here it is....opening my self up to serious vulnerability
I am unable to describe anything I'm feeling which is why I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry.
I love my friends they're great, obviously, or they wouldn't be my friends. But lately I've been striving for time alone - when I get it I feel its too much time alone and don't know what to do with myself.
My thoughts right now, when I'm alone too long, are really not good.
I miss my father so much that words can't describe it. This Friday is my 21st birthday. This should be a kick ass exciting time for me, and I want it to be, and I know my father would want it to be. Unfortunately, I'm unable to allow it to be a happy time. My father went into a coma on my 16th birthday (birthdays have been hard for me since) he died two days later, actually it wasn't even two days but since it was very early in the morning by date it was two days.
It’s hard to express to others what this has done to me, how it’s changed me and its impact on my life. It’s especially hard to express it to people who have never had any significant loss in their lives.
After my father died I did crazy shit, put myself in stupid positions and was very reckless with my life. This was so out of character for me and I hate that he was that important to me that when he died a part of me died too.
My mother called me on Sunday. She said she was about to go to the ER with chest pains and pains in her shoulder (my mother knows I work in the medical field and have a great deal of knowledge on a wide range of symptoms for various problems) and well to anyone who had nothing in comparison to my knowledge would know she was describing a heart attack. I asked her why she was calling instead of being on her way to the hospital and she couldn't answer that. She kept me on the phone for a while to tell me she’s changing her number, she’s going down south to look for a house, bitch about my brother, complain that my sister rarely has contact with her, that I don't have contact with her and how her boyfriends about to die. While I honestly feel bad that she’s having such problems, I'm struggling with things too, DON'T CALL ME SO I CAN BE YOUR MOTHER, I did it too many years and that’s a good part of why I moved out so many years ago. I tried to play it off like it was nothing because Katrina was still here and I didn't want her to be brought down by my stupid family bullshit, but it’s really bothering me. I listened to my mother complain about everything fighting tears the whole time. Then I told her if she really thinks she’s having a heart attack she needs to go to the hospital and to have her boyfriend call me right away and let me know she’s ok, she said she'd try to have him call but it is long distance and all. Now while I'm hurt by all the shit my mothers done to me, I really do love her and for some reason I don't give up on her - no one has called me to say she’s ok, is money more important to you then what your putting me though? I'm a wreck, while she hasn't been a mother to me, she still gave birth to me almost 21 years ago and I love her and the thought of something happening to her and no one informing me is killing me.
I'm a moron to let such things bother me I know this but I can't help it. I can't wait for this month to be over. Once I get though March 6, and then the 15th (Scott's birthday) I should bounce back to myself.
I really can't wait for spring break, I miss Moot tons, she has such good reasoning and is always able to make me feel better and help me realize I have no reason to feel guilty about things with my mother and her constant bullshit with trying to bully me around emotionally like she does.
I have to shower and get to class - make the tears stop please
I love my friends they're great, obviously, or they wouldn't be my friends. But lately I've been striving for time alone - when I get it I feel its too much time alone and don't know what to do with myself.
My thoughts right now, when I'm alone too long, are really not good.
I miss my father so much that words can't describe it. This Friday is my 21st birthday. This should be a kick ass exciting time for me, and I want it to be, and I know my father would want it to be. Unfortunately, I'm unable to allow it to be a happy time. My father went into a coma on my 16th birthday (birthdays have been hard for me since) he died two days later, actually it wasn't even two days but since it was very early in the morning by date it was two days.
It’s hard to express to others what this has done to me, how it’s changed me and its impact on my life. It’s especially hard to express it to people who have never had any significant loss in their lives.
After my father died I did crazy shit, put myself in stupid positions and was very reckless with my life. This was so out of character for me and I hate that he was that important to me that when he died a part of me died too.
My mother called me on Sunday. She said she was about to go to the ER with chest pains and pains in her shoulder (my mother knows I work in the medical field and have a great deal of knowledge on a wide range of symptoms for various problems) and well to anyone who had nothing in comparison to my knowledge would know she was describing a heart attack. I asked her why she was calling instead of being on her way to the hospital and she couldn't answer that. She kept me on the phone for a while to tell me she’s changing her number, she’s going down south to look for a house, bitch about my brother, complain that my sister rarely has contact with her, that I don't have contact with her and how her boyfriends about to die. While I honestly feel bad that she’s having such problems, I'm struggling with things too, DON'T CALL ME SO I CAN BE YOUR MOTHER, I did it too many years and that’s a good part of why I moved out so many years ago. I tried to play it off like it was nothing because Katrina was still here and I didn't want her to be brought down by my stupid family bullshit, but it’s really bothering me. I listened to my mother complain about everything fighting tears the whole time. Then I told her if she really thinks she’s having a heart attack she needs to go to the hospital and to have her boyfriend call me right away and let me know she’s ok, she said she'd try to have him call but it is long distance and all. Now while I'm hurt by all the shit my mothers done to me, I really do love her and for some reason I don't give up on her - no one has called me to say she’s ok, is money more important to you then what your putting me though? I'm a wreck, while she hasn't been a mother to me, she still gave birth to me almost 21 years ago and I love her and the thought of something happening to her and no one informing me is killing me.
I'm a moron to let such things bother me I know this but I can't help it. I can't wait for this month to be over. Once I get though March 6, and then the 15th (Scott's birthday) I should bounce back to myself.
I really can't wait for spring break, I miss Moot tons, she has such good reasoning and is always able to make me feel better and help me realize I have no reason to feel guilty about things with my mother and her constant bullshit with trying to bully me around emotionally like she does.
I have to shower and get to class - make the tears stop please