The Garden State
So I just got back from seeing the movie The Garden State. I really enjoyed the beginning. It totally started out as some kind of stoner movie. But as it went on, it became much more emotional and I realized how much it truly parallels my own life.
I too have spent a very large part of my life thus far numb. I couldn’t cry at my fathers’ funeral either (and we now know how much that has affected me). But the thing that really got me was that I realized I’ve never truly connected to anyone or opened up all the way to anyone. Like everyone in my life learns a little something from my past that seams like a big deal but to me it truly is one small part of my past, generally they are things that are quite large and hard to deal with, but I’ve had so many that they are just a small part of what defines me. - Or on second thought is it if I’ve never truly opened up to anyone then am I really defined? Do I even know who I am? This movie has really freaked me out about myself.
Like let me share this with you about a thing with the movie…for attention when I was in elementary school I’d tell small stupid lies, lies like I had a dog named Kiwi and other very stupid things (but it took me forever to realize why I did it, when I would do it I wouldn’t ever know why-now that i'm older and can assess my enviornment as a child and all of that I realize it was for attention). Also- my bitch mother tried to have me drugged up and numb on purpose too-but after my father died- because she didn’t want to be bothered by helping me deal with the issues I needed to face. I too was advised to leave my home because the environment was unsound for me. I still to this day feel like I’m learning new emotions all of the time.
I feel lost in a huge world of chaos. How do I fix this? I hate to tell people all of the awful things about my childhood and who would want to listen to all of that anyway? I still feel like I lie to people, but now their huge lies because people don’t really know me…y’know? Like when I do tell someone another bad thing about my childhood…I feel like people might think to themselves “no you couldn’t have been beat by your mother, and have had your father die in one life time.” -although it did…
Will I ever truly know myself, have full openness with another person and be truly happy? - fuckin movie!
I too have spent a very large part of my life thus far numb. I couldn’t cry at my fathers’ funeral either (and we now know how much that has affected me). But the thing that really got me was that I realized I’ve never truly connected to anyone or opened up all the way to anyone. Like everyone in my life learns a little something from my past that seams like a big deal but to me it truly is one small part of my past, generally they are things that are quite large and hard to deal with, but I’ve had so many that they are just a small part of what defines me. - Or on second thought is it if I’ve never truly opened up to anyone then am I really defined? Do I even know who I am? This movie has really freaked me out about myself.
Like let me share this with you about a thing with the movie…for attention when I was in elementary school I’d tell small stupid lies, lies like I had a dog named Kiwi and other very stupid things (but it took me forever to realize why I did it, when I would do it I wouldn’t ever know why-now that i'm older and can assess my enviornment as a child and all of that I realize it was for attention). Also- my bitch mother tried to have me drugged up and numb on purpose too-but after my father died- because she didn’t want to be bothered by helping me deal with the issues I needed to face. I too was advised to leave my home because the environment was unsound for me. I still to this day feel like I’m learning new emotions all of the time.
I feel lost in a huge world of chaos. How do I fix this? I hate to tell people all of the awful things about my childhood and who would want to listen to all of that anyway? I still feel like I lie to people, but now their huge lies because people don’t really know me…y’know? Like when I do tell someone another bad thing about my childhood…I feel like people might think to themselves “no you couldn’t have been beat by your mother, and have had your father die in one life time.” -although it did…
Will I ever truly know myself, have full openness with another person and be truly happy? - fuckin movie!