinks) That's… surprisingly forthright.
Doug: Oh, I'm tired of lying about it. (he takes a deep breath) Besides, there's something about this town. There's a fantastic energy here, don't you find? So refreshing.
Spike: Yeah, right. Like a trip to the seaside.
Doug: (sighs) I feel like I've come home.
(Xander and Spike exchange meaningful looks)
Doug: Now, tell me your ideas for the room.
Xander: I'd like to see something fresh and… I don't know, girly. (he waves at all the candles and dark wood) This is just too dark for Willow.
Spike: Too dark? She nearly destroyed the world!
Xander: The key word there is 'nearly'.
Spike: Right, like *attempted* homicide.
Xander: No, like nearly killing all of us, like nearly attacking Buffy, like nearly torturing people to death. Are you sure you want to be throwing stones there, Mr. Second Chances poster boy?
Spike: But I'm still dark, y'see. Just redeemed.
Xander: Are you kidding me? *I'm* darker than you at this point. I'm amazed you still have the guts to wear black. You should be wearing something a little more penitent, don't you think? Maybe hang out in an alley and eat rats for a century or two. You could leave right now. Send us postcards, okay? Or not.
Spike: How about I send y-
Doug: (breaks in) Uh huh, those are all interesting ideas, Xander. Spike? How about you?
(There's a pause. You can almost hear the screech as Spike's brain switches tracks.)
Spike: I think we should go a whole other way here, Doug. Sure, Red may seem all butter-wouldn't, but we all know there's a wild streak hiding under those ungodly layers of clothes. Let's do something to encourage her not to hide who she is, maybe buy some leather pants, maybe a bustier, maybe a couple of whips (he's staring off into the distance now), maybe even put in some built handcuffs over the beds, you know, something really classy. Custom.
Xander: Ew. And also, no.
Doug: All right, then! I'm glad to have your input, and I hope that by saying that, you won't notice that I'm now going to completely disregard your opinions!
Xander: Fair enough.
Spike: (to Doug) You know, you remind me of someone.
Xander: Anya?
Spike. Yeah.
Xander: Thank god, it's not just me.
Doug: (claps his hands) Enough chit chat! Let's get this room cleared!
(Fast montage of room clearing. Doug spends a little time doing a scarily accurate ballet move across the room. Xander moves things quickly out without looking at the camera. Spike waits until he's alone in the room and then starts pitching things out the window.)
(Cut to Spike's crypt. Hildi is lying on the coffin top, her hands folded across her chest, a lily in her hands. She appears to have fallen asleep.)
(Anya and Willow enter, looking around.)
Willow: So this is Spike's place. Cosy!
Anya: (seeing Hildi) Oh! Another vampire is trying to steal Spike's crypt! (she pulls a stake from her purse and starts to move towards Hildi.)
(Willow catches her arm.)
Willow: No! Anya, it's -
Anya: (rolls her eyes) Wrong to kill, blah blah blah, I know all that, silly. (she looks at Willow pityingly) I sat through the same instructional video you did. But sometimes it's okay, remember? The part where Ms. Whitehat got to disembowel Mr. Meanyface?
(Willow looks ill.)
Anya: (seriously) It was unfortunate that they did it as a cartoon. I blame Xander for giving up creative control.
Willow: The eyes were just so…big.
Anya: Maybe we should buy Giles some art lessons. Or, cut off his hands! No, wait. That would be wrong, too. (her eyes gleam) But I can still kill *her*! (She starts advancing on Hildi again.)
(Willow grabs her again.)
Anya: (looks annoyed) Willow, you have to stop doing that or I won't be able to kill the vampire.
Willow: Good!
Anya: Look, I know the rules. And I'm definitely allowed to kill vampires. Unless they're handsome, or sleeping with Buffy. (she looks at Hildi and her eyes narrow) She's not sleeping with Buffy, is she?
Willow: No. But -
Anya: Is she sleeping with you?
Willow: Really, really no. Would you just -
Anya: All right then. Now, cease impeding me in the course of my duties as… someone who hasn't gotten to kill anyone in a really, really long time and darn it, look at her shoes! Why does the vampire have nicer shoes than I do?
Willow: Maybe because she's *not a vampire*!
Anya: (pouts) Is too!
Willow: Is no- Okay, I'm not doing that.
Anya: So I can kill her?
Willow: No. She's… she's… she's a good vampire. Like Angel. Or Sp- Like Angel.
Anya: (looks unconvinced) Really? How did she get her soul back?
Willow: … She... She… she was given her soul back by a tribe of, um, mages. A wandering tribe of mages. A wandering, ancient tribe of mages with, um, with no sense of interior design! Yes! And from that time forward, she's tried to make up for her wrongs by redecorating the tasteless rooms of the world!
Anya: (skeptically) Like penance?
Willow: Right! Penance! But with, you know, paint. And fabric. And sometimes hay.
Anya: Oh, okay.
Willow: Okay?
Anya: I've heard about that tribe.
Willow: You mean there actually are -? You know what, never mind. Let's get the room cleared before she wakes up.
(Fast montage of room clearing. It appears to take about ten minutes, five of which are taken up with Willow wrestling the stake away from Anya and hiding it in the bushes outside the crypt.)
(Cut. The bumper into commercial shows Amy Wynn and Hildi dressed up as witches, stirring a large bubbling pot. A hand comes up out of the boiling green water, looking frighteningly realistic. Amy Wynn smacks it down with a spoon. Doug walks by in the background carrying something large and black and spiky.)
(Commercials)
________
End Part One
Tell me what you think?
I blame this entirely on Jinni. Really. Fun to write, though. *g*
And pictures, too:
This is Aimee. She has red hair, pale skin and no interest in girls. Pardon me while I cry like a baby. But, at least she was nice enough to let me draw a picture of her, eh? :-D
This is a sad thoughful girl drawn during an Oscar party. I don't know. But I like her anyway.
And that's it for tonight, folks. Because I am sleepy and must post Willow/Angelus semi-porn tomorrow, or risk the wrath. Not anyone's wrath in particular, really. Generalized wrath.
Seriously, that's about as destructive as I get.
Except for when I stuffed a life size paper mache cow with gunpowder and blew it up.
But that was for science. *g*
Anyway, I come before you all a sadly reduced woman, with my two old hard drives currently imitating a paper weight and a toaster pastry, respecitively. My files are gone, my old mail is gone, my life is a wasteland. So what do I do? Why, the same thing I always do, Pinky. Write and draw. :-D
So, first, fic: Trading Space/Buffy crossover. Willow and Anya redecorate Spike's crypt with Hildi, Spike and Xander redo Willow's witchy room with Doug, who seems far too comfortable on the hellmouth:
Title: Our Insurance Doesn't Cover This
Author: Ash
Email: aka_jay66@hotmail.com
Site: http://xanadu-dreams.com
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy characters, the Trading Spaces characters own themselves, I love them all and mean no harm. *g*
Feedback: Dear god, yes. Have I lost my mind? Well, yes. Apparently I have.
Note: Written in response to a challenge by Jinni:
Willow redecorates Spike's Crypt. Spike redecorates Willow's room. What can they accomplish with an interior designer and a budget of a measly $1000?
Part One
(Scene opens on a moonlit cemetery. Paige Davis, a tall slender woman with swinging hips and a wide white smile, is walking slowly towards the camera. Her jeans come up to five inches below her hips, her shirt comes down an inch below her breasts, her smile comes down to several inches below her chin.)
Paige: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the first annual Halloween episode of Trading Spaces! We're coming to you live from beautiful Sunnydale, California! Now I know what you guys are thinking (she spreads her hands) - if this is California, where's all the sun? Well, in Sunnydale, it's all about the night life! When the sun goes down, this town comes alive… so to speak… and the locals come out to play!
(Cut to the living room of Buffy's house. Willow and Anya are sitting on the couch, looking at the camera and carefully not touching each other)
Paige: (voice over) Our first team is Willow and Anya, who are hoping that our designers can give Willow's bedroom a much needed makeover.
(Cut to a shot of Willow's new bedroom, which is filled with candles and various mystic paraphernalia, as well as several large framed photographs of Willow and Tara together. As the camera pans over the room, one of the pictures winks at the camera.)
Willow: It's not a bad room, really.
Anya: It's a dump.
Willow: It's just that I'm not really into magic anymore -
Anya: She tried to end the world, you know. And she wrecked my store!
Willow: Besides, I'm… trying to get over someone. And I can't do that with all those things there.
Anya: It was a very nice store. It was making money, which I could use to buy food, and shoes. (she looks down at her feet) I hate these shoes.
Willow: There's always something there to remind me…
Anya: (looks concerned) You're not going to sing again, are you? (She looks at the camera) Don't let her sing.
(Cut to Spike's crypt. Xander and Spike are sitting on the lid of the coffin, looking miserable.)
Paige: Our second team, Xander and Spike, are hoping that we can help them bring Spike's drab crypt back to life!
(Cut to a revolving shot of the crypt. It's… empty. Very empty. There's the coffin, there's the TV, there's the chair, and that's about it. There's a few empty bottles scattered around.)
(Cut back to Xander and Spike)
Spike: Look, I don't want much, okay? No poncey window treatments! I just want it to look homey enough so that people will know it's occupied.
Xander: Do me a little favor, she said. You left me at the altar, she said. (shakes his head in a dazed fashion)
Spike: A big sign that says, "Beware of the vampire!" would be nice. (he thinks) Maybe some bear traps, too. Anything to keep people away.
Xander: And then, just like that (snaps his fingers) I'm agreeing to spend the weekend with Spike.
Spike: Four times last week, I woke up with some dead bloke on top of me! Not pleasant, that's all I'll say.
Xander: Yeah, that's what I hear from Buffy.
Spike: *Now* you listen?
Xander: Mocking you is the only way I'm going to survive this weekend.
Spike: Wouldn't count on it.
(Cut back to Paige in the cemetery. Her smile looks a little forced.)
Paige: Helping our teams put the super back in supernatural are our designers, Doug and Hildi, and our carpenter, Amy Wynn, who knows a thing or two about how to deal with monsters!
(The camera swings over to show Hildi pointing a stake at Doug, or rather away from Doug - she's holding it the wrong way. Doug is holding his hands up in front of him to ward her away, but it looks like he's trying not to laugh. Amy Wynn is sitting on a tombstone nearby and whittling another stake out of a short piece of wood.)
(Cut to the key swap. Willow and Anya are in the blue shirts, Spike and Xander in the red shirts. Everyone looks very uncomfortable. Paige looks oblivious.)
Paige: All right, everybody! You'll be working with the designers to completely transform the look of each others' home, but remember! You only have *two days* and a thousand dollars each! (she lifts her eyebrows) It's going to be murder.
Xander: Ha.
Willow: Um.
Anya: But not in the literal sense, of course. Because we - I mean, three of us - don't do that. Anymore.
Spike: Speak for yourself, why don't you?
Paige: (bright fixed smile, she hands them the keys) All right, let's get started!
(The two teams leave at an unhurried pace.)
Paige: (looks straight at the camera) This is going to be *fun*!
(Cut to Xander and Spike walking up the walk towards Buffy's house.)
(Cut to Willow's room. Doug is sitting on the floor, looking around.)
(Xander and Spike walk in, not smiling.)
Doug: Hi, there. Xander, Spike, come join me, will you?
Xander: Sure. (sits down on the floor next to Doug.)
(Spike rolls his eyes and remains standing, although he does attempt to lean against a dresser in a threatening and dashingly evil fashion. It doesn't work. No one can look evil in a Trading Spaces smock. Seriously. Try it.)
Doug: (looks sly) I'd like to get your opinion on what we should do in the room, even though my mind is already made up and nothing you or anyone can say will change it.
Xander: (blinks) That's… surprisingly forthright.
Doug: Oh, I'm tired of lying about it. (he takes a deep breath) Besides, there's something about this town. There's a fantastic energy here, don't you find? So refreshing.
Spike: Yeah, right. Like a trip to the seaside.
Doug: (sighs) I feel like I've come home.
(Xander and Spike exchange meaningful looks)
Doug: Now, tell me your ideas for the room.
Xander: I'd like to see something fresh and… I don't know, girly. (he waves at all the candles and dark wood) This is just too dark for Willow.
Spike: Too dark? She nearly destroyed the world!
Xander: The key word there is 'nearly'.
Spike: Right, like *attempted* homicide.
Xander: No, like nearly killing all of us, like nearly attacking Buffy, like nearly torturing people to death. Are you sure you want to be throwing stones there, Mr. Second Chances poster boy?
Spike: But I'm still dark, y'see. Just redeemed.
Xander: Are you kidding me? *I'm* darker than you at this point. I'm amazed you still have the guts to wear black. You should be wearing something a little more penitent, don't you think? Maybe hang out in an alley and eat rats for a century or two. You could leave right now. Send us postcards, okay? Or not.
Spike: How about I send y-
Doug: (breaks in) Uh huh, those are all interesting ideas, Xander. Spike? How about you?
(There's a pause. You can almost hear the screech as Spike's brain switches tracks.)
Spike: I think we should go a whole other way here, Doug. Sure, Red may seem all butter-wouldn't, but we all know there's a wild streak hiding under those ungodly layers of clothes. Let's do something to encourage her not to hide who she is, maybe buy some leather pants, maybe a bustier, maybe a couple of whips (he's staring off into the distance now), maybe even put in some built handcuffs over the beds, you know, something really classy. Custom.
Xander: Ew. And also, no.
Doug: All right, then! I'm glad to have your input, and I hope that by saying that, you won't notice that I'm now going to completely disregard your opinions!
Xander: Fair enough.
Spike: (to Doug) You know, you remind me of someone.
Xander: Anya?
Spike. Yeah.
Xander: Thank god, it's not just me.
Doug: (claps his hands) Enough chit chat! Let's get this room cleared!
(Fast montage of room clearing. Doug spends a little time doing a scarily accurate ballet move across the room. Xander moves things quickly out without looking at the camera. Spike waits until he's alone in the room and then starts pitching things out the window.)
(Cut to Spike's crypt. Hildi is lying on the coffin top, her hands folded across her chest, a lily in her hands. She appears to have fallen asleep.)
(Anya and Willow enter, looking around.)
Willow: So this is Spike's place. Cosy!
Anya: (seeing Hildi) Oh! Another vampire is trying to steal Spike's crypt! (she pulls a stake from her purse and starts to move towards Hildi.)
(Willow catches her arm.)
Willow: No! Anya, it's -
Anya: (rolls her eyes) Wrong to kill, blah blah blah, I know all that, silly. (she looks at Willow pityingly) I sat through the same instructional video you did. But sometimes it's okay, remember? The part where Ms. Whitehat got to disembowel Mr. Meanyface?
(Willow looks ill.)
Anya: (seriously) It was unfortunate that they did it as a cartoon. I blame Xander for giving up creative control.
Willow: The eyes were just so…big.
Anya: Maybe we should buy Giles some art lessons. Or, cut off his hands! No, wait. That would be wrong, too. (her eyes gleam) But I can still kill *her*! (She starts advancing on Hildi again.)
(Willow grabs her again.)
Anya: (looks annoyed) Willow, you have to stop doing that or I won't be able to kill the vampire.
Willow: Good!
Anya: Look, I know the rules. And I'm definitely allowed to kill vampires. Unless they're handsome, or sleeping with Buffy. (she looks at Hildi and her eyes narrow) She's not sleeping with Buffy, is she?
Willow: No. But -
Anya: Is she sleeping with you?
Willow: Really, really no. Would you just -
Anya: All right then. Now, cease impeding me in the course of my duties as… someone who hasn't gotten to kill anyone in a really, really long time and darn it, look at her shoes! Why does the vampire have nicer shoes than I do?
Willow: Maybe because she's *not a vampire*!
Anya: (pouts) Is too!
Willow: Is no- Okay, I'm not doing that.
Anya: So I can kill her?
Willow: No. She's… she's… she's a good vampire. Like Angel. Or Sp- Like Angel.
Anya: (looks unconvinced) Really? How did she get her soul back?
Willow: … She... She… she was given her soul back by a tribe of, um, mages. A wandering tribe of mages. A wandering, ancient tribe of mages with, um, with no sense of interior design! Yes! And from that time forward, she's tried to make up for her wrongs by redecorating the tasteless rooms of the world!
Anya: (skeptically) Like penance?
Willow: Right! Penance! But with, you know, paint. And fabric. And sometimes hay.
Anya: Oh, okay.
Willow: Okay?
Anya: I've heard about that tribe.
Willow: You mean there actually are -? You know what, never mind. Let's get the room cleared before she wakes up.
(Fast montage of room clearing. It appears to take about ten minutes, five of which are taken up with Willow wrestling the stake away from Anya and hiding it in the bushes outside the crypt.)
(Cut. The bumper into commercial shows Amy Wynn and Hildi dressed up as witches, stirring a large bubbling pot. A hand comes up out of the boiling green water, looking frighteningly realistic. Amy Wynn smacks it down with a spoon. Doug walks by in the background carrying something large and black and spiky.)
(Commercials)
________
End Part One
Tell me what you think?
I blame this entirely on Jinni. Really. Fun to write, though. *g*
And pictures, too:
This is Aimee. She has red hair, pale skin and no interest in girls. Pardon me while I cry like a baby. But, at least she was nice enough to let me draw a picture of her, eh? :-D
This is a sad thoughful girl drawn during an Oscar party. I don't know. But I like her anyway.
And that's it for tonight, folks. Because I am sleepy and must post Willow/Angelus semi-porn tomorrow, or risk the wrath. Not anyone's wrath in particular, really. Generalized wrath.